Got reminded, completely by accident, that I should be working on something or other with two partners for my Ethics class on Monday.

I am pretty sure we are just supposed to get together and study because on Monday, I will be doing a group exam with these guys. Three dudes, one exam handed in, with three names on it.

What a revolting thought.

Seriously. I mean, I am sure the other two dudes are fine guys and decent students, but I sincerely loathe the idea of a group exam. I really do not want to join my destiny with another’s. I have done my own work for my whole life. I would much rather do the exam alone and rise or fall on my own merits.

Even though, in theory, with three of us, we should be able to come up with an exam paper far superior to one we could do on our own. As long as one of us remembers Fact X, we all get the benefit. We should be able to kick the exam’s ass, to be honest.

But I still hate group work. I guess, when you really get down to it, I am a loner by nature. I am not looking to join, collaborate, or be a team player. I want to work on my own. Do my own thing. I’, not misanthropic – I don’t hate people. I don’t consider myself too good to work with others either^[1]. It’s not even that I have a problem with authority.

It’s just that I want to do my own work in my own way. Even when I was an actor in a play, I had my role and I did it on my own, at least in my own mind. I didn’t have to constantly work with and look to others in order to get the job done. If that had been the case… I might have failed as an actor.

That would have been very depressing.

It’s not that I am antisocial. It’s more like I am not totally social. I need my boundaries and I need people to respect them. I need my own little patch of ground where I can work by myself. I am happy to contribute that work to the group effort – that’s not a problem.

But I need to be left alone to do it. That’s non-negotiable.

I suppose I just need to make peace with that. We don’t always get to be the person we want to be. I can’t be super friendly and sociable and easygoing on all things. When push comes to shove, I am a Taurus bull who has to have certain things his own way.

I guess everyone, at some point, has to face the truth about who they can and cannot be. There’s always tension between our social mask and what lies beneath. Between our idea of the best kind of person to be and the person we actually are, and furthermore, what actual options we have for change.

And what things are just the fundamental variables of our character.

The science is fairly firm on the subject. People can change their fundamental character a little bit. But for the most part, you are who you are, and I suppose we are all better off simply accepting them and making the best version of yourself given those constants.

I don’t know why I feel like I should be more social and such than I am or can ever be. Maybe it’s simply because I am so lonely and desperate for connection that I feel, deep down, that I should be maximizing all possibilities for it. Like I am a starving man who can’t afford to be fussy about food.

But that’s not a healthy outlook in this case. It is much healthier to decide who you are and what you can and cannot do and can and cannot be. And that includes exactly how social you really are. Desperation is never attractive (except to very, very bad people) and once you decide what your limits are and that you are perfectly fine on your own and can therefore afford to be choosy, you will stop putting out that desperation vibe and people will naturally find it easier to get close to you. It will also help you be more relaxed in social situations, and therefore more open to things like social cues and the group vibe, making it easier to stay connected.

I am working on that. There is still a lot of emotional noise that rises up and cuts me off from others like a wall of static and leaves me isolated in the middle of the group. It even rears its ugly head with my friends now and then. It’s insidious because as a response to social nervousness, it works, in that it does actually cut off the social stimulation that is causing the problem.

But in a really terrible way. It’s the definition of maladaptive. All that emotional noise makes it impossible for me to think and whatever I say is going to come out as strange and alienating as a result. If I could just stay loose and stay happy, I would be able to use my charm and charisma to get by, instead of sending these mixed signals of friendliness and alienation at the same time.

And of course, most of the noise in my head when I am having a social freakout is just plain wrong. People don’t hate me and wish I would just go away already. The moment might be awkward, but awkwardness is not the worst thing in the universe. It can be overcome. It’s like broadcasting : the worst thing you can do is stop dead. No matter what mistake you make, just keep going like nothing happened.

It’s one thing to be sensitive. That’s a good thing, it keeps you tuned in to other people’s feelings.

But when your mind is lying and given you false emotional information, that’s not sensitivity.

That’s insanity. And that’s not good at all.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.