And nothing to do.
Today is the first day in almost three weeks where I don’t have anywhere to go. No trip to the hospital for IV antibiotics, no other medical appointment, no nothing.
And that’s got me pretty depressed.
Because now I am back to my pointless god damn existence. Just filling up the hours with distraction and mindless mental simulation while the hours and days and years and all the minutes of my entire life pass me by and I just wait to die.
Not that I want to die, exactly. I mostly want to live. I want to keep on experiencing life, thinking about things, growing, learned, getting wiser and stronger and happier.
Not that I am doing much to bring that about. Squatting in my grotto hiding from the world by playing video games and writing does not do much to stimulate growth.
But it stimulates a heck a lot more growth than death does.
I get so tired, though. Tired of coping, tired of dealing with things, tired of life. Tired of struggling though every fucking moment. Tired of dragging this heavy weight around everywhere. Tired of being crushed by it. Tired of living life with the parking brake on.
Tired of not being able to do simple, basic things. Tired of feeling humiliated by said inability. Tired of being feeble and helpless and clueless and confused. Tired of feeling lost and abandoned and alone.
Tired of being so god damned pathetic.
Tired of completely failing to be an adult. Tired of feeling so much deep and brutalizing shame about it. Tired of feeling like I don’t even deserve to be around people because all I do is disgust them and fill them with gut-wrenching pity and contempt.
Tired of wanting so bad to be a part of things but knowing I never can be. Tired of being on the outside looking in at the bright and shiny wholesome world full of being much stronger than I will ever be living vital, connected, freely flowing lives instead of squatting in the darkness like I do,
They have no idea how good they have it.
Then again, neither do I.
Tired of being alone and isolated and frozen and disconnected and detached from it all. Tired of feeling overwhelmed by life and wanting to just crawl off somewhere and hide from everything forever. Tired of feeling weak and scared and small.
Tired of dying. Tired of getting sick a million ways at once. Tired of being the dumb frog who only just now, when it it possibly too late, had his problems penetrate his very thick sensory threshold and who therefore only now realizes the water he’s in is boiling hot.
Tired of having terrible future prospects. Tired of feeling like I fucked myself over via apathy and inaction. Tired of seeing nothing but pain and fear and doom coming for me like an incoming tide – and having just as much chance of stopping it.
Tired of living a flawed and futile life in a doomed and dying world.
But mostly just plain tired.
I don’t want to die.
I just want to rest – truly rest – for a while.
And that means subduing my tormented and tumultuous mind for a while.
And I don’t know how else to do that.
More after the break.
More YouTube overflow
The following is a reply to Story 3 (wimpy kid) from the following
Wow, that one hits home.
Here’s my reply.
Story 3 : Look kid. I was a whiny, wimpy, bookish, nerdy kids myself once. I am totally with you on that. I would rather read than doo outdoorsy bullshit too. Know that we are brothers in this. But let me clue you in on something. “Mommy, make them play with me!” is about the worst thing you can say/do. It instantly shows that you are a whiny spoiled baby worthy of almost infinite contempt. If you don’t believe me, imagine the situation is reversed. Imagine you have a group of nerdy friends, and someone drops an eight your old into your group. And he hates everything you do,. He thinks books are stupid. He hates science fiction. And he whines to his mommy in order to get her to force you to do the active, rough and tumble, outdoor stuff HE likes even though he absolutely refuses to do anything you like. Now, how do you feel about that kid? Because that’s how OP’s group feels about you. Get it? A big part of growing up is learning that other people aren’t like you and that’s fine. The key word is diversity. If you want your own diversity tolerated, you have to tolerate it in others. So accept that they are different from you and there’s nothing wrong with that. And let them do what they like to do, just like they let you do your thing too. And nobody but your mother owes you love and friendship, get. With everyone else, you actually have to earn it. Take some free advice worth double the price, kid. Get over yourself NOW. It only gets harder with age.
And a big part of getting over yourself is realizing that the world is not about or for you, and that you aren’t any more the center of other people’s worlds than they are the center of yours, and that to the world you are just another person like all the rest.
And there is nothing wrong with that. You haven’t been singled out by the universe for deprivation, denial, or punishment.
You are being treated exactly like everyone else. And if that feels like punishment to you, all I can say is that you have a lot of growing up to do.
Better get it over with ASAP.
And yeah, it will hurt, but it is totally worth it. Once you get over yourself, the world is a much happier, friendlier, and above all more understandable place.
Once you abandon the ego-bound narcissistic pose where anyone who causes a negative emotional response is the epitome of evil and you are just a poor helpless victim of a cruel and malicious world, you will find yourself in much friendlier territory because you know grasp the place your own actions play in your suffering and that means now you can change for the better.
The truth really will set you free. Shed your old baby clothes like a snake shedding its skin (and for the same reason) and put on your big boy/girl pants and grow the heck up.
I swear to God it is totally worth it.
I am so glad I eventually got to see how unpleasant it was for my “friends” to be around me when I was a teen. I was a total drag.
It doesn’t excuse how they abused me. But it sure as fuck explains it.
Turns out I needed to go to college before I found a bunch of wimpy nerdy friends with whom I was actually compatible.
I still miss those guys.
But hey, I got my new nerd family of Joe, Julian, and Felicity!
I love you guys so much!
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.