The long slow sadness

Today has been a sleepy day. I spent a lot of the hours of the day in deep, restless, sweaty slumber.

And I wish I could say that it was all involuntary, but I don’t think it was. I really did not feel like facing reality at all today and so I hid in sleep. The usual thing : I got up for meals and slept in between.

I don’t know what changed recently, but I have been more depressed lately. I feel a deep cold inside that I long to release into the world somehow. A long, slow sadness like a long slow note on a cello that changes in timbre and tone but never in frequency.

I guess the glacier of my soul has calved off another iceberg of loneliness, grief, and melancholy for me to deal with and it is up to me to melt it down to nothing.

The urge to push it out into the world instead of just waiting for it to melt on its own is strong in me. Right now, I would do just about anything to rid myself of this burden of ice. I would even, given the chance, grab someone and hold them close just to transfer my coldness to them and let them deal with it, like some kind of vampire of warmth.

Luckily, I don’t have anyone like that around. So I will have to birth my berg alone.

At times like this, I feel poisoned. Befouled. Like somehow I consumed something wretched and now I have to suffer the long painful process of it working its way through me before I can eliminate it.

As metaphors for unprocessed emotions go, it has its appeal.

Of course, I know that the poison came from within, not without. I am autotoxic, like a patient with kidney problems, and what I really need is a long and very thorough course of dialysis to cleanse my filthy soul so the waters of my spirit run clean.

It’s always water.

I have no idea how big my glacier really is or when I will finally be free of it. I can tell that it is much smaller than it used to be and that the smaller it gets, the healthier I am, but that is a relative measure, not absolute. For all I know, I will be going through this process for the rest of my foreshortened fat guy life.

It’s hard not to feel fucked over by fate sometimes. When I look back over my life (which I should not do, but I can’t help it), it makes me mad that I had a disease, depression with social anxiety, that actively prevented my seeking treatment for it. And even when I did seek treatment, the disease still made it very hard for me to be a successful advocate for myself. I just took whatever was given and was glad for whatever I got. Story of my life.

I should have been out in the world living my life instead of hiding from it. But I was so, so sick, and there was nobody in my life who could help me and I sure couldn’t help myself.

Not that I am blaming those who were around me for not being able to help me. I am sure they all wanted to help me, but the nature of my being makes that extremely difficult if not impossible. Trying to help me is like trying to roll a beached whale back into the water by yourself.

It’s always water.

So in my better moments, I can even sort of forgive the teachers and administrators who failed to protect me from bullying when I was in elementary school. I was a lot more than a handful. I was unique. Most of them never even stood a chance at understanding me, let alone handling me. Even for those who could get some kind of grip on me, I did not exactly make their lives easy, being the bundle of shyness, stubbornness, willfulness, utter lack of respect for authority, and smartass attitude.

And powering all of it was a mind unlike any they had ever known. Not just smart but brilliant and unique. I daresay they had never seen the likes of me before that and haven’t since, either.

I was born into a world that could not handle me.

If I had to do it all over again, I would be a lot more demanding and self-assured. And like I keep saying, I would have copped a simply massive attitude. I went the humble egalitarian route before and it sucked. Next time through, I would try the whole egotistical route and see how that works instead.

I have fled from the idea that I am genuinely one hell of a smart dude all my life. I didn’t want to face it, or own it, or take responsibility for it. I ignored it, more or less, or saw it as nothing but a burden keeping me from relating to people.

That was the wrong route. I should have embraced it and rode that pony as far as it would take me. I think I would be a far healthier person now if I had embraced and cultivated my awesomeness and let the world decide what my limits were instead of staying all balled up inside myself.

And yeah, in theory, I could cop that big attitude now. I am, after all, incredibly intelligent and dazzlingly talented. I could be forgiven for deciding that I am freaking awesome no matter what anyone else says.

But I don’t know. I think perhaps my spirit is still too weak for that. And I have this nagging insistence on remaining objective in my way. It is how I relate to the world and it would be nearly impossible to give it up and start huffing my own fumes.

Still…. I hold it in reserve as a possibility.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.

Science and morality, part II

This is a continuation of yesterday’s commentary. I wandered very far away from the point I set out to make yesterday (gee, how rare) and so today I am going to take another crack at it.

