Special…. because I love you.

The last little while has been stressful for me because I have had something social for every day of this week except Monday.

Tuesday night I hung out with La Gang as usual for a Tuesday. Fior the uninitiated, La Gang is me, my roommates Joe and Julian (who are a couple), and our friend, the always lovely, always charming Miss Felicity.

Isn’t she great folks? Let’s give her a big round of applause.

I love hanging out and watching things with my friends, but even this most agreeable form of social stimulus drains me somewhat.

That’s what it means to be an introvert, after all.

Wednesday was supposed to be the night Felicity and I would go visit our friend Garth and together we would further develop our project known as Paragon. It’s a show about the cheapest, lowest on the totem pole, most ridiculous paranormal investigation organization in the world that always ends up with the jobs too low paying, too low status. or just too damned stupid for any other agency.

It’s a comedy with dramatic elements. Like Buffy, only made by people Felicity can stand. (She is the opposite of a Whedonite. )

However, Garth bailed on us . That’s getting to be a thing with him. I am not going to put up with it much longer.  I can’t stand that kind of unreliability.

It’s simple, Garth. There is never going to be a time when a visit from us will not seem like work. Like effort. Your introverted side will always push you to cancel, or even pre-cancel, and you will always have to overcome that in order to be sociable and to be part of what goes on in the world. Being alone will always be easier than being with others. So stop pretending it has something to do with circumstances.

Every time I am to go out into the world – every SINGLE fucking time – I have a stab of fear and the strong urge to cancel. Every time, I have to overcome it. And even when I am out and having a good time, there is a part of me that can’t wait to get home and be alone and hide from the world.

But I don’t give in to that shit. Saying no to it is hard at first, but the more you do it, the easier it gets. There will always be a part of you that doesn’t want to be with others and it will do whatever it has to do to get its way.

It is the enemy. You must destroy it.

Anyhow, after Garth bailed on us, Felicity and I decided to just go find someplace to eat and hang out for a while. Which was great.

Thursday was therapy day, and we all know how that went. Then, I hung out with La Gang in the evening, and that took up some spoons. 

Normally, we hang out Friday night, but we moved it to Thursday because of the plans we had for tonight.

Tonight, Felicity had a comedy show to do at the Gallery Gachet in downtown Vancouver. It was a show for Stand Up For Mental Health, an organization that teaches standup comedy to people with mental health issues. She’s a graduate of the program and does shows for them now and then.

So tonight, Joe, Felicity, and I all piled into Joe’s vehicle (it’s Honda Fit, so it defies easy categorization) and drove downtown for the show.

It went well. Felicity was, as always, hilarious and magnetic. After the show we came home, and well, here I am.

As you can see, by my hermit-like standards, it’s been a whirlwind of social engagements. And it’s left me feeling a little dizzy,.

Tomorrow, I have the day off. No episode, no social obligations, just blogging and free time. I could use the break.

But that does not mean tomorrow will not be challenging, because tomorrow is the day that I will finally write that damned thing for Secret Informant. The season trailer script.

I am all out of excuses and I know that until I do it, I will not be free of this black cloud hanging over me. My life is going pretty okay apart from that.

So come hell or high water, I am writing that thing tomorrow, and when it is done, I will be free to enjoy my life again.

And that means I will keep on writing it and polishing it until it is awesome. It’s not going to be a very long script – 2 or 3 pages at the most – and so I will be able to go through as many times as needed to make it something that makes me happy all the way through.

That’s the sum of my editorial process (once I have one) : nothing in the thing that makes me sad.

I will write the thing and it will open the gates to my becoming a better writer.  Editing my own work has been my artistic bête noire for long enough. I am amazingly freaking talented and my work should reflect that.

And that is despite the fact that I know I can get away with doing less. Amazingly, my life still consists of getting away with a halfassed effort. I really thought that, at some point, I would be in a situation that demanded more of me by now.

And hopefully, I will still find it some day. But this ain’t it.

I am still waiting for the test I fail, I suppose. For something that I can only do by really stretching my abilities.

But I am beginning to suspect that it isn’t coming. Everything in my life has been either easy success or total failure. Most of those failures had to do with my poor operational memory. Few of them have been because I just could not do it.

Linguistics class is something I just could not do. I tried real hard, but the information was just coming too fast for this old brain of mine and too many concepts had logical gaps that everyone else seemed to know how to fill in but me.

But what is missing in my life is something I definitely can do, but only if I stretch.

Looks like I will have to do that for myself.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.