Yeah, still not in the greatest of moods.
I constantly feel trapped. Trapped in this crumbling edifice of a body. Trapped in this absurd and pathetic life. Trapped in this genuine accept no substitutes apocalypse.
I just want to run, run, run away from it all and keep on running until I find someplace pristine and new where I can start all over and re-invent myself as someone possibly actually worth the space I take up.
Which is considerable.
Some place where nobody knows me. Where the people are wholesome and kind and understanding and willing to help a stranger find his place among them.
I could be one heck of an asset to any community willing to take me in and teach me how to get along.
I am positive that my social issues can be overcome with enough positive emotional input. With the right group of warm-hearted open-minded good-natured people I could flourish pretty fast.
Right now. I feel hemmed in by this bewildering maze of bad tapes and hostility and paranoia and fear. So many demons rise up when I even contemplate trying to socialize with people I don’t know that I am afraid they will try to unionize.
And all of them are shrieking in my ear and jumping up and down and clawing at the walls of my mind making it incredibly hard to think and rendering me effectively a drooling moron who can barely remember to breathe.
And yet, none this torment and turmoil can be seen by the world outside my skull. They just see a fat dude with a pleasant but slightly sickly expression on his bearded face, like he is being held hostage by an invisible gunman who said, “Get rid of them!”.
Which is not entirely untrue.
Because no matter how badly I want to make friends and connect with people, all those demons are pushing me in the opposite direction and just want to escape the situation.
Even if it’s a really nice situation. “Nice” doesn’t cut it for them. Only “safe” will do.
So eventually I will have to flee or push people away. But all the while I will have my mask of friendliness and sweetness and light on, so I will confuse the hell out of people who wonder what they did wrong to set me off.
Nothing, folks. You did absolutely nothing wrong. I am just being chased and hounded by monsters you can’t see and they chased me away.
Wish I could stay,
That’s why I asked for and got some fast-acting anti-anxiety pills like Ativan and that other one. In theory, one of those could take out my anxiety for long enough to get the positive social interaction flowing in a social situation and that could go a long way towards erasing those bad tapes in my head and replacing them with something good.
But I have not exactly been in the mood to stretch my boundaries lately.
So I guess that will have to wait.
Some day I will find my door into the real world.
More after the break.
The burning of the blood
I should be talking about how awesome it was to finally go to Denny’s with my friends after all this time, but that’s not what I am feeling right now.
So in summation : It was awesome.
But right now, I burn. I am through with the wistfully longing for escape phase of my shit fit and now I want to burn the world down with my hate.
As far as you know. I might be doing that right now.
Granted, it’s taking a while.
I am definitely feeling like some kind of manic deranged mystic right now. Like I want to wander the streets shrieking incoherent prophecies and outlandish pronouncements and lurid free-form poetry and/or bizarre prayers to obscure gods.
My hero in this would be this guy :
Right now I hate the world. Because everything hurts. Every bit of stimulation is painful. Every reminder that I am alive and have so much more of this shit I have to put up with makes me feel like I am going to explode with rage. My blood burns and boils with raw malevolence and makes me want to take an axe to everything I see and kill it, kill it, kill it now, then kill it again.
In other words, I’m a touch out of sorts.
I feel like a volcano long overdue for an eruption. I want to bust open like Krakatoa with a sound so loud the whole world will hear it and belch forth so much soot and lava and re hot rocks the size of houses that my rage will burn the skies for years to come and everyone will know my name and why it was a bad idea to wrong me.
I want to climb up high, glare at the sky, then take a deep breath and scream the air black with my pain and my rage and my vast unfulfilled id. Just scream and scream like homesick banshee until my primal wrath is spent.
This may or may not involve a Godzilla style rampage through Vancouver.
I’m still working out the details with my agent.
Most of all I want to bellow a battle cry and leap into the fray. I want to fight something, preferably something bad or at least willing. I want to shake the heavens with the thunder of my blows and fight like a crazed beast till drop from exhaustion.
Maybe then I will finally be able to get some real rest for once. Maybe then I will actually burn myself out enough to be able to relax. Maybe then I won’t feel like this :
Like a gear within a gear within a clock within a store
On a street that’s so familiar but you’ve never seen before
Like a telescoping nightmare that has nightmares of its own
Like a book of ancient knowledge you should never read alone
Like too many constellations on a night too full with stars
Was that a doomsday comet or the lights of passing cars?
Is this fever finally ending? Is the meaning underlined?
Or is this just another turning of the windmills of my mind?
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.