Well it happened again.

Woke up at 10:30 am or so with a full bladder. Peed, looked at the time, sat down at the computer for a bit, contemplated playing some more Black Flag. Drank some lukewarm leftover Diet Coke.

Decided I was too sleepy for anything and went back to bed. It was 11:30 am or so.

Woke up and it was fricking 3:30 pm!

This is going go throw off my routine. Bigly.

Right now, I am, of course, eating my very late lunch.

I’ll be eating supper at around 8ish, Which is four hours from now. Usually, I aim for six at the minimum.

So, oops. And of course, I am still very sleepy, though at least I am getting some ability to resist it from still more Diet Coke, cold this time.

Dunno how long that will last, though. Was pretty pissed off that said effect ran out before I hit my 500 words and thus finished the first half of my blogging yesterday. Had no choice but to go back to fricking bed.

Et tu, Diet Coke?

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Do I intimidate people?

Well, yes and no.

From what people have told me, I know that basically radiate IQ. And I am fine with that. I have absolutely no interest in pretending to be dumber (or more normal) than I am, and the world is just going to have to deal with that.

I am one rare and powerful creature. Quake with fear, you tiny fools!

And were I as megalomaniacal as that statement makes me sound, filled arrogance and smug superiority, that might make me pretty intimidating, especially when amplified by my large statue and powerful personality.

But I’m actually a pretty sweet guy, soft and sensitive and self-effacing and silly. I am genuinely eager to please and want to get along with everyone.

And then my slovenly appearance sends yet another set of signals.

So the question of how, exactly, I come across is… complicated. My unshielded high IQ electrical field says one thing, my gentle giant persona another, the fact that I am actually kind of clueless and helpless another.

Honestly, I think that most of the time,. people just plain don’t know what to make of me. I am a rare bird indeed, and a mystery to even the most dedicated ornithologist.

And I know that is a social barrier. If people can’t figure you out, they might ignore you or disregard you or whatever.

But I think I know the solution, and that is to project myself more. That horrible awkward chasm that opens between me and normal people when I try to deal with them on a personal level can be filled with my charming personality and good vibrations.

At least in theory.

It’s worth a try, anyhow. Worst thing that can happen is that I end up making people uncomfortable or confused, and while I would rather that did not happen,it would be nice to have the other person be the confused one for a change.

Going back to the main question. I think it’s like I am a bear.

And no matter how friendly, silly, and cuddly a bear is, you can’t quite forget that he is a dangerous, powerful animal who could kill you in a heartbeat.

I won’t. But I could.

And that makes things awkward.

More after the break.

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I know nothing about myself

Not literally, of course. That would be scary.

But philosophically and psychologically, I hereby declare that I know absolutely nothing about myself. I could, in fact, be damned near anybody.

I hereby relinquish and repudiate all previous notions of who I am and what I am capable of and who I am meant to be.

By doing so, I free myself to be whoever it is I need to be at the time, with the long term goal of figuring out who I “really am”, on the inside.

In scientifically pretentious terms, I hereby wipe the slate of every single extrinsic motivation I have ever had, including the ones that were entirely my idea, and free up room for me to let my intrinsic self emerge and shine for all the world to see.

I further stipulate that even the notions I conceive about myself from this point on are as impermanent as words written in sand, and under no circumstances be allowed to interfere with the all important process of discovering my true self.

It could well be that I have to be a million different people before I find the one form that sticks. It might be that the real me is radically different than the person I am right now.

Hell, it’s possible that my final form would be unrecognizable to me as I am right now.

And I don’t care. Throw it all to the wind. I have nothing in me right now that is so precious that I would let it restrict my personal growth.

I am finally letting the instincts that lead others to explore themselves when they are young wake up and have their say, and to be honest, it feels pretty good.

I wonder what other instincts lay dormant within me, just waiting to be dug out of the icy grip of depression and turned on.

Not my libido. It’s sluggish but alive. I get horny. I want sex. I crave sex.

My personal barriers prevent that from happening right now. but all is in flux and therefore that may change in the future.

The ties that bind me are of my own devising, and therefore are mine to discard when they no longer suit my purposes.

They will disappear when I no longer need them, like all the rest. They never truly bound me, they only gave me an excuse to stymie my own growth.

Well fuck that. I’m gonna grow like kudzu that fucked some bamboo and a baby whale, and I will no longer be bound by any smaller notion of who I am.

Every day, I will dream myself anew.
Every day is a door I will go through
Every day, I will free what I’ve deprived
Every day, I will keep myself alive.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.