Nothing weighty on my mind, so it’s time for the usual chitchat. (I typed that as shitchat the first time. That is, presumably, a conversation where one shoots the proverbial shit. )

Today’s been quite pleasant. Well, past a certain point, anyway. Waking up sucked a lot more than usual. For the first time in a long time, I woke up stewing in my own sweat feeling like I had taken a heavy beating while running a marathon underwater.

It’s a very unpleasant way to wake up, and I felt awful for a long time until my body finally caught up to its oxygen needs. I have a feeling I was dreaming heavily at the time, but if so, I don’t remember the dream at all. Waking up I was bleary, my heart was pounding, and I absolutely had to get out of bed and sit at the computer, despite the fact that I was too stupefied to do anything.

When this sort of thing happens, I become psychologically allergic to my bed for a while. When I lived with Eamon, this caused some tension, because back then I would deal with it by sleeping on the couch in the living room till I got over it, and well, that seemed mighty weird to Eamon.

It also lead to me sweating all over the couch, and that was a bigger issue.

Now that I am a far more awake and alive person than I was back then, that seems terribly irresponsible of me. But I did a lot of stuff back then that I am not proud of.

Depression is a very ugly illness.

At least now I know that it’s just a temporary association and that it will fade with time if I let it. That’s not the problem.

The problem is that I don’t remember what I did to make that stop happening. It sure as heck cab’t have been CPAP, because I haven’t used my CPAP in a year. Same old story, I’m afraid. I use it for a while and then stop using it and eventually, I stop even thinking about it.

Admittedly, I lasted longer this time than the last time. And when I quit, it was because I had woken up in the middle of the night unable to breathe at all and had to rip the mask off in order to get any air at all. That is pretty much the exact opposite of what the CPAP machine is supposed to do, plus it also activated my very deep fear of not being able to get enough air.

As a result, if I even look at the damn thing now, I can feel my throat closing up. So nope, no CPAP, not happening.

But what is not excusable is my total inaction on the problem since then. If the CPAP stopped working, I should have called my CPAP rep and talked it out with her. Or at the very least I should have told my doctor that CPAP wasn’t doing it for me and I wanted to explore other options.

Instead, I have left the problem untreated for a long ass time and I am getting worried about long term effects. I worry that I am losing lung capacity just like a friend of mine in the same situation did and that if I don’t do something soon, I will get so weak that I can’t do much of all.

Turns out oxygen is an important part of a healthy lifestyle.

So what am I going to do about it? Probably nothing. Now that I have left it for so long, it would be very very difficult for me to bring it up with my doctor. I would be too embarrassed. I know that’s juvenile, but it’s what I have to work with.

And that assumes I can even get to my GP with my busy school schedule.

But now that I have confessed to it, it will be at least a little easier for my to deal with it.

And um…. otherwise, today’s been great! I’ve written a bunch on my movie, with more to come later tonight. Right now I am on page 40, so I have completed 39 pages. That means I have 11 to go. I hope to add at least 5 later tonight, which would leave me with 6 to do tomorrow. Piece o’ cake. I should be able to finish early and then have some time to concentrate on all my other homework.

Writing the movie is awesome. It’s a lot of work, but it occupies so much of my mind that it’s like a vacation far away from the maddening monkey mind, always going a million directions at once and never settling down to actual fixate on something and see it through.

Kind of makes me wish I was the sort of person who inherently sought challenge. I have always been an easygoing kind of guy who kinda glides through life without a lot of effort. Just riding my lilypad down the river of life, taking in the scenery and doing the minimum required to maintain my flow.

I think I would have been a lot better off seeking challenges that would occupy my overflowing mental energies and push me to grow. I have gone through life thinking there was no such thing as a serious mental challenge for me because school sure as hell didn’t give it to me. Of course, I knew that there were tons of mental things I couldn’t do, but that’s different.

What I didn’t think existed was a serious challenge that lies within my particular skillset. That i what school taught me. There were only two categories : things I did easily, and things I couldn’t do at all.

But writing this script has shown me that it is possible for an activity to actually engage most of my mind. It’s a lot like how I felt when I was writing my novels, but stronger.

Who knows, maybe I can find something that can even fill that last five percent of my mindspace.

That would truly be an apotheosis for me.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.