My glasses finally arrived today! Yay!

But my eyes have been glasses free for ten months, so there is definitely going to be an adjustment phase where my eyes get used to being able to focus again. Boo!

So it’s a little hard to focus on text well enough to read it right now. Not impossible, thank goodness, or the only way I could write this blog entry would be by faith alone.

Or maybe The Force.

Hopefully, this will clear up once my eyes get used to focusing actually being an option again and I will once again be able to see, period.

Everything else besides text is SO MUCH CLEARER now.

Feels good to be a four eyed geek again too.

I’m not saying you’re not a nerd WITHOUT glasses, but they are the badge of my people. I felt naked without them!

And not in a fun way, either.

Like I said before, I went ten months without glasses because it took me way too long to put together that :

1. I have the prescription for a new set of glasses
2. You can buy glasses online now as long as you have your prescription
3. I have money

I got there eventually. It’s all water under the bridge now.

Hopefully^[1],, my eyes will adjust just fine. I think they will because the letters keep going in and out of focus like someone is messing with the autofocus dial on my brain’s camcorder, and that indicates it’s a focusing problem, not a lens problem.

Phew! I’d hate to think my optometrist got my prescription wrong. Or that someone went wrong in the glasses factory.

Unrelatedly, gave the orange creme flavoured variety of my fave sugar free wafer cookies to see if I liked them any better now, and nope.

The orange flavour is still way too fucking strong. And I usually like both strong flavours and the citrus group of flavours, so this is a rare and strange thing.

This was the last in a triptych of experiments to see if I liked flavours I had “gone off”.

The first was strawberry. Success! They are yummy to me again. For a long time they were too sweet for me. Lesson learned : pace myself. Never buy them two weeks in a row. Minimize risk of overload.

Then came chocolate. Mild success. They still are very boring. They’re the worst kind of chocolate – that flat cocoa-y kind with zero creaminess to it. Ugh.

But it wasn’t as bad as I remembered. And it’s possible that combined with something else, they could be good.

Not peanut butter, though. Tried that. Just made the peanut butter taste bitter. Gack.

But the orange is a total fail. It’s still super gross.

“Orange Creme” my ass. There’s nothing “creme-y” about them. I was hoping for something like a Creamsicle, not this bargain basement Tang tasting crap.

More after the break.

---

Post Thursday Roundup

Today was Therapy Thursday.

It’s funny how I have been doing an hour a week with Doctor Costin for almost a decade now (sigh) and most of the week I wish I could talk to him all the time but about three hours before my appointment I start dreading it and wishing it was over already and hoping he’s late so there will be less of it I have to “go through”.

Then when it ends, I wish it hadn’t.

I am a complicated critter.

Anyhow, we started off with the subject I wanted to tackle, which is the fact that part of me wants to die and is trying to kill me.

The sick part of my mind not only wants to “escape” life (death is the ultimate escape), it also hates me with a brutality and totality that puts rabid Nazis to shame.

For other than the obvious reasons.

It’s a dark, stark feeling to face your own very literally self-destructive tendencies. To realize that there is a mortal enemy in your head and it’s you.

Part of me, anyhow.

And I can’t just kick it out. It’s like a midbrain tumour. You would do so much damage getting to it that the patient would die before you got even halfway there.

So brute force is the wrong tool for the job. We have to use finesse. Technique. Analysis. Planning. Smarts.

I’m only good at some of that.

So let’s examine this deadly device. It’s powered by my annihilation level self-loathing and that is, in turn, powered by internalized anger.

Which powers itself in a terrible way. Because where does rage come from? Pain.

What does internalized rage make me do? Hurt myself.

Anyhow, as patient readers know, anger is one of my biggest issues, if not THE biggest, and I struggle with the issue of how to release it without hurting anyone quite often.

Maybe I just need to channel it into sex. That seems a lot more fun than rage and way more likely to help me make new friends too..

Oh right, I’m a social cripple. Dang.

And it’s not like I can just climb a mountain and open my chest at the top and let all this radioactive rancor radiate harmlessly into space.

Our emotions are not that simple. Anger needs a target, even if that target is just an idea or memory or imaginary enemy.

And the clock is ticking. I get unhealthier by the day and that trend will not change until I can somehow neutralize the saboteur within.

Which means I have to let that anger out. But I can’t live with myself iif I victimize someone in order to do it.

My father took his anger out on us, his family.

I would rather die than do that to someone else.

There has to be some solution to this apparent paradox. Some way to let out the anger and the rest of my stifled passions without hurting anybody.

Any way to turn them into energy and ambition?

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.