Feeling exceptionally disinclined to toil at the moment. The sun is shining, the sky is blue, and my brain is in hardcore Summer Mode, meaning I am not in the mood to sit here and type at all.

But I do it anyway, because I love you.

You know what I really want to do right now? Go to a beach party. A pretty swinging beach part, seeing as i would be looking to get laid.

And while I would not entirely rule out hooking up with a chick, she would have to be pretty damned cute.

Let’s see now. What to talk about.

Well, today was Therapy Thursday. Had a fairly low-stakes, chatty session, which suited my mood I suppose.

Summer Mode and deep emotional issues are not particularly compatible.

I mentioned my annoyance with my bed situation and how i didn’t need a king sized bed when i was, at best, a queen sized person. I can only sleep on one half of the thing, after all. I would much rather have the space the other half takes up back.

I could put some gym equipment in that space. Like a weight bench. And an exercise bike of some sort.

Being able to unwind with a virtual bike ride sounds pretty good, now that I am ready to accept that a lack of effort is the real enemy in my life.

I’ve known that for decades, but believing it is still a work in progress.

That led to me telling him about these online companies like Casper (sp?) that claim to be able to sell you the most comfortable bed ever for some suspiciously reasonable price, and a money back guarantee.

He’s as mistrustful of those offers as I am.

That led to my pondering giving these people my money.

Talk about a suspiciously reasonable price. $90 for an air conditioner that not only cools a single room, it also humidifies the air and filters it at the same time.

Sounds good, doesn’t it? Too good.

But I might give them a spin anyhow. After all, it might actually be as good as they say, and that would be pretty freaking awesome.

And I seriously need protection from the summer heat. It’s gone beyond a comfort issue and is now a health issue. Surviving the heat of summer afternoons is pretty hard on my health and I can’t afford to put myself through that kind of strain on a daily basis.

Not with how fragile I have become.

So what the hell. I will thoroughly examine their return policy, and warranty at least. See what my recourse is if the thing turns out to be a dud.

Either way, I am looking to spend some of my savings on my own happiness and comfort, and that’s a much more proactive stance than I have taken in a long time.

And that’s a very good sign. Means I am perking up and taking interest in the world instead of just slumping in the back of my cage with my face against the wall.

That’s always a good sign in any sick animal.

More after the break.

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The Approachability Paradox

Time to gnaw on this old bone for a spell.

To recap : I think of myself as a friendly, lovable, approachable guy. I am always quite reasonable and willing to help anyone who asks. I love to make people happy and to be helpful and useful. Honestly. I’m just a big ol’ teddy bear.

So I must be the most approachable and easy to get along with fella. Right?

Yyyes… kind of. But also no. Mostly no.

A lot of the time, people just don’t want to deal with me. They actively avoid it. They find being around me stressful, draining, even kind of scary. And intense. Not in a dark, brooding sense. More like in a high density electrical field kind of way.

Sometimes you don’t want to electrified by someone’s presence.

So the question is, why is it hard to be around me?

Well, for one, there is my sheer size. I am 6’1″ and 280 pounds. A bear of a guy. And like I have said before in this column, that magnifies everything I do.

A gentle giant is, after all, still a giant.

That leads directly into the fact that I have a naturally large personality. If I was to abandon all restraint and just beam my enormous personality out into the universe at full intensity all the time, I would go straight through being obnoxious and all the way into being practically intolerable.

I would be too loud on every level.

That’s just the easy, superficial stuff though. Let’s dig a little deeper.

Because the truth is, I have a lot of darkness and anger and pain and fear lurking just below the sunshiny surface of my big personality. Some people can sense this, and it makes them very nervous because they can sense the danger but can’t see it.

And that connects directly with the fact that despite my charisma and charm and sweet natured goodwill, I am still very socially awkward, and that makes being around me rather dangerous and unpredictable.

I’m like a big friendly dog who is very sweet and lovable but clumsy and thoughtless and impulsive as well, so you never know when I will be charming the pants off you and when I will be stepping on your feet or accidentally bowling you over or wreaking havoc on your bric-a-brac and knickknacks with my big waggy tail.

And you might want to get mad at me for these crimes, but then you look into my big sweet innocent doggy eyes and you can’t possibly get mad at that face.

What else can you do to protect yourself than to simply avoid me? I put people in one hell of an awkward position just by being me sometimes.

Common modern wisdom would say that the solution to this problem is to just be who I am as hard as I please and let the chips fall where they may.

And I don’t doubt the wisdom of that.

But I don’t see me doing it any time soon either.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.