This trying to live life in a totally different way thing is hard. y’all.
I have been trying to just fucking relax about stuff. Relax about life, about my problems, about my medical issue…. everything.
I am taking a big chill pill and it’s not going down easily.
Partly that is becqause I find it very hard to escape the punitive mindset. My depression thinks it has been keeping me safe by putting up all those “here there be dragons” signs all over the place and then growling and shaking the scenery if I get too close. That;s not the kind of thing that is easy to change.
And one of the favorite hymns of the Church of You Suck is the one that goes “well, without me punishing you, you’d never accomplish anything! Sure, go soft on yourself, lie on the beach in the sun and forget all about all your problems. That will only make them worse and then I will be kicking your ass for being such a loser!”
And all to the tune of “I’ve Got A Lovely Bunch Of Coconuts”.
But of course, that particular hymn is utterly full of shit because I’m not accomplishing anything right now, under its direction. In fact. I am pretty sure that the only way I could accomplish less with my life is to lapse into a coma.
So really, the only way to go is up. Changing tactics cannot make things worse. It’s like a perfectly chaotic system. Any energy input can only increase order.
I use such nerdy metaphors. But they are the ones that come naturally to me and I am not going to lie my way into relatability.
I’m perfectly happy writing things that only nerds can understand. They are, after all, my people, and I love them.
Anyhow. The way I see it, worst case scenario, I continue to accomplish nothing with my life under the new regime. but I am substantially happier about it.
That’s a net gain however you slice it.
So I am trying to dream myself into a newer, healthier shape, and as astrologically incorrect as it is, the form that has arisen in my mind as part of that process is the form of a lion, or perhaps a big tiger like Shere Khan.
I imagine myself as vast, powerful, strong, and deadly… but also very lazy and self-indulgent and fond of a good stretch and purr in the sunshine.
The scene attached to this image in my mind is one where there are some troublemaking animals in my little jungle kingdom and, just when it seems like something bad is about to go down, a previously unnoticed long shadow lazily detaches itself from the shade of a tree, meanders over to the brewing fracas, blinking away sleep, and emerges into the sunlight, squinting a little as it adjusts to the sunshine.
It is clearly a massive male tiger whose body ripples with muscles underneath its striped fur. It walks with the languid ease of the truly confident, and as it moves, every animal around it moves aside as though pushed by an invisible tunnel-shaped force field.
It strolls unhurriedly up to this scene and. in a voice somewhere between Shere Khan and Jeremy Irons from Reversal of Fortune, says “Well hello there, gentlemen. You know, I was just having the strangest dream. I dreamt that some ruffians had come to my territory and began to harass my people. Isn’t that silly? Who on Earth would ever be that foolish? Hmm?”
As he says these things, he stretches and grooms himself in the manner familiar to all cat lovers, but at his size, it’s an utterly terrifying show of power in repose. especially when he sharpens his claws on a tree.
The villains, by this time, are scared shitless (possiblly literally. if I am in the mood for that kind of comedy) and manage to stammer out something about their total inability to imagine someone that stupid, or anything else for that matter.
The tiger smiles sunnily, and says “I’m glad you agree. Dreams can be very silly, sometimes, can’t they? Now if you don’t mind, I was quite enjoying my mid-day nap, and I would like to get back to it…
And then, with a soft but deadly edge to his voice, ” assuming there are no further interruptions. “Then, back to breezy and cheerful,. “But there won’t be. Will there?”
The villains nod like bobbleheads in an earthquake and get their fuzzy butts out of there like their tails were on fire.
The forest critters break into wild cheering, which the tiger acknowledges with a lazy wave of a paw as he slinks back to where he was napping before.
Just as the cheering is dying down, the tiger puts a claw to his lips and says “Shhh. ”
And the jungle goes quiet.
Wow. That’s a pretty good scene. I think it would be extremely satisfying in that particular way that only seeing your accepted alpha show that they are much stronger than any threat can be.
In our modern individualist society, to be safe, it’s best to express this via a parent-child relationship. Seeing a parent kick serious ass to protect their children is something that will make almost anybody stand up and cheer.
That’s why the final confrontation between the Xenomorph Queen and Power Armor Ripley at the end of Aliens is so damned good.
“Get away from her you BIIIIIIITCH!”, thanks to Sigourney Weaver’s incredible performance, embodies the battle cry of every mother of any species who has ever had her primal parental protective circuit activated.
“When’s the first time you knew, for certain, that you could kill a person if you had to?”
“…when I had my first child. ”
Exactly. I don’t remember what that is from, but it sums it up perfectly.
If I ever kill some motherfucker, it is far, far more likely that I do it in defense of someone I care about than anything to do with my own interests.
‘Cause deep down, I know I can go from fluffy friendly fox to full on mama bear defending her cubs in a heartbeat.
And you know, maybe it’s uncivilized of me, but….
…I am kind of proud that she’s there.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.