In his TED talk, Harris examines the question of the relationship between science and morality, and I certainly agree with him that they are far, far from being mutually exclusive and that the notion that somehow science cannot answer moral questions is just another bit of superstitious anti-science nonsense like the idea that some areas of knowledge are “sacred” and therefore not to be tread upon by the hobnailed boots of science and reason.

Repeatedly, people try to wall off certain subjects to protect them from reason. The very act of doing so betrays a dark suspicion that one’s beliefs are not literally “true”. We are still a long way from widespread acceptance of the materialist truth of human existence : that there is no special category between ‘real’ and ‘unreal’ where something can be real without having to follow the rules of reality, and that all we are is matter and energy, with no special exceptions.

This said, I think Harris does not quite hit the mark. He is making a vitally important point, that we can, will, and must use science to find the best answers to our moral questions, but in doing so he misses a very vital distinction in what science can and cannot do, and it is this distinction that I wish to make today.

It is true that science can, will, and must be used to find the best solutions to moral problems. Take this example :

A father is home alone with his toddler son when the son manages to find and drink something highly poisonous before the father can stop him. Luckily for the kid, his father is a chemical engineer, and in a flash comes up with a concoction made from household chemicals that neutralized the poison and saved the boy’s life.

Clearly, the father used science (his knowledge of chemistry) in the pursuit of a moral goal (saving a child’s life). Very few people would argue that the father should have left science out of his morality and let his child die.

So it is clear that science can, indeed, find answers to moral problems. But the distinction I am making today is that while science can find the answers, it can’t ask the questions.

Not at a fundamental level. The very basis of all morality is the assumption that it matters what happens to human beings, and that is a logically unsupportable assumption. In the light of so-called “pure reason”, there is no basis to prefer people living to people dying, people experiencing pleasure over people experiencing pain, or people experiencing joy over people experiencing despair. As human beings, we care about what happens to humans both because are humans ourselves and because as humans, we have a strong instinct towards altruism and mutual care.

But from the point of view of logic, there is no reason to care what happens to human beings at all. Logic alone could not ask the question of how to save the boy, because it could not provide a reason to act at all. The impetus to action had to come from the emotional core of the father who desperately wanted to save his son.

So what is the role of science in morality? Its role is that of the most powerful servant morality has ever had. Reason is and has always been the servant of emotion. Science is simply the codification of reason into a very powerful system whereby knowledge can be generated, tested, communicated, and most importantly of all, accumulated. The scientific method gives reason a way to add knowledge to an ever-growing model of reality that can then be used to make predictions about the future.

And prediction is the ultimate test for all forms of knowledge. Whether it is predicting the next solar eclipse or knowing what will happen if you mix two chemical together, science is the most potent engine for influencing the universe we know.

And influencing the universe is precisely what morality seeks to do. The goal of morality is always to make the world a more morally acceptable place. Reducing suffering, increasing public safety, protecting people from outside threats… these are all moral problems which have practical, scientific, logical solutions.

Some people do not like that approach. They prefer to think of morality as some sort of special sphere that is not suitable for the pure clean light of reason, and claim that the powerful pragmatism of science is far too crude and thoughtless an instrument for something as special and delicate as morality.

But what these people really fear is that science will force them to change their mind about something. The data won’t match their assumptions and they will be forced to either change their minds or start denying science. They would much prefer that science just stayed out of it so people who never liked math or science in the first place can keep their pet theories.

And what people really don’t like about science interfering in the moral realm is that science might lead to conclusions that don’t feel right. A lot of people are going through the world today with only the basic package of human morality installed, the things we all share. The package that boils down to “be nice and only do nice things”.

And this is a very effective package for the say to day running of a human life. You can be a highly moral person who feels passionately about the welfare of one’s fellow human beings and never have to leave this basic mode of morality.

But true morality is not about doing what feels good. It is about doing what is right regardless of how we feel. It is more important to get the best solutions we possibly can, even ones that do not pass a moral “sniff test”, than to preserve our feeling of being a super nice person.

Well that is all for today folks. I think I hit the mark today. Mu basic point is that Harris is correct that science has a very big role to play in answering moral questions.

It just can’t ask the questions itself.

I will talk to all of you nice people again tomorrow.

Science and morality

This is one of my fave Ted talks ever, and that’s saying something.

