I really need to get out of this sepulcher of a life.
I spend all day trapped by my afflictions between these same four god damned walls, wallowing like the human pig I am in the filth and degradation of my inability to clean, rotting like a corpse from the inside out as my mental and physical ailments eat away at me like acid reflux, and all I can do is bear passing witness to my own degeneration.
I’m stuck in a negative gameplay loop where I hate the game and wish I could play almost anything else but find myself unable to stop playing for long enough to find something else to do.
I just can’t face that horrible feeling of not knowing what to do with myself again.
That existential void terrifies me. It feels like it could destroy me. Tear me apart. Pull me in so many directions at once that I am ripped apart at the molecular level and disappear in a heartbeat, leaving nothing behind but a lot hydrogen, carbon, oxygen, and traces of everything else.
I am nerdy AF even in my self-excoriation.
Fear of that void keeps me locked in this filthy fucking cage of mine. Living in a cage like an exhibit in a really crappy zoo might suck moose nuggets. but you don’t have much of a choice when you can’t handle freedom.
Especially freedom with no power. I know this is a tragically narrow way to view things, but when I ask myself what do I WANT to do, any answers I come up with invariably would involve me having assets I do not possess and cannot acquire.,
Things like money. And health. The ability to walk. Or get around by myself somehow. The ability to travel. The ability to be social without fear. The ability to just be myself, and to truly believe that being myself is enough.
I feel so hemmed in by neuroses. No matter which way I turn, I am interdicted by a flashing red barrier of fear and panic and calcified aversion.
No wonder I stay locked deep within myself and mostly ignore the world outside my skull, which is where the majority of it resides.
In a sense.
Unable to face the reality of freedom, let alone the truths of adulthood and the responsibility of determining my own fate, I remain withdrawn into the cold and lifeless fortress of my mind and pretend there is nothing out there .
Nothing I can handle, anyhow.
Deep down, it’s almost impossible to make myself believe that there is anything out there in the big bad world worth leaving my stone womb for.
And that’s not good. You fundamentally cannot come out of your proverbial shell without some kind of belief that it might be worth it. That you’ll get more out of it than you put in.
Otherwise, no matter how bright and cheerful your intentions are, you won’t even try. Not really. You will go through the motions but just for the privilege of being able to say that you tried, even though you didn’t. Not in the slightest.
You put absolutely no effort, focus, drive, or commitment into it. Calling that trying is like calling sitting in the driver’s seat “driving”.
And it’s a one stop bus ride from there to telling yourself and other people you tried things and they didn’t work for you when you never did any such thing.
After all, if you really tried, you might succeed, and then you’d have to actually do things, and we can’t have THAT.
So go head. Lie that you tried just to keep people from suggesting things that you know won’t work because you don’t WANT them to work.
You want to stay exactly as you are because change is scary and hard.
But that won’t stop you from bitching about your life and how bad it is.
Because you like that part, too.
So why change it?
More after the break.
Why would I leave?
I’ve asked myself why I would leave my shell behind and enter the world.
Now I am going to try to answer that question.
We’ll start with a blanket “because anything that make life worth living is out there”. That is an undoubtedly true statement and a good place to start bur it is too general and vague to pierce the thick grey funk around my true soul.
So let’s get more specific :
There’s money out there. Normally this would be a highly motivating factor. But the truth is, my current income covers my modest needs quite well, and with a bit to spare.
I’m not exactly living the high life, but I am comfortable.
There’s sex out there. And I am a desperately “lonely” man who has never had the chance to truly explore his sexuality in the real world at all. And I would really love a chance to fix that.
But there’s always masturbation. So while the prospect of finally getting to sow all these wild oats I got stashed around here it tempting, it’s not enough.
There’s men out there. Now you’re talking. I’m not just “lonely”, I’m lonely too. I’ve never been in a relationship and I would really like to give it a try. I have a lot to offer a prospective beau, and would be quite happy to play househusband for the right guy.
My relationship requirements are quite strict, though. The fact that they need to have nerd level intelligence immediately eliminates 80 percent of men, and I am already pulling from the small percentage of men who