OK, now this being tired thing is growing tiresome.

Yesterday, despite missing my therapist’s appointment, I was rather enjoying being all mellow and getting around twelve hours of solid, decent sleep. It is rare for me to find the eye of the storm inside my tempestuous noggin, and so the long sleep and whatnot was a special treat.

But today I am finding myself tired for truly no damned good reason. I have had plenty of rest, plenty of sleep, plenty of time to recharge the old batteries, and yet, I feel heavy, sluggish, thick witted, and lethargic. I have a strong urge to go back to bed… and I have been in the damn thing all day.

As a diabetic, my first thought is to wonder if my blood sugar is somehow out of whack, or at the very least, whack deficient. And it is not out of the question. I have not had any huge variations in my diet lately, but I have been making an effort to eat more of the bread I keep making, and perhaps the increase in carbohydrate load is slowing me down.

Plus, I recently looked at the ingredients of some trail mix I have been eating in order to find out what exactly was in the little cubes of dried fruit (apricot and papaya, it turns out) and found SUGAR on the list. What the fuck, man? This is TRAIL MIX. It’s just peanuts and raisins and banana chips and such. Where did they even put the damned sugar?

Then it dawned on me… the dried fruit! The bastards at Trophy sweetened the fruit as they dried it. Actually, that is quite common with dried fruit, which is why we diabetics are told to avoid it. I had forgotten all about that.

And now I am going to have to ingredient check all trail mix that I buy to make sure I am not going to end up eating basically candy when I eat the stuff.

Dammit, I knew those banana chips tasted too good. But I kept eating the mix anyhow. I thought they tasted so good because I am hard up for sweetness.

I will never blindly trust trail mix again. Dammit.

So that might be part of the problem. I have been eating fruit candy and not knowing it.

Plus, I don’t know, it might well be that I am experiencing some large scale, deep down psychological change and my body wants lots and lots and lots of sleep in order to process it. Our brain does the really big work in our sleep, sort of like waiting until the middle of the night before you do the really heavy road work that shuts down traffic in both directions.

And I do feel like some big changes are happening inside this capacious skull of mine. I could not tell you exactly what they are, but I can feel the rumblings of the firmament. I am pouring a lot of energy into opening emotional channels that have lain dormant for decades or more. Heck, some of them have never been opened at all due to my stunted and sad emotional growth curve due to a complete lack of all the usual life experiences.

And every day, I feel like I am constantly rebalancing my emotions and my reactions in order to deal with the increasingly potent emotional inputs I am experiencing. Turning up the volume on your feelings changes a lot of things, mostly for the better, but it might also be pretty tiring in the short term.

So that is a possibility. Maybe I am tired because my brain is rewiring itself and that takes a lot of downtime because it is one heavy job.

But right now, I am working the theory that I am dehydrated. After all, it is the middle of summer, it has been pretty hot out lately, and I have a long history of both dehydrating easily and not noticing it right away because I am way too all up into myself.

So I am drinking lots of water. That covers me for dehydration and also for the sugar thing. As they taught us in diabetes class, if you accidentally eat something sugary, you can ameliorate the problem by aggressively hydrating. It is not a cure, and you are way better off not eating the sweet thing in the first place, but it helps.

If Theory 2 is correct and my brain is redecorating, well, there is not much I can do about that. I will just have to ride it out.

But hey, at least I will be well hydrated while I go through a profound personal transformation, or whatever. That can’t hurt.

Had a therapy session today. My last one until August 9, which is over two weeks away. Really not looking forward to going that long without a session. Being in therapy has been a godsend for me, and I am making rapid psychological progress with Doctor Costin’s help.

Heck, compared to how slowly I progressed without a therapist, just doing things on my own, I am moving forward at light speed and a half.

Tho he annoyed me today. He came up with this theory that I slept in and missed my appointment yesterday because I subconsciously did not want to see him because of the conversation we had last Thursday.

And I said to him “That sounds exactly like the sort of thing a psychiatrist would say.” And he happily agreed. That did not make me less annoyed.

What I wanted to say, but did not, was “Hey, it is not all about you, OK? I mean, Occam’s Fucking Razor, dude. I think there are simpler and more likely explanations. ”

I can’t rule out his theory completely, of course. It’s that kind of theory. But it strikes me as attributing a level of sneakiness to my subconscious mind that is has heretofore failed to exhibit.

And I have so much other weird shit going on in my brain that there is a plethora of more plausible explanations lined up.

Ones that do not require a highly stealthy metaconsciousness.