Don’t worry, it was purely verbal.

I was on the Skytrain home from my little one-on-one with my Sketch prof^[1] when a loud argument erupted near me. Some young blonde dude was trying to panhandle on the Skytrain, and that’s totally against the rules. People want to be able to commute in peace. Panhandling on the street is find because you are not getting in people’s faces about it. But when you panhandle on mass transit, you are inherently getting in their face and invading their personal space at a time when they would rather not be pressured to do things.

So this older guy, lets call him Mallcop because he had a very “rent a cop” vibe to him was telling the younger guy, whom we will call Blondie, that panhandling was not allowed on the Skytrain, and Blondie was doing that super irritating thing where he would agree with the guy, but then argue that he should be allowed to do it, then agree again that he will stop doing it, then move off looking exactly like he was going to start doing it again, and Mallcop was not having it. And I am trying to ignore it but Blondie is really starting to piss me off and I know something is coming.

So of course, I butted in. I could see that Mallcop lacked the mental maneuverability to handle Blondie once Blondie started in with the sob story about mental illness and panhandling for 22 hours and selling his body to an old man and so forth and so on. So I had to take over.

And he, of course, tried the same bullshit with me, but I see through that kind of thing. Highlights include :

Blondie : I was starving on the street!
Me : So you’re not on social assistance?
Blondie : Well… yeah, I am, but they only give me a few hundred dollars….
Me : It’s $550 and I know you can live on that because I have.
Blondie : But…. you had a place to live!
Me : And you don’t have a place to live?
Blondie : Well not yet… I’m on a waiting list for an SRO and I am crashing on a friend’s-
Me : Sounds to me like you are right on track, then.

I wish I had said “You have $550 and no rent to pay and you STILL think the rules don’t apply to you? Check your privilege, bro. ”

Blondie : And people are so hostile to me just because I’m poor-
Me : No, it’s because you are breaking the rules.
Blondie : Yeah, but I need money…
Me : So you think most panhandlers don’t need the money?
Blondie : Well, no….

And then there’s this gem :

Blondie : Well yeah, panhandling is against the rules, but you know what’s worse? Stealing, or murdering, and I’m not doing any of those-
Me : You don’t get credit just for not breaking the law!

I mean, talk about aggressive panhandling. “Give me money or I am going to steal and murder!”.

One more snippet :

Blondie : I have so much mental illness, I feel like killing myself all the time…
Me : Me too. For the last 20 years.
Blondie : Well I don’t attack you for that and tell you you’re a piece of shit because of it…
Me : I never said that.
Blondie : Well, no, but…

Basically, he was a clearly overprivileged spoiled immature asshole who wanted to take people hostage by talking about killing himself and thought the rules didn’t apply to him because they were not convenient for him and could not imagine that anyone ever had the right to be mad at him or object to what he is doing and so they can only be doing it because they are heartless and mean.

I don’t put up with that bullshit no matter who is doing it, whether it’s some young dude on the Skytrain or some old conservative whining about taxes. I can’t stand it when people think the rules don’t apply to them. Like they have such a profound sense of their own personal preciousness that they can’t even connect the rules everyone else follows with their own behaviour.

Rules are for other people, not me!

And there was something really galling about how pouty and whiny and childish he was acting.

The only part of it that I regret is that, after he had moved away to the other end of the Skytrain car I was in, I overheard him whining to some of the people there about how heartless I was, and I snapped and yelled “Get the fuck over yourself!”

That was wrong. It was wrong because I yelled and I can be very loud, it was wrong because I swore and to some people that’s a big deal (I could hear people gasp and I could tell I had lost what public sympathy I had left) and it was wrong because I lashed out in anger while making it personal.

And while I don’t think I said anything wrong, I do wish I could talk to him again now that I am somewhat calmed down.

Here’s the advice I would like to give him :

Get over yourself. No seriously…. get over yourself. I’m not saying this to be mean or to hurt you. I am saying it because getting over yourself is the best damned thing you can ever do for yourself. You need to accept the fact that you are an adult now and that means you are in charge. Only your mother owes you unconditional love. And in case you haven’t noticed, your momma ain’t here. Going around whining and wheedling with your lower limp sticking out will get you nowhere. You need to do whatever it takes to get yourself well then get on with your life. There is nothing you can get from another that is more valuable than learning to rely on yourself. So it’s up to you…. you can go on blaming everyone else for everything and acting like a child…. or you can man up, take responsibility for yourself, and become a happy grownup. It is all up to you.

