Well Martha, I done did it again. I forgot my sleeping pills at home again. And like I say every time it happend, the thing about my sleeping pills is that without them, I don’t sleep.

So I decided that I will use the only sleep aid at my disposal, and that is blogging. Hopefully, by blogging at all you nicenbsp; people, I can disperse enough nervous tension and mental energy to sleep.

It’s a longshot, but it’s the only shot I got.

Learned lots of neat stuff in Psych 1100 today. We are out of the basic neurology and into what I think of as real psychology. Today’s lesson was about one of the most fascinating subjects in psych : consciousness.

That ended up bringing me an important epiphany. See, the prof was talking about the whole stupid “but what is consciousness, REALLY? ” question, and how “it can’t just be protons moving through membranes” and I said “of course it can be… because that’s what it is!” and said people know what consciousness is, they just don’t like the answer. No matter how refined our picture of the brain becomes, people are going to say it can’t be “just” that. Even avowed materialists like my prof will insist it can’t “just” be that.

But it is. There is no magic ingredient, like Descartes believed. And breaking things down to their smallest part always makes them seem absurd. Shakespeare’s plays are “just” a string of letters. DNA is “just” a string of protein. A star is “just” a bunch of hydrogen and helium.

So I brought this all up in class (in fewer words) and she wrangled with it for a bit and then just dropped it and moved on.

And I suddenly realized how obnoxious I was being. Whether or not ny points are valid (they are), she didn’t want or need them at that time, and neither did the rest of the class. All I was doing was interfering with the learning/teaching process just to show off how smart I am. It was neither the time nor place to start an argument or attack what the prof was saying.

And yet, I was doing it to try and impress her, in a way. And this is hardly the first time I have done this. I have done it since grade 1, to be honest. And that made me realize that I have spent my whole life trying to impress teachers and profs in a way that is sure to piss them off solid, ANDnbsp; make the whole class wish I would just shut the fuck up already.

That… is a fairly harsh thing to realize about oneself.

I don’t want to make it sound worse than it is. Most of the time, I am not consciously trying to impress anyone (and that is good because I was REALLYnbsp; obnoxious today.. I cringe to think of it). I am just very eager and have certain boundry issues when it comes to arguing (I love it TOO MUCH) and it was not until today I realized how wrong I have been.

So in the future, I will restrain myself. I will pay close attention to the differebce between a request for clarification and an attack on what the prof is saying, and for the most part, STFU, listen, and learn.

And keep my wildly original thoughts to myself, for the most part.At least until I find the proper venue.

Like, say, this blog.

This doesn’t mean I will be silent in class. That would be asking too much. But I will ask fewer questions, start no arguments, and for heaven’s sake, pay close attentiin to the tone of my voice.

And keep in mind thst I want to help the prof, not bust their chops.

I am tempted to email her and apologize, but I am fairly certain she would just tell me that she appreciates my eagerness and interest in the subject matter, and not to worry about blah blah etc.

That is both the proper professorial response – they can’t very well tell a student “you’re right, you’re obnoxious, stop being so interested and engaged with the subject matter and STFU – and what I understand of her personality. She seems very sweet and shy, and hence probably not keen on confrontation. So she probably would tell me everything was cool even if I was pissing her off so bad it made her eyes cross.

So I will take it upon myself to improve. It was a painful revelation, but one which opens the doorway to enormous personal growth.

Plus, I kind of want to see what happens if I go an entire class without answering any questions. I am sure there must be other students who would love to answer who just don’t think as fast or speak as easily as I do.

I am being obnoxious again. Better rein it in.