This morning was rough.
Had a period between 3 am and 8 am where I was peeing and/or pooping every 15 minutes or so.
And that was pretty freaking irritating.
Made sleep impossible, obviously. At least when it takes as long to get to sleep as it always has me.
Too tired to structure that sentence any better.
At the worst point, it felt like some kind of juvenile curse. Slave to the bathroom. All that changed was where I was reading : in bed waiting for the next “mission” or in the bathroom “on mission”, so to speak.
Warning, more poop talk upcoming.
Was doing that “quantized” pooping too. Only able to get a fixed amount out at a time, instead of being able to empty my bowels like normal.
Learned a little more about that : apparently, these solidified hard stools are a result of something slowing the lower GI tract down enough that the intestines absorb all the moisture from the waste and you get something like concrete in your guts.
So yay that.
I tried stopping the pee train by ceasing all fluid intake, but after abstaining for two and a half hours I was peeing just as often and was very thirsty, so I gave in and got myself the usual glass of water.
Apparently, my frequent hydration is more habit-forming than I thought.
Things seem to have settled back down to once an hour or so now that I finally managed to empty my bowels. My theory is that my blocked bowels were displacing even more of my precious bladder space.
And I have managed to get a couple cumulative hours of sleep since then.
It’s rough being me.
Better get to work on that whole sanity thing so I can heal myself before I die.
The local effects of global warming
Speaking of my sanity, I feel like that glacier sitting on my heart is smaller and more manageable than ever before.
Perhaps spring time is coming to my frozen realm after all.
The image of myself coughing up dirty snow keeps popping into my mind. Or throwing up soiled ice crystals.
Quite gross, I admit, but still an apt image for what I am going through right now. An image I find oddly amusing. Even comforting.
I suppose a wise animal knows that as horrifying and disgusting and painful as it can be to vomit, this is what will lead to it feeling better.
I am quite eager to achieve a thoroughly purged state. Maybe then I can finally be reborn unto a new and healthy life.
Healthy. What a concept.
It really is a race against time now. Can I get sane enough to take care of myself properly before my self-neglect straight up kills me, or worse, cripples me to the point where I can’t even live my current crappy life any more?
I don’t want to end up full of tubes and strapped to a bed.
And they would have to strap me to the bed to keep me from pulling the tubes out in my totally freaked out panicked state.
Just sedate me till they can come out, please.
More after the break.
I am a cripple
Got another harsh lesson in my new reality tonight.
Went to do my Sunday shopping. Bzzzt! Sav-on closed early because it’s Easter Sunday. No can do, sucker!
This weekend is threatening to turn me into some sort of Easter Scrooge.
Hah bunny hug!
So we waited for a bit then did the McD’s in the Ironwood parking lot thang with Felicity. I knew there would be a conflict between our usual sit n’ chat and my 45 minute bladder alarm cycle, but I figured I would just go next door to the gas station and use their convenience store’s bathroom no problem.
And it’s true I had no problem going next door and using their facilities. I even did my usual 7-11 shopping while I was there. Smooth.
But getting back…. ah, getting back.
Problem. Very much problem.
Ya see, to get back to the car I had to go up the three concrete steps I had come down on the way to the bathroom et al.
Down had been a little tricky.
Up turned out to be damned near impossible.
Because my knees simply will not hold under strain any more. Trying to walk with any extra strain feels like I am trying to balance on toothpicks now. I could not go up those handrail lacking stairs the normal way at all.
I had to kind of swing one leg then the other onto each step, which felt extremely dangerous and risky and was very very scary.
But I made it up and back to the car.
45 mins later, I had to go again. So much for the hope that I would be able to last until we got home. Nope, it was now or…. well, now in a bad way.
And again, getting there went fine, although this time I just baaaarely made it. But then it was time to get back up the hill again.
Well, if the stairs were the problem I would just bypass them by walking on the dirt next to the stairs. Why that’s genius, Holmes!
Um, nope. That’s not dirt, it’s mud, and I skidded right the fuck out and ended up almost landing on my knee (!!) but instead was sitting on the top concrete step.
And now I had no way to get up. Not with my weak knees. I was stuck.
Luckily, Joe and Julian had seen my fall and came to my rescue. And between me and Joe we managed to get me up on my feet.
But clearly I just plain can’t walk around any more except where it is totally flat. Luckily, I live in Richmond, and it’s mostly flat, but still.
I clearly need a prosthesis. A cane, crutches, a wheelchair, one of those goddamn scooters, a team of burly dudes carrying me on a litter, something like that.
And that means I am officially crippled. I can’t make it around on my own. I need help just to go a block to my pharmacy.
I see being confined to a bed in my future, and I don’t like it. Hopefully the specter of ending up in a bed full of tubes will be enough to motivate me to take better care of myself and maybe save my own life.
Surely it is not an Impossible Task.
Surely somehow I can save myself from myself.
Surely I am not doomed to die a stupid, painful, humiliating death before I even have a chance to get a life.
Surely life will grant me that one small mercy. I’ve been ever so good.
Well, I haven’t been that bad, any way.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.