I’d seen it twice before today, but I was happy to watch it again as part of my coursework for that online philosophy course that I mentioned in yesterday’s post. [1]

However, when I watched it this time, I notices a flaw on Harris’ reasoning, or at least an area that can be clarified, and so I thought I would tackle it today while I am still feeling all smart and academic.

Repeatedly throughout the talk, Harris asks where we get this idea that all opinions should be treated equally when it comes to ethics. I realize the question was rhetorical, but I think it needs addressing regardless.

This notion of active moral relativism did not come about in a vacuum. Instead, it is something that naturally occurred out of the rise of pluralism. In the 20th century, one of the most important lessons was tolerance. We learned to live and let live.

This is not a new concept. It is, in fact, how all great empires and large cities have been forced to evolve. The more diversity a city or nation has, the more it must learn to let people have their own customs and beliefs and only get the government and the law involved in things which involve multiple cultures.

As far back as Babylon, there were peoples of radically different cosmologies (and to a certain extent, moralities) living side by side who all had to learn the basic lesson of tolerance : that tolerance for me and my kind comes at the price of tolerance for everyone else’s kind. You only get the tolerance you give.

Groups that could not learn that soon found themselves driven out. Cities that could not achieve this were rent asunder by inner divisions. Nations that could not learn this did not last.

So what Harris is really lamenting is that we have passed the point where the very good and necessary virtue of tolerance spills over into the total abdication of intellectual responsibility on the part of the media, the politicians, and to a certain extent the populace themselves for not demanding more.

The tricky part is negotiating the difference between respecting people’s right to their own opinions and people’s right to have those opinions remain unchallenged. Allowing people to have their own opinions does not need to mean that everyone can say whatever fool thing they want and nobody is allowed to object or point out flaws.

The freedom of speech that protects your right to state an opinion always protects my right to criticize it.

This is the gulf we must cross in this modern Internet-soaked era. We must learn to stand up to those who try to shield themselves from criticism by claiming freedom of speech and tell them, powerfully and simply, that if they put their opinions into a public forum, they are opening them to criticism, and that applies equally and fairly to everyone.

This is the soul of the marketplace of ideas, and said marketplace is vital to every democracy. It is the crucible in which the future of a democratic nation is forged, the laboratory in which new ideas are tested to their limits. It is always the nation with the most lively marketplace of ideas that produces the ideas that will lead the world into the future.

And it is always the side of the argument that cries “no fair, you shouldn’t be allowed to say that!” who inevitably loses. To say so is a tacit admission that your ideas cannot stand up to rational challenges and the only way to preserve them (and, more importantly, your belief in them) is if nobody is allowed to disagree with you and shatter your fragile illusions.

You’d think today’s pro-capitalism would understand this, because the marketplace of ideas is exactly like the marketplace of capitalism. The strong ideas that can withstand competition survive, and the rest die.

It is no coincidence that it is the Internet that has brought this issue to light. With the explosion of the Internet in the last 20 years, the marketplace of ideas, like the marketplace for goods and services, has gone global, and ideas that sold well in small local markets now face stiff competition from ideas from all around the world.

It has never been easier to share your opinion with the world, and for the world to share its opinion right back at you. Sure, you and your weird group of friends can keep on believing that the biggest threat to world peace is a secret army of well trained and heavily armed turkeys, but sooner or later you are going to want to let the rest of the world in on what they need to do to survive (random guess : cranberry sauce?) and then your ideas will be in the marketplace. [2]

So to answer Harris’ question : We got the idea that all opinions are equally due respect from the very trend towards tolerance that has been a vital portion of the forging of modern society and all this cooperation we have with one another.

This does not detract from Harris’ main point, which is that science can and will be used to answer moral questions.

But once more, I have run out of words, and will have to return to this topic another day.

I will talk to all you nice people again tomorrow.

Footnotes    (↵ returns to text)

  1. Oh, by the way, I took the quiz : 19/20, aka 95 percent. Booya!)
  2. It should be noted, though, that as difficult as it might be sometimes, we have to be very careful about what constitutes the marketplace. If you barge into the headquarters of the People United Against The Chickens shouting “It’s the turkeys! The turkeys, you fools! The chickens are only patsies!” then you are the one at fault. They did not put their ideas into the marketplace. If, on the other hand, they show up at your annuals Turkeys versus Chickens debate, have at them.

