Still feeling violently apathetic.
And as usual, it’s a reaction to all those noisy neuroses in my head clamoring for my attention and trying to freak me out with worry, anxiety, and confusion.
Violent apathy is a heavy but crude tool for the id to use to silence that shit with the power of primal rage.
Good stuff, that primal rage. I should use it more often. My massively mentally masturbating monkey mind could use being thumped into a cowed silence by a club-wielding id a lot more often.
Shut the fuck up you yammering morons. You think you’re clever but you’re not. I’ be a much happier, wiser, smarter, and sharper person without you.
So don’t fucking test me.
Right now I don’t want to do anything. And I don’t give a shit about anything. I want the world to just leave me the fuck alone so I can try to sleep my life away.
I don’t want to have to deal with anything right now. Everything hurts. I can’t think of anything I would actually enjoy doing right now, even if I had a million bucks.
If I had that kind of money, I would probably just check into a really fancy hotel with really comfy beds and extremely good AC and top notch soundproofing.
Throw in a big dicked prostitute/masseur to rub and fuck the tension out of me, and I might actually get some decent sleep for once.
It’s worth a shot, anyhow.
Maybe I should start a GoFundMe. “Please get me fucked up the ass with a huge cock in a five star hotel room so I can sleep!”.
Call it a GoFuckMe.
I really am aflame with horniness lately. So much so that I am actually pondering looking for a hookup via one of the apps like Grindr (gay) or Growlr (gay bear).
Surely someone out there has a passion for fucking big fat juicy thicc bear butts.
Because I got the bitch itch something fierce. I try to scratch it myself with my big ol’ purple gel dildo but it never quite works.
Feels great and all, fucking myself with Biggie, but it ultimately fails to satisfy.
So what the hell, maybe I will join the millennium and do some random hookups to try to get my needs met.
I am way past due for expanding my sex life to include other people. Might be quite therapeutic too. Could do wonders for my mood to actually be sexually satisfied for once in my life.
I’ve heard good things about it.
And Covid is very very slowly coming to an end, so we wouldn’t even have to wear masks while fucking.
Rubbers yes, sadly, but masks are strictly optional.
My conception of my own sex life has been pretty much restricted to solo performances for a very long time now.
Hard to imagine including others when your avoidant personality disorder keeps you locked away like some big fat Rapunzel.
Whatever. I’m going back to sleep.
More after the break.
About creeping paranoia
There is a tensely nervous notice posted in the elevators of our apartment building imploring people not to let people into the building if they do not know for a fact that said person lives here.
Which is ridiculous because nobody knows any of their neighbors these days, so it might as well say “never let anyone in ever”.
Except that would also be absurd because it would require Canadians to be rude to strangers and that is something we are not at all willing to do.
Anyhow, this plus their recent adding of a second gate to the front entrance to make sure strangers don’t use our visitor parking (???) has put creeping middle class paranoia in my mind and so I am going to talk about it tonight.
What I am talking about specifically is the sort of feeling of vulnerability and the presence of shadowy nefarious forces seeking to take your nice things that seems to take hold and fester specifically in the places where people are the safest.
It’s the sort of thing that leads to the resident of idyllic green suburbs spending thousands of dollars on elaborate home security systems even though there has not been a break and enter case in their whole area since the days of the Great Depression and the occasional opportunistic hobo.
It convinces people that one apocalypse or another must be coming and that therefore they have to build bunkers under their houses and stock up on food, liquor, and potable water in order to be “ready”.
It even stokes the fires of xenophobia because surely “those people” who don’t have what we have are going to try to come take it from us somehow.
Maybe it’s immigrants. Or Communists. Or terrorists. Or racial minorities. Whatever.
The important thing is THEY are COMING for us and we have to be READY.
All of these fears are quite clearly insane. And yet they persist and end up infecting not just our nightmares but our politics, our social attitudes, and the moral fabric of society.
And ironically, it is our very safety which breeds this toxic attitude. I think that we are born with a certain sense of danger that cannot be assuaged by any amount of actual safety we can muster.
Ergo, when the danger is not present, we are compelled to invent it.
I also think that the specific feeling that the have-nots are coming to take what we have are our minds’ way of maintaining the sense that what we have is valuable.
After all, if nobody wants it, is it really worth having? Once you have the thing, whatever it is, the thrill of acquiring it fades and we come dangerously close to realizing the long term worthlessness of material possessions and thus seeing that our materialistic lives are spiritually empty.
So we start working on getting even better stuff. And in the meantime, we imagine that we are surrounded by shadowy forces who want to take what we have and are just waiting to pounce the minute our guard is down.
These forces are phantoms of the mind. Any rational examination shows this. And yet we persist in believing in them because otherwise our whole worlds would fall apart,
And these are not isolated delusions. They are mass hysterias that lead to laws, penalties, security measures, and intrusions upon out autonomy with real effects on our lives and our freedoms.
But how does one slay such widely embraced boogeymen? Is it even possible to convince people they are safe when their instincts say otherwise?
Could even a world absolutely free of crime and violence convince us to let our guard down and enjoy ourselves?
Or would that make the delusions worse than ever?
This is not rhetorical. I truly have no answers.
But at least now, the questions have been asked.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.