The worst part about the whole thing was that it didn’t upset me at all. In fact, I enjoyed it, and after it was over I felt a great relief.

So clearly I have some stuff to work through and I need to find a healthy and harmless way to do it.

Anyone know of a good right wing forum for me to lay waste to?

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.

I am incredibly close to completing my second term at VFS. In fact, I’m only fifteen minutes away!

I shall explain.

All I have left is my one-on-two with my Sketch prof and the nice lady who is going to produce the skit show next term in which actors will actually act out one of my skits. The idea is that they will tell me which of the two they chose and why, and hash out any last minute concerns with me.

I am not looking forward to it.

Why? Because I feel acutely embarrassed by the skits I submitted. They are not my best work. Most of the skits of my classmates are better. And both my skits are super short. One is one page and the other is two. So whichever one they choose, my bit will be real real short.

I feel like I fucked up big time.

My skits aren’t terrible or anything, but I can do so much better. I didn’t spend much time at all writing them, and it shows. So while they do contain my characteristic wit, I feel like they are sloppy, hurried work, and there was no excuse for that.

Besides wanting to get back to my fucking video game. Which is no excuse at all.

Heck, even some of my old skits from Way Back When would have made a better choice than the two POS I submitted. Sure, those skits seem hopelessly amateurish to me now, but at least they were more than two pages long and were made with much precision and care.

Instead, I submitted an updated version of my Hillary skit and a quickie about an athlete who thanks Satan for his success.

The immediate issue is that I care too damned much. This is Sketch, something I love, and something wherein I am extremely eager to make a good impression. But I am too neurotic for that level of enthusiasm, and so instead of healthy zeal, it turns the whole thing into crushing anxiety, self-doubt, and second guessing.

And then, in what I am beginning to think might be the basic pattern of my mental malfunction, the maelstrom of emotions leaves me paralyzed, unable to act. Just brood, and hate myself. And when I finally overcome that, I have built the writing up as such a huge thing in my mind that it terrifies me and I (drumroll please) just want to get it over with as quickly as possible!

Voila, the formula for sloppy crappy work.

So clearly, I need to learn to corral my neuroses. Honestly, I am starting to think that cocky self-assurance might actually work better for me as long as it comes with a work ethic attached. After all, a cocky attitude got me through school and college. Didn’t study or take school seriously at all, waltzed in, aced the test, walked out. That might seem like a terrible way to do business and it certainly doesn’t pass the common sense test, but for someone like me, it has hidden benefits.

Namely that the cockiness counters the screaming neurosis and allows me to function so I can actually do a good job.

As I have mentioned many, many, many times in this space before, I never had to study at school. What I don’t think I have mentioned is what happened when I tried. I tried to learn to study many times, but it always resulted in exactly what I am talking about : I became a nervous wreck, what had been easy for me now seemed impossible, and I was far worse off than before.

Turns out, cockiness really works for me.

So perhaps I will attempt to stay cocky and egotistical in the future – the kind of egotistical that would not dare to let anything go until it was good enough to be released under my name.

In other words, I need to stop being so goddamned lazy/fearful and buckle down and work really hard on this shit. That means not considering it done the second I finish the first draft. That is going to require a significant amount of psychological growth, because when I go back to improve said first draft, all that neurotic bullshit starts happening. I suppose it’s because when I stop writing about it, I have to either shove it out the door so I can forget about it, or stay with it and start really thinking about it, and unleash a tidal wave of self-doubt and neurosis which destroys my confidence in the work entirely and leaves me broken and fearful.

Clearly, I need a third option.

Because I will not always have a forgiving editor or other person to act as the other half of the equation and make the corrections, which I then implement. There will be times that I have to do the whole thing by myself, from beginning to end, and if it’s not good enough, I just plain won’t get the job (or whatever).

What’s more, I need to be able to keep the whole thing in my mind even after the first draft is done, because I need to be able to improve it. So it can’t always be a “fire and forget” thing. I need to somehow get to the place where I can do all the perfecting and polishing myself.

Oh well. At least my skits (remember those?) are funny-ish and the organizers said they wanted some short stuff to use to vary the pace of the show to keep it interesting. So my stuff might be good for that. I am probably being far too hard on myself out of rampaging insanity. I am a good writer, and a very funny guy, and I should remember that when times get tough.

So I fuck up sometimes. Who doesn’t? I will catch up and everything will be cool.

I just have to cut down on the time I spend in the “safety” of video games and the Internet so that I get used to going without it and get my fucking priorities straight.

And now, I will go play a game I downloaded from the Internet.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.