Feeling especially fucked up by sleep right now.
I keep almost drifting off then yanking myself back to consciousness.
Not good. Very stressful.
But worse is the dizziness. I have been lurching all over the place like I am on a ship in a storm. Even just sitting here peacefully, barely moving at all except for my fingers, I feel like the room is spinning.
And speaking of dizziness, yesterday I was between thoughts when my eyes happened to alight on my bottle of Rampriril and I finally noticed that there, in big letters, it said MAY CAUSE DIZZINESS.
Well that would explain a lot.
But not really. I don’t think my dizziness is the kind brought on by a blood pressure medication. I don’t feel faint, like the blood is rushing to or from my head. I don’t feel any sort of flutter and I don’t feel cold or flushed in the face.
Pretty sure it’s sinus related. My sinus cavities are full of fluid that sloshes around every time I move my head, and that’s throwing off my sense of balance.
But I could be wrong.
Whatever the cause, it sucks.
So does struggling to stay awake, although the Diet Coke I am drinking is helping with that, thank goodness.
I mean, I still wish I was asleep in my bed, and I am definitely not at my sharpest, but at least I am not drifting off any more.
I still want to, though.
Those little women
Been reading Little Women by Louisa May Allcott for the first time since I was a kid.
I read it two or three times when I was young. I really liked it back then. Reading it felt like a trip to a happier, better place where everyone was…
Actually, fuck that, The truth is that it was a trip to a happier, better family. A close-knit one where everybody cares deeply about each other and looks out for one another and there is an abundance of warmth and love and affection.
So unlike my own chilly and neglected life, where nobody gave a damn about me, there was nobody looking after me or even taking an interest in me, and I was completely abandoned by those who were supposed to care for me.
Sadly, the book does not hold up well when read at my ripe old age of 47. Oh, it still has all its charm and appeal, but I am now painfully aware of how artificial and formulaic it is, to the point where it almost feels patronizing.
Fuck.I’m drifting off again. More after the break.
Too many mods
I always know when I have installed too many mods in my Skyrim installation because that’s when things start to crash, behave strangely, or just plain disappear.
So despite having done one yesterday, I am thinking I am going to have to do a purge/reset of all the mods and then add back only the ones I can’t live without.
And that is very much a darling-murdering type of choice to have to make.
I mean, I can do it. Brutal prioritization is a skill I possess. I can assess my resources and cull that which is least valuable to me when called upon.
Doesn’t mean I enjoy it, though.
One weird thing was that when I got to this point in the main plot :
…but instead of the badass main villain Alduin landing and starting his Villain Speech, he just landed, then flew away, then landed again, and so on.
Which would have been comical had it not been a potentially game-ending error
Like imagine an actor is about to deliver a serious heavy duty Shakespeare speech but instead just keeps making their entrance, leaving, then making it again.
Luckily, there was a kludge. [1] A few console commands and I at least had the Dragonrend Shout (which forces dragons to land them) and could go on with the game.
But that turned out not to be a good thing because you immediately fight Alduin in the present and I just plain don’t have the raw power to do it.
Even with my follower Faallokaar and whatever I can summon, I could barely damage the big lizard. I might as well have been throwing pebbles.
So I loaded a game from before the whole scene, and now I am on a quest to acquire some serious fucking firepower.
Which means I need to find a place to buy me some high level spells. The standard set sold everywhere just won’t cut it in this fight.
I wonder if the nice folks at the College of Winterhold can hook me up.
Another sign that I have too many mods is that some are installed but just don’t work.
Including one I love called Blackthorn, which adds a little village that you can build and restore and rule over as your own little fief.
It takes time and gold, but I don’t care. I love that kind of thing. It gives me enormous satisfaction to make my little village grow until it is a thriving community.
The fact that it’s also insanely profitable in the long run doesn’t hurt either.
Sadly, my little village does not currently exist. The mod is installed but I went to the place where my village should be and there is nothing but forest and wolves there.
God damn it.
So that’s another reason to do another purge and reset.
Heck, maybe I can even get Inigo, my fluffy funny fuckbuddy follower, to work.
He’s a Khajjit follower who has over 7000 lines of dialogue, often quite on point for what is going on, and with a very charming and adorable personality.
Plus, he has the sexy Khajjit accent which makes him sound like his namesake, Inigo Montoya from the Princess Bride.
When he starts out, he is technically heterosexual. The first time I seduce him, he says something like “I didn’t know I was into this kind of thing”.
Trust me, darling…. you are.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.