Well, pre-comedian, anyhow. Proto-comedian.

Today, Felicity and I traveled to Burnaby for our orientation for Stand Up For Mental Health. And it was fab. I am even more excited about the program than before because in just this one session, I learned a ton of valuable things about stand up comedy, and that makes the comedy nerd in me happy enough to plotz.

The most important thing, the thing that is the big world-changer paradigm shifter for me, is the idea that you don’t set out to write jokes. You write down true things about yourself, and then find the humour in them.

Brilliant! That way you can decide what you want to express before feeling the need to find a way to express it. All we did today is write down facts about our mental health experience and then turn them into jokes.

And yet, I feel positively enriched! All the stuff I feel shame about (and I have a lot of shame for someone raised without religion) can be turned directly into comedy gold, and using the skills I already have, to boot!

Pha King A! I think this is going to go splendidly. I’m going to love it!

Another bonus : when I woke up this morning, I felt horrible. Absolutely wretched. Felt like I had slept in a cardboard box with insufficient air holes. Classic sleep apnea hangover. Eating helped, but then I wanted to go back to sleep.

That is the pattern I have unconsciously fallen into : get up, eat lunch, go back to sleep. Now my body expects to go back to sleep after the first time I eat. So I felt both stifled and sleepy, and generally crappy.

And that is absolutely marvelous, because I went anyway.

The idea of not going was not even on my radar. I knew that I absolutely, positively, definitely go no matter how shitty I felt. And realizing that I did that, set my mind on something and carried it out resolutely and with total conviction, is wonderful new indeed. I feel better about myself. And that’s worth all the money in the 1 percent combined.

And I feel much more relaxed about the program. I was very funny today, and what’s more, it was a place where being very funny was not only allowed but encouraged. I got to shine some today, and that helps a lot too.

As does the lovely sunshine. Really have to look at whether I have SAD. (Me depressed caveman. Me have sad. No hunt. Stay home in cave. Binge watch Veep. )

Another thing I realized is that I am already a comedian. I mean, I guess a sort of always knew that, but it really crystallized today. I “write jokes” all the time. I just don’t write them down. We were talking about my experience with group therapy and a certain somnolent psychiatrist (Doctor Dahi, go ahead and sue me! I’d richly enjoy humiliating you in open court) and I realized I already have material on it. Stuff I came up with at the time. Things I use to express myself about that time when it comes up in conversation. I am a natural joke-smith. It’s a deep part of how I express myself.

The only thing missing is that I don’t write the stuff down.

So I will learn to do that. I don’t want to do it, but I will. A big part of me doesn’t want to sacrifice the spontaneity of the moment by slowing down and writing down a joke, but it is a compromise I am willing to make if it leads to comedy.

Or maybe I will voice record it. Whatever. Point is, capture the magic, goddamn it.

So I am confident that I will learn a lot from the course and have a lot of fun doing it. A lot of it will be helping other people with their material, and I am totally cool with that. I love helping people and I really love making the word a funnier place, so I have no problem sprinkling my sunshine onto other people’s lawns.

On the contrary, it’s the time spent with my own material that I worry about.

See, I don’t normally open up my creative process to, like, anybody. I don’t want other people making ripples in the pond (water imagery) while I am trying to create something. From beginning to end, my creative process is closed.

You can have it when I am done with it.

Obviously, that is going to have to change. I will come to class with jokes I am working on, or even jokes I already think are dynamite, and open them up for judgment and criticism.

And I am not proud of this, but I am not sure I can be totally cool about that.

I want to be, but I can’t guarantee it. I am fairly worried about this. I am not used to this sort of… input. I am worried that I might snap at someone, and that selfsame comedic talent can cut people really deep if used as a weapon.

And these people are fragile enough already.

So I will have to guard for that. I am free to ignore people’s advice and I am capable of being an adult about this whole group discussion thing. I can get used to this kind of process.

But it cuts very, very close to where I live. I remember how depressed I used to get after reading to the Richmond Writer’s Group. And it wasn’t because they didn’t like it.

It was that they didn’t understand it.

So I may be juggling live grenades at first when I bring in material and people don’t get it or don’t think it’s good. I know it is supposed to be a supportive, helpful atmosphere free from harsh judgment, but like all artists I am quite sensitive and emotional when it comes to my work, and even constructive criticism hurts.

I will have to learn to let down my guard and trust people before I can sure I am out of the woods on that one.

Must. Control. Sarcasm!

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.