I think my eyesight is getting worse.
First, the good news : got an appointment with Doctor Vaezi on the 15th. It’s even at 8:10 AM, so I can get a ride there from Julian before Joe has to go to work.
The bad news : I actually had an appointment with him scheduled for June 30th. One I completely spaced on, apparently. As in, did not even write down anywhere, nor tell Julian about. Swish, strike three, I’m out.
I hate it when I fuck up like that. But I am a very sick man, and shit happens.
Anyhow, back to the point : I am very worried that my eyes are getting worse. Seems like it gets a little harder to read text, both on the screen and in real life.
And I am scared that this will just keep getting worse until everything is just one big soft blur and I am functionally blind.
I need to say this to get it out of my system, but I also mean it : if I ever go blind, I willkill myself. I could get used to almost anything – being deaf, or paralyzed (as long as I keep my hands), or bedridden, or whatever.
But blindness would be a dealbreaker. Or lifebreaker, I suppose.
I cannot imagine wanting to live if I couldn’t see.
Got that off my chest. That is not a probable outcome at this point. I suspect the worst that will happen is I will need another operation. Or, more likely, that I will need to go back to wearing glasses.
Possibly pretty strong ones.
Hopefully this can all be foxed with a shot to the eye or two, like I said before. I am probably blowing this whole thing out of proportion and everything will be fine in the end and I will look back at this and laugh.
And the good kind of laugh, not the kind of laugh that escalates in volume and maniacal glee to indicate that I have finally lost my freaking mind.
It finally happened.
But diabetes can take your sight. And mine has been running rampant for a long time and continues to do so because my FUCKING sensor spontaneously stopped working and I am back to injecting insulin based solely on intuition.
AKA, not very much. Dammit.
That new paid for by the government prickless (LOL) glucometer can’t get here fast enough. I freaking hate this shit.
My only alternative is to pay $100 for a new sensor. Or beg another from Doctor Caswell, which can probably do.
But not yet. I am going to need time to build up the nerve to make the call to tell Ken I need another sensor again.
I didn’t do anything wrong this time, I swear! It just conked out.
Maybe it couldn’t handle the sweatiness level of a fat guy in a heat wave. I dunno.
Anyhow, so I am worried about my eyes. If things get bad enough I am going to have to see if Doctor Vaezi can see me sooner.
If not, I will have to go (sigh) to the ER.
I’m becoming a bit of a frequent flyer there.
More after the break.
Oh right, I’m supposed to write things now
Trying not to let my visual issues get me down or freak me out.
Whatever happens, I will get through it, and I will be fine.
Also trying not to beat myself up too much over missing that June 30 appointment with Doctor Vaezi. That involves studiously ignoring the annoyingly shrill, mocking voice (like my own personally Woody Woodpecker) in my head that says “If you hadn’t fucked that up, this problem would already have been solved, LOSER. ”
Man I hate that little asshole.
I was really hoping to find one of him getting brutally raped. Oh well.
Some day I will hopefully exorcise enough of my demons and externalize enough of my rage that I won’t attack myself any more.
I am my own tormentor. At some point, I internalized the abuse I got from the world, despite said abuse mostly coming in the form of neglect.
Active or passive, the world made it clear what it thought of me, and many have been the times I wished someone actually would actively abuse me because then, at least, someone would be showing an interest in me and validating my existence.
If someone puts time and energy into torturing you, you must mean something to them.
But if nobody pays any attention to you whatsoever, not even to hurt you, you conclude that you don’t matter at all. To anyone. Ever.
In fact, you don’t even fucking exist. Or at least you shouldn’t.
And the fact that you just keeping hanging around breathing the air and taking up space is a fucking crime. Can’t you take a hint? We don’t want you around!
Signed, The Entire Human Race, Plus The Cosmos Itself.
Well fuck all y’all. I’m not going anywhere. I’m going to claw my way up to the sunlight on a ladder made of the corpses of my enemies and take what is rightfully mine and FUCK anyone or anything that gets in my way.
For far too long, I have been left to starve in the midnight tundra of my depressed soul. No sunlight, no love, no compassion, only the cold arctic moonlight and life lived on emergency power, with no backups.
Well that shit ends right now. One way or another, I am going to make it to the dawn and I am going to build me a shelter and some warm fucking clothes and I am going to warm myself with the heat of my burning delusions and when I finally recover enough to feel human again, I am going to open my front door and walk out into the sun of that new dawn and take a deep breath and shout my joy at being alive to the sky.
And not even heart disease or blindness can to stop me.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.