It has been pretty damned rocky inside this skull of mine lately.

I am going through one of my periods where I feel restless and angry and hate my life. Everything seems stupid or pointless, nothing really makes me happy, and find myself wondering, over and over again, why I do anything.

This means I am either going through emotional puberty at long last, or I am experiencing male PMS.

Don’t laugh. I’m a gender-weird fag, anything’s possible.

What I most likely need is exercise. The sun is shining and the weather is quite lovely and even an indolent mass of sedentary blubber like myself feels spring’s fancy stirring within what he assumes are his loins.

Never been entirely sure what loins are.

So tomorrow, I will kick myself out of the house (so to speak) and go next door to Safeway to get myself some fun things for supper, like pot pies, burritos, or perogies.

I might even get some of those McCain mini-pizzas I got before. Now that I am over the shock of discovering that they are not microwave pizzas, I can see that they are pretty tasty and not such a hassle to make that it would be pointless to buy them. And they don’t have whatever it is in the Pillsbury pizza-based stuff that makes me wanna gag.

So that’s good.

Of course, I could also be sexually frustrated. Luckily, that is easy to fix. Yay porn!

Deep down, I am hoping that this current grumpy mood is part of my shedding another layer of illness inside me. Reference : that whole iceberg thing I go on about. Another big piece of the glacier breaks off and floats south till it melts.

And like with real glaciers, you never know what you are going to find when it melts. Things can be frozen in there for a very long time. There could be anything in there.

It’s not like I was particularly picky about what I put in there. (We’re leaving the glacier metaphor now.). I lived a very long time pretending that I had no idea there was anything in there and that reality and my consciousness were one and the same. I didn’t know why I had the problems I did, and the weird thing is, I didn’t really think about it much.

I guess I just thought I was a broken, terrible, lazy, disgusting thing, and was too weak and fearful to really examine myself. I just made it through life however I could.

And to be honest, sometimes I miss those day, and wonder if I was happier then. I know that is irrational and that I was not a happy functional person back then. Life was simpler, but not better, necessarily. There were good times (college) and bad times (nearly everything else), but I am on a journey towards true health, beyond mere survival, and that is not a smooth or easy road. It means I have to deal with things instead of just putting them out of my mind.

And there are quite a lot of things to deal with by now.

But I look back to as recently as last October, when I was doing a video a day in addition to my blogging, and wonder if I was healthier and more functional back then. If so, I have, in a sense, gotten worse since then.

I keep telling myself that I can resume making videos any time I want. It’s not like my afternoons are filled with activity and fulfillment now. There is very little stopping me from making more of them, in theory.

But in practice… I honestly don’t feel like it. I feel like I reached a kind of creative dead end with the videos and I need a fresh inspiration for what I can do with them before I return to the form.

Blogging is easy. I just type my thoughts. I don’t have to figure anything out beforehand. That is both good and bad. Good, because I need a place to journal and express my inner self. But bad, because it does not give me much of a creative workout and so I still end up with a lot of creative energy bouncing around inside my head.

Perhaps I need to come up with a Third Thing so I can pour my energies into that. Podcasting is a possible candidate for that, although it seems like sort of a step backwards after video. Like going from being on TV to being on radio.

Podcasting is its own thing, though. It is a lot like radio, but it’s not radio. It’s like radio plus. And I have to admit, the ability to do things with sound effects that would be insanely hard to do in video is appealing. There is no reason I could not do a skit comedy show via podcast.

Heck, I could even do it by myself. Might be a fun stimulus to expand my vocal abilities. After all, if you are doing the whole show yourself, you have to do all the voices. And that could be a lot of fun in a Mel Blanc way.

I would want to be absolutely sure that I can get clear, clean audio though. Every word has to be crystal clear in order for the whole audio skit show thing to work. I cannot abide poor quality audio and I would be terribly embarrassed if people could not make out my brilliant, hilarious words.

And as I understand it, you need to spend serious money on microphones if you want top quality audio. I can afford that, but I honestly would not know which one to choose.

I tried to get advice on what microphone to use to record speech, but the person I asked didn’t know. Everything she knew was based on live performance.

I guess I need someone who understands the technical side of radio.

Or I could read my Podcasting For Dummies book……. nah.

Well that’s all for today folks! See you again tomorrow.