It occurred to me earlier today that I never really “got” duty.
Not, obviously, that I don’t understand the concept. It’s more than I have never got why it was considered a thing.
See, I am a man of principle. And that means that to me, you do things because they are the right thing to do. The idea that you do something because it is your duty is a morally neutral idea to me.
Doing it because it’s your job or your responsibility or because you care makes sense to me. As does doing it out of enlightened self-interest, or even just for the hell of it.
But duty? What the heck is that, exactly?
I know that, at least in America, it is often tied closely to loyalty. And I know that due to my socially isolated childhood, I don’t really “get” loyalty either.
To me, loyalty is not really its own thing either. If I am “loyal” to someone it is because I like them and feel close to them and want to protect and cherish them.
Not because I feel loyal to them outside of that.
As for institutions, forget about it. I don’t trust any of them. Not religion, not the government, not charities, and definitely not the forces of capitalism.
It could be argued that, as a whole, Generation X is post-institutional. We have grown up largely without faith in anything beyond what we can see and judge about these conglomerations of interests.
Ironically, that means we have no choice but to put some trust in every one of them. When you don’t believe in any of them, you are left with a world made up of people, not collectives, and you can rely on them to behave in a thoroughly human way,
Not as demons or angels or mindless jackbooted thugs. Just people.
And like the great Will Rogers said, for the most part, people is just folks.
Anyhow, back to duty and loyalty and all sorts of other social emotions that I don’t get and it is entirely possible that I don’t even feel.
Which is a depressing thought, but one I have to face.
I am a very broken man.
I know that other people feel these things, along with other stuff I can’t relate to, like fear and/or respect for authority, a desire for social dominance, and hero worship.
And I don’t fault them for that. I’m the defective one, not them. I am the radical outlier who somehow did not get the full set of social emotions and who has therefore always been the weirdo that lives on the fringe of society.
I’m a sweet guy. But I got weird vibes and I can alienate people who are not on the same kind of mental wavelength as I am.
People don’t know how to handle me. I don’t respond the same way everyone else does. Yet there is nothing obviously bizarre or crazy about me either.
It is like I have my own personal annex of the Uncanny Valley because I seem almost human but there is something… off… about me, despite the charm and charisma.
Hence my sometimes imagining myself as a friendly robot, or maybe an alien.
At least then people would have some clue as to what is wrong with me.
“Oh, well, of course his responses creep me out… he’s FROM MARS!”
That would make my life so much easier.
More after the break.
Oh, by the way, I’m VERY smart
Said in this voice :
Here’s my problem.
Knowing I have a high IQ is very helpful when it comes to understanding what I say and do. But there is no socially acceptable way to tell people this.
No matter what, you just sound like you are bragging, and that makes people immediately turn on you, or turn you off.
So I end up in quite the pickle. How do I let people know this vital truth?
At least, that is what I have thought until now. But now I have realized that is bullshit.
Knowing about my sky high IQ might help interpret my actions in some circumstances but it is hardly vitally important for social communication.
It’s not like I speak in some kind of incomprehensible intellectual patois or ergot.
The real truth is that it is only vitally important to ME and my fragile ego that people know how gosh darn bright I am.
It’s my one claim to adult legitimacy. My island of confidence in a sea of neurosis and self-doubt. I might doubt whether I am a real person and I definitely have grave doubts about my status as a grownup (yeah right) and I might even, in my darkest moments, doubt my justification for staying alive, but I never doubt that I am hella smart.
And I know that should be, on some level, a bigger deal than it has ever been in my life. Being someone who never had to learn to study, even in college, should count for something somehow, somewhere, shouldn’t it?
Ergo perhaps, on some level, my desire to inform people of the loftiness of my cranium is my childlike way of looking for someone to finally notice me and how special I am.
I mean, that’s the sort of thing that makes one “gifted” :n’est-ce pas?
But I suppose I never got noticed because I was so good at hiding from the world, and so very bad at putting myself forward and demanding to be noticed.
You can’t call it neglect to go unnoticed when you are the one in the Ghillie suit.
Before you can be noticed, you have to decloak. Make yourself visible and let yourself be seen. Take the big risk that your avoidant tendencies are telling you means death.
But revealing yourself is NOT death. There is no deadly predator waiting to GET you. Nothing terrible is going to happen just because you now exist like everyone else.
The idea of it scares the hell out of me. Makes me feel like I will get trapped by people’s eyes shining on me, like a jailbreaker caught in a spotlight, and surely without the ability to disappear into one of my hidey holes at a moment’s notice, I am DOOMED.
But all that is absolute nonsense. Nothing but the ghost of some very old and outdated emotions, with no substance or justification any more.
So it is time for my big reveal :
Hi. My name is Michael. And I’m real.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.