You owe it to yourself

I say this by way of explanation for what follows : I have been taking a course called Moralities Of Daily Life via an app from Yale University called Coursera.

It is a program that lets you take tons of Yale courses via watching the lectures over streaming video. That’s nothing big, a lot of places do that. But via Coursera, you can also do all the required readings, check out the syllabus, see the prof’s bibliography for the course, and lots of other scholarly things, all from your Android device.

All in all, it’s really bitchin’, and I am so stoked that this kind of thing even exists. I was one of those rare students who were actually there to learn throughout my education, and so the ability to learn all I want for free in a way strikingly similar to actually taking the course is just plain amazing.

They even give you a sort of certificate in the end verifying that you completed the course. It’s nothing like an actual degree in anything but still, nice.

I have already finished watching the first week’s lectures, so when I finish the required reading (and watching), I will be ready to take the quiz.

Which I will crush, of course.

Anyhow, it is with all this awesome philosophy about morality swirling around in my brain that I posted this to Facebook :

“Your question for tonight : is it possible to morally transgress against oneself? Can harming oneself be just as immoral as harming another? Or does our sense of individual autonomy and personal sovereignty preclude such judgments?
What would you do if you were to be morally judged on your actions towards yourself?”

It is a question I have had in the back of my mind since college, but it was only when I started typing it into Facebook that I realized what an amazingly hard and complicated question it was.

And of course, I thrive on difficult and complicated moral questions (I’m sick, I know) and so it is these questions that I will wrestle with tonight.

And you all get to watch! For free!

Clearly, when it comes to the individual unto themselves, moral thinking falls down the rabbit’s hole. Trying to apply moral thinking to one’s action towards themselves is like trying to bite your elbow, or argue with your own echo. All of our thoughts on morality are directed outward from the individual. Morality is meant to guide us in dealing with others in an ethical way.

But do we have moral obligations to ourselves?

Certainly, there is no issue of consent. That, at least, can be safely removed from this messy equation. Everything you do to yourself you consent to just by doing it. You might do things that some part of you does not want to do, but no matter how you look at it, you consent to what you do to yourself.

No matter how self-destructive those things might be.

Still, arguably, if we care about ourselves at least as much as we care about others, from that point of view we would have a moral obligation to treat ourselves at least as well as we would treat a stranger to whom we were favorably inclined.

So can you sin against yourself, then? Can acts which are against your own well-being and self-interest be judged as wrong?

It seems absurd to say they can. It violates our sense of autonomy. We tend to assume, in the democratic world, that everyone is free to do as they please with themselves, and pursue whatever courses of action strike us as a good idea. Even just introducing the concept of morality into how we deal with ourselves feels like a violation against that sacred autonomy, even without any kind of external enforcement implicit in the bargain.

So is the kingdom of ourselves an anarchy? Hardly. We judge our own actions and even our own thoughts all the time. We keep a running tally of whether or not we are good people, and no other scorekeeper can override it. To avoid guilt, we strive to behave in a moral way. Clearly, we are capable of judging ourselves, sometimes quite harshly.

Then why does it all fall down when we try to judge actions against ourselves? Is it just that it creates a terrible kind of identity feedback, self reflecting self reflecting self ad infinitum? Is that what makes this such a difficult topic to contemplate? Or is it something else?

Certainly, the simplest and most appealing answer is to simply say no, it is not possible to morally transgress against oneself. A self-directed action might be unwise, or stupid, or crazy, or even just against one’s best interests, but it cannot be wrong.

That is a very satisfying answer and is honestly good enough for a lot of people and it is only us crazed philosophers who have to take it further and wonder if that means that we are using a different standard of behaviour for us and for others.

But how to judge this? Certainly we cannot simply imagine ourselves doing the same thing to another person. As I said before, we inherently consent to what we do to ourselves. You cannot compare that to doing the same thing to another against their will. And if it is with their consent, then what is the problem?

A better test might be to imagine a loved one is doing the same thing to themselves. Does that upset you? Do you wish they would stop? Then maybe you had better stop doing it yourself. Perhaps it is a sin against self.

That is where the morality of self transects the more usual form of morality. What we do to ourselves does have a real impact on those who love and care about us. If you don’t believe me, then talk to the children of men who died and left their families to grieve because they refused to change their bad habits.

That’s all for tonight, but I might take it up again tomorrow.

I will talk to all you nice people out there again tomorrow, rain or shine.

