Sung to the tune of the titular part of this :

Time to hash this out : why I am so anxious about my angiogram tomorrow?

Because I’ve been getting increasingly freaked out over it, and the more I think about that, the less sense it makes.

I mean, yeah, it sucks that I have to be sort of awake for it. I would much rather do it under general anesthetic. Just knock me the fuck out already. Wake me when it’s over.

But seeing as last month, I had my eyeball cut open and parts of it scooped out – TWICE – while fully awake, it’s really not that big of a deal in comparison.

At least this time, I will (hopefully) have sedation. For my eyeball scoopage, all I had (besides local anesthetic) was an Ativan.

Which helped a lot. But being half zonked out sounds even better.

What I am hoping is that it will be like that one time I had an endoscopy (camera down the throat – not my first choice) under the influence of a liquid Valium IV drip.

You most definitely can’t endoscope someone when they are asleep because then all their muscles relax and make pushing the camera through ten times harder.

So the patient needs to be awake and sitting up, thus making their esophagus one nice vertical tube down into the stomach.

But I had already had one endoscopy with no chemical help and it was extremely unpleasant. So the gastroenterologist (spelled it right the first time – score!) compromised by putting me on that sweet Valium ride.

So technically, I was awake for the entire thing.

But I don’t remember it at all. Prince Valium pressed pause on my brain and I just stopped recording memories at all.

So it’s like a reverse Total Recall. Because I don’t remember it, it’s like it didn’t happen.

As a bonus, when I woke up in the recovery room, I was flyin’, baby. Woo dog did I feel good. There was no tension or fear in me anywhere. I felt like Sinatra on a roll in Vegas. Confident, relaxed, and ready to take on the world because I knew, without a doubt, that I could do anything.

No wonder so many people got addicted to Valium. That shit’s amazing.

So hopefully it will be something like that. Granted, being zonked out on sedation isn’t as good as being totally out, but if it keeps me from remembering the procedure, it is definitely the next best thing.

So while the whole thing still seems a bit scary to me, I think I have talked myself down from my tree. It is honestly not going to be a big deal. Nothing to freak out over.

I still don’t want to have to get up that fucking early but whatever.

And the best thing is, by this time tomorrow it will all be over and behind me and there is nothing else nearly as scary in my future yet.

A heart ultrasound. Big freaking deal. Bring it.

More after the break.

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I don’t hate broccoli

Or brussels spouts, or spinach, or whatever else normal people grow up hating because their parents forced them to eat it when they were toddlers.

Patient readers know that I never had to go through that. My mother was a 70’s health nut who followed the teachings of a health guru named Adele Something.

I used to think it was Adele Stevens, but that’s Adlai Stevens’ wife. It might be Adele Davis, who was a nutrition guru, but I can’t confirm whether the following doctrine was part of her teachings or not.

Because I’m lazy and hate researching stuff.

Anyhow, her philosophy, whoever she was, said to never, ever force kids to eat anything. Doing so just makes them hate that food and possibly health eating in general for the rest of their lives, leading to bad eating habits.

Instead, you have plenty of healthy snacks available and leave the kids to figure out what they like on their own. That way. they don’t develop any categorical food prejudices and grow up to like healthy food and not like the bad stuff.

Yeah, about that last part.

The bad stuff still tastes amazing. It’s designed to do so. So while I retain a mild preference for more natural, organic foods, I didn’t exactly grow up immune to the appeal of a bag of Cheesies or a Coffee Crisp.

Still, the first part worked. I don’t hate vegetables, or any other kind of food, at least, not in the stereotypical way.

There’s foods I hate because I’ve tried them and went ick.

Olives come to mind.

But I like chocolate chip cookies. And I like carrots. I like Toblerone. And I like tomato sauce. I love York Peppermint Patties. And I love cucumber.

And honestly, I feel bad for people who were raised the old fashioned way because vegetables are delicious and I can’t imagine having that whole category of food eliminated from my diet because of some bullshit that went down when I was still eating in a high chair, for fuck’s sake.

As far as I am concerned, the key to healthy eating is the realization that, while the unhealthy manufactured carb laden stuff might taste a little better, the healthy stuff tastes almost as good and is also good for you.

So it’s really a no-brainer. You sacrifice a little taste and get a lot of nutrition, which will lead to feeling a whole lot better all the time.

That’s a pretty hefty net gain, don’t you think?

And you can still have the bad stuff sometimes. ^[1]

Just eat the good stuff first.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.