Feeling really spacey and out of it right now.
Like yesterday, but a little worse. Having trouble staying focused on the screen. Mind keeps wandering off as I get lost in my own thoughts and have to then gently but firmly remind myself that I am, like, doing something.
I keep getting really sleepy right before I would normally blog/eat. So then I have to take a nap instead of a meal. Then I wake up all groggy and messed up and poof, I gotta make the words when it feels like my head is full of ether soaked cotton balls,.
Gee, look at all them pretty colors.
Just kidding. I’m not the fun kind of crazy.
Still, I reserve the right to go full on wackadoodle if things get bad enough. Just forsake all attempts to stay in touch with reality and let imagination and reality merge and live entirely for my own entertainment and to hell with everything else.
Let other people handle that shit. Not fair or noble to make others deal with reality for me but fuck it.
Just stick me in a nice quiet rubber room somewhere and every couple of days turn me towards the light. I’ll be fine.
Honestly, the prospect of being in an asylum kind of appeals to me. All my basic needs taken care of, hot and cold running therapy, plenty of interesting fellow nutcases with whom I can socialize, and maybe try to help with my amateur therapist skills.
They probably wouldn’t let me have my computer, though. Which would be a mistake as with this here compu-box of mine, I would be a placid and complicit maniac.
I might even be very helpful in keeping the other crackpots calm and happy.
Take the computer away, though, and watch the fuck out. I would have to find other ways to keep this massive mind of mine occupied and few of those would, shall we say, align with the institutional goals of the facility.
I could be one disruptive loony if forced to entertain myself. You really don’t want a bored me loose in your facility. The combination of my incredible IQ, a penchant for mischief, and no sense of responsibility for the peace and quiet of the ward would make for quite the explosive cocktail.
Kind of like Brad Pitt from 13 Monkeys. But without the paranoia.
I’ve seen to the very bottom of paranoid schizophrenia. It always has been and always will be ultimately an empty intellectual exercise that pretends to offer deep insight into the true nature of things but is, in fact, mere mental masturbation.
Besides that, it seems like a lot of work. All that red string and corkboard and going through the trash at the DMV.
Still, I have wondered if my deep commitment to a pragmatic, no-nonsense, sensible view of the world based on logic and science is, at its core, a way of keeping myself sane despite the chaos of my inner world.
My grip on reality might be slim due to how much time I spend in virtual life, but that slim grip is very, very strong.
More after the break.
The last of the good days
I’ve had this concept in my head ever since I was a neurotic worrywart of a kid : “This could be the last of the good days. “
In other words, these moments we are experiencing right now could be the moments we look back on as the good old days after some horrible tragedy makes life much, much worse, so much so that it will make today seem like paradise.
Well that’s about how I feel right now. With my health problems piling up and shadows gathering throughout the land and slowly closing in, I feel like this time I am living in right now might be as good as it gets for a very long time.
It only gets worse – so much worse – from here.
I get dizzy a lot lately. Pretty much every time I stand up, I am going to be dizzy for a while. Tonight, when I did my shopping at the Ironwood Sav-on Foods, I was dizzy when I got out of the car and I just kept right on being dizzy through most of my shopping too.
In fact, I still feel a little dizzy. I’m starting to feel like it’s my default state now. My grandmother, may she rest in peace, had severe vertigo before she died.
Diabetes too, come to think of it.
And I have been getting these burning feelings in patches on my legs. It feels like the skin has been scalded, but there is no discoloration or anything. Just the feeling.
I am worried that I have toxic lactic acid levels again and it’s starting to eat away at my muscles – I am literally burning from the inside.
Plus there have been all kinds of weird pains and other sensations all over my legs. I am starting to think I might quite literally be on my last legs. Sooner or later, these poor abused legs of mine are going to go byebye.
I’ll miss them when they’re gone.
I really feel like the sun is setting on my life. I am still going to do what I can to become healthier but it is feeling more and more like a losing game lately.
And I feel so tired sometimes. Like all I want to do is just give up and go to bed and sleep till the world is a nicer place for me to be in.
‘Cause right now it suckity suck suck SUCKs.
I wish I could go check myself into a hospital and have them take care of me until I have my heart surgery and recover from it.
Just show up and say “I am clearly incapable of running my own life, so I hereby surrender control of it to you until such time I am deemed fit to self-govern, ”
That would buy me some time.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.