The sun also rises

I feel a lot better today.

I am still blowing my nose fairly often and I don’t exactly feel 100 percent wonderful, but then again, do I ever? Only in my rare and elusive hypo-manic phases.

Still, it sucks to be my way, way less today than yesterday. The feeling of malaise has receded, and I feel more alive and vibrant than I have since before the convention.

Soon, I might have the energy to start poking shoots up through the crumbling concrete of my depression again. I have not done a lot of growing in the last week. No little sojourns into the outer world, no little life-expanding exercise back here at the home front. For this week, it is pretty much been all about survival.

But I feel that deep restlessness and boredom stirring within me, so who knows what the future will bring?

I just have to remember that putting a whole lot of pressure on myself – letting my depression go wild on me – accomplishes the opposite of its supposed intent. Instead of pushing me towards my goals, it pushes me away because then the goals become this hostile thing looming over me that I just want to avoid by any means possible.

True growth will come from a natural desire from within my soul , not some crazy amount of pressure from my messed up brain. It is in the spirit that my problems lie. A weakness of spirit and will has lead to a twisted and, to put it mildly, counterproductive frame of mind, and it will take a long time for me to heal from all those years of treading water in a sea of unprocessed emotion, desperately clinging to whatever I can find instead of letting go and learning to swim.

It is very hard to withhold judgment. I have let self-loathing crush me at its will for a very long time now. After all, that is what kept me safe, right? abuse yourself today and beat the bullies to the punch? Venting my inner hostility on myself might be insanely self-destructive, but at least I didn’t have to deal with other people.

It’s sad to think of how long I stayed in that mindset, not really knowing any better. I lived so long with what now seems like an understanding of life and awareness of the world so small it might as well have been two-dimensional.

Thank goodness I finally got into therapy.

Oh, and speaking of therapy, tomorrow’s going to be a busy day for me. Here’s why.

See, a long time ago, I made an appointment to see a surgeon about my knee and its busted minisces. Even as the appoibntment was made, I was terrified that I would forget it. This is not an unfounded fear. I have a long and shameful history of forgetting all about appointments if they are too far in the future, and I made this one at the end of August.

Fast forward to last weekend, during Vcon. Suddenly, in the midst of a panel, I suddenly remember that I had an important appointment some time in early October. Oh shit, I thought, I am probably going to miss it, and there is nothing I can do about it because I don’t have the surgeon’s number with me (it’s back home on the computer) and I don’t even remember his name. Doctor….. Kojac?

So I was greatly relieved to find no angry messages about missed appointments on the machine when we got home. And then… the whole thing slipped my mind again.

I know, I know…. bad patient. To be fair, I was very tired and somewhat ill at the time.

It was lucky, then, that I just happened to be idly browsing my files when I spotted the spot where I had taken down the doctor’s information and the date.

WHICH I MISSED. Holy fucksicles, this is loopy even for me. I just now realized, in telling you this tale, that I thought the 9th was Friday, even though I knew damned well that Monday was the sixth. So I totally missed this rather important appointment because I couldn’t figure a simple bit of calendar math.

Gaaaah this sucks. My reputation will only grow as a flaky patient after this. I really hope doctors don’t compare notes about this kind of thing.

I mean, they can’t outright refuse to heal me…. right?

Actually, in an ironic way, there might have been no damage done today… because I know damned well that I forgot to call to confirm on the 2nd, so they probably just erased the appointment then.

I don’t know what is wrong with me. It’s not like I lack the capacity to remind myself. There’s a ton of programs for Android whose sole purpose is to remind you of stuff. I could have just said to myself “Well, no way I will remember this by then, I had better set a reminder for myself to make the confirmation call on the day it’s due and another for the day before the appointment and the whole thing would have been taken care of.

But no, I forgot to do that too, and so I fucked up again.

Once again, I find myself thinking that I need some sort of minder. Someone whose job it is to help me keep all my marbles together and remember to do things. Someone who will jot down my sudden random thoughts and make sure I do things like take my insulin and do my testing and uses my CPAP machine.

I guess I need someone to watch over me.

Man, there has never been another voice like Ella. Her versions of songs don’t just sound good. They sound right.

But men don’t get those, do they? Women can always find a white knight if they really want one, but for us men, it is just not an option. It’s be strong or be a loser.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.