Did the hospital thang.

IV went as usual. I’ve become very used to it. I can completely ignore it and concentrate on my reading or just a productive round of spacing out.

Don’t laugh. It lets me get caught up on my thinking.

Also had a dressing change, both for the one on my leg and the one on my (sigh) head.

In retrospect, what did I expect nurses to do when they saw that weird wound thing on my head that looks like someone put their coffee cup there right after fishing it out of a pool of blood?

So I got a dry dressing there now. I don’t think it’s doing a thing to help the damned thing heal but at least people don’t have to see my Ring of Blood any more.

But it does look like I got a doily on my head.

The main event today was a consult with Doctor Vortel. He says he doesn’t think I will need to be doing the daily IV antibiotic thing after one more week.

That’s cool. To be honest, I’ve been enjoying it. Having something to do every day has been great, especially because when I am there, nice ladies take care of me.

I am such an infant. Sigh. What the heck happened when I was a baby? I clearly have some very very basic unmet needs.

For mothering, more or less.

The big news is that when I told Doctor Vortel about the discolored area around my latest wound, he told me I suffered from something called stasis dermatitis.

Sadly, this does not mean my skin exists outside of the time stream.

Trust me, I checked.

Instead, it’s a condition caused by insufficient circulation in the affected area, in my case my legs. It has the following symptoms :

• Skin that appears thin, brown and tissue-like, with possible skin lesions (macule or patches), red spots, superficial skin irritation and/or darkening and/or thickening of the skin at the ankles or legs
• Weak skin may ulcerate in some areas and legs, ankles, or other areas may become swollen
• Open sores, ulcers
• Itching and/or leg pains

I got all of the above. At least I know where the lesions on my left leg came from. The skin on my legs is only sorta alive.

This is a non-surprise. I more or less expected this. I didn’t have a name for it but I knew there had to be a connection between my leg issues and my diabetes fucking with my blood flow as well as my sitting in front of this computer all day.

It is not healthy to sit this much, with my weight bearing down on the bottoms of my legs. I really need to move more.

And Doctor Costin thinks it is safe for me to lightly exercise even with my heart issues. So I don’t have that excuse any more.

Plus, and this should be enough reason on its own, exercise releases stress and helps me calm way the fuck down.

And that feels good. Very good.

And what more reason does anyone need to do something?

More after the break.

---

Life support system for a brain

This topic has been trying to land for a while now.

Time to finally give it clearance so it can stop circling the tower.

Man do I love my metaphors.

Anyhow, in my continuing effort to somehow integrate my awesomeness into my self-worth as well as my sense of self as a whole, I have recently taken the first tentative steps into making my outrageous abilities central to my self-conception.

So yeah. Finally developing that huge ego everyone was so worried I would get when I was a kid. So worried they completely destroyed my self-worth as a precaution.

Thanks for that.

But the thing is, I really am amazing. Like, objectively. My first drafts are better than most of humanity’s final versions. I write hilarious stuff, as verified by the praise an laughter of people who don’t even know me. I have a top tier mind that demolishes college level coursework and testing with contemptuous ease. I have understanding and wisdom beyond the understanding of the wisest of the ancients. I am a workhorse who loves being busy and who can do enormous amounts of work without breaking a sweat. I have a natural flair for organization and inherent leadership skills.

All that and I am cute, too. And charming, and lovable, and charismatic.

When I look at it like that (something I should do more often), I can only conclude that I am one extraordinary human being and all my self-doubt about also being kind of clueless, rather clumsy, and bad at ordinary tasks melts away.

Sure I need help to get by. So did a lot of geniuses. We genii tend to be fragile hothouse flowers because in order to have brains this big, our entire being has to specialize along those lines and it leaves little potential left for being rugged survivalists.

And that’s where I am in this journey to self-worth and confidence – I am finally starting to realize that my flaws are trivial compared to my strengths and that my future can be very bright indeed if I can only get myself to someplace where I might attract the attention of people who can help me, like an audience, or a sponsor.

Or a pack of exceptionally tech savvy hyenas. I don’t discriminate.

That’s where an attitude of smug self-assurance will come in handy – as the antidote to crippling self-doubt and social fear.

It’s perfectly safe for me to go to this job interview or apply for this position or try to get funding for my thing.

Why? Because I’m awesome. So of course I will succeed.

And maybe that attitude will ensure that reality smacks me down hard. I am more than fine with that. I’ve wanted a challenge my whole life.

But maybe it won’t. And even if it does, I might have a lot of fun and make a lot of money before it does.

Seems like a win-win to me.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.