Summer is officially here. It’s been a lovely sunny pleasant day here in Richmond, British Columbia, with the scents of fresh mown lawns and back yard barbeque mingling in the warm summer air to wash over my nostrils and bring with them waves of nostalgia for lazy summer afternoons of my childhood, with nothing in the world to worry about except whether or not the family would be going to Linkletter Beach this weekend or not.

And as these pleasant memories bring back thoughts of Country Time lemonade served from big camping Thermoses shaped like big fat lanterns to wash down the Pirate brand peanut butter cookies still warm from being in the back of the car (and hence delightfully melty), amidst the scents of sand, driftwood, seaweed, salt water, and the thick coating of Tan n’ Guard (the combination sunscreen and bug repellant) that my mother had lovingly slathered on her little ones…. as all these memories wash over me like a warm sea breeze, I can only think of one lazy but important thought :

It is summer. And hence, I don’t give a shit any more.

It’s involuntary. Once my brain knows, for sure, that it is summer, my already tragically indifferent work ethic goes right out the window to play in the sprinkler. My mind relaxes, my focus goes soft and dreamy, and my personality stretches out like a cat in a sunbeam, rolls over, and goes to sleep, purring.

Now given that I am not exactly the most focused and driven and hardworking person in the world (otters have more ambition) , one might think that having this tendency exaggerated by summer coming in is, you know, Bad. And maybe it could be.

But on the other hand, I am a mentally ill person with a great deal of bitter self-loathing who beats himself up over all kinds of ways in which he is a failure and a freak and who worries about a lot of things that really don’t effect my life at all and who, despite his wicked wit and flair for the absurd, is actually, behind the Pagliacci mask, someone who really needs to loosen up and relax and take life way way less seriously… you know, I might just turn this summer laxation thing into a bonus.

Somewhere amongst the many facets of my n-sided personality is enough of the right facets to make for a happy go lucky kind of fellow who takes troubles and doubts in stride and who can just keep merrily bouncing along towards his goals no matter what, and who never (or almost never) feels overwhelmed by possibilities and options because all he cares about is if he is having fun and moving in the right general direction, so really, any road will do…. and I want to be that guy.

For real. Not just online.

And so the million dollar question is, how to care less without becoming totally careless. I don’t want to become some irresponsible asshole who leaves a trail of wreckage in his wake and is constantly making other people clean up his messes.

Thought honestly, at this point in my life, part of me would be willing to consider it if it meant I was a happier person…. after all, it’s not like I working wonders right now. Maybe I would not only be a happier person, but I would do enough good and spread enough sunshine to make up for the rest.

Perhaps I should just trust enough in my basic personality and its inherent good points that I should not worry about losing the good stuff in the pursuit of the better stuff. I have been worried about that for some time, about becoming a worse person while trying to become a happier person. There is a side of me that just wants to tell everybody and everything to fuck off and die and just become a pushy, judgmental, arrogant, aloof, manipulative bastard.

But that is most likely due to all the latent ambition that my depression suppresses in me. That is why my soul is split between darkness and light, between the beast and the angel. If I just take down the walls, my personality will go through some chaos as the two sides mix, but hopefully, the final outcome will be a new equilibrium at a higher, and happier, level.

At this point, I honestly don’t give a shit. I am just so sick and tired of being the person I have been that I am willing to try damn near anything.

I really have nothing to lose.