Been catching up on sleep. Ergo, I feel terrible right now.
The usual bullshit. Dizzy, disoriented, sore, and so on. And feeling very very lost.
So what else is new? I’m always lost. It’s a persistent state. I haven’t truly known what I am doing or where it’s at in a long long time.
Anyhow, the important thing to remember right now is that no matter how bad I feel, I am still the same shining amazing wonderful person I am when I feel well.
Feeling wretched is a transient state that in no way reflects anything about myself. I am awesome. I feel sick.
I’m an awesome person who happens to feel sick right now. It happens.
So take that, stupid mirror inside my soul that always reflects my surroundings. I know you are there to help me blend in and not be noticed like a chameleon, but you need to learn to quit doing that when it’s counterproductive.
I need to just be in the world. Exposed. No camouflage. It’s entirely safe now. The bullies are long gone. Nobody is out to “get” me. I can stop hiding and come out to play with the other kids now.
Repeat until believed.
And while I am reinforcing old affirmations, there is still nothing I am supposed to be doing. Nada. All I have to do is do my best to get better. That’s it.
There are things I would rather be doing. There are things I long to do. There are things my soul cries out to do.
And not being able to do these things due to my depression is painful and frustrating and makes me want to scream sometimes.
But that doesn’t mean I am a bad person for not doing them. Or that they represent some unknowable but vitally important incomplete task.
I am safe.
I am fine.
I am free to do as I please.
And right now, that means going back to bed.
Wretched Part 2
Feeling somewhat better after another bunch of sleep. Still pretty tired but no longer feeling quite as afflicted. Hopefully if I sleep a bit more, I will catch up in time to go out for my usual Sunday shopping and McD’s with Le Gang.
Right now, I would say the odds of my making it are around 5 to 3 against. I feel pretty tired and weak and sick and don’t have the wherewithal to pull myself together and get a shower and get dressed then go out.
But I steadily improve. Hopefully a bit more sleep will do the trick.
I have discovered a new and highly effective sleeping pill : Tylenol. Two Tylenol before laying down and I am way more likely to get some real sleep.
My theory is that it’s the relief from all my little aches and pains and general soreness that is the key.
Whatever the cause, it’s nice to have a sleep aid that is this cheap and safe.
The only downside is that I am ripping through my Tylenol supplies rather quickly. Oh well, like I said, it’s cheap.
Down I go again.
More after the break.
After the disaster
I think I am either done with or almost done with this killer sleep cycle.
As I have said before, I have developed a sense of these things. There is a certain tension of the mind that slowly slackens as I get caught up on sleep, and it is almost totally slack now.
Still, there’s no guarantees. There have been times I thought I was done, but then it was like my brain discovered a brand new deposit of sleepiness and started digging.
Whatever. I have nothing on till Tuesday morning. I can sleep all I like. Nothing will be lost if I play less video games than I could have.
Repeat until believed. And then some.
I have been fanatically and compulsively maximizing my time playing video game with enormous zeal ever since I fell down the Skyrim hole.
And it’s not hard to see why. When I am playing a video game and listening to a video, I am not merely occupied. I am in the Zone. My mind is fully occupied and that creates a subtle but profound kind of joy in me.
It’s not something that has happened a lot in my life. I’ve always had way more consciousness than I knew what to do with.
I was the smartass kid that looked like he was not paying attention in class but then repeated everything the teacher said back to them when quizzed, after all.
How freaking obnoxious. No wonder nobody liked me.
I swear, I was not trying to be a dick. Apparently it just comes naturally to me.
Anyhow, I think in the past pre-internet days, good TV shows came close to keeping my mind fully occupied. Ditto for reading and video games, natch.
But nothing compares to the fullness of video games plus YouTube. It is no wonder that I am so hardcore addicted to it because when I am in that Zone, I am almost happy.
Imagine, me happy. What a concept.
So no wonder I want to maximize my time in that state. Wouldn’t you?
But it’s an addiction and it is taking my life from me. It has already robbed me of all my potential to get ahead in life by keeping me serving the addiction rather than pursuing my own long time self interest.
Depression makes thinking about the long term at all by keeping you in a state of constant dopamine starvation.
Starving animals do not think about tomorrow. They stay focused on whatever sources of dopamine they can find and fixate hard on those, leaving precious little mental potential left over for even thinking about tomorrow, let alone five years from now.
I have my dreams. I know where I want to go in life. I know there are many arenas where all my natural talents could shine like a newborn star. I know there are jobs out there which I could rock like a bitch.
But without that dopamine, I can’t get there.
So I just bury my head in the sand to shut out the horizon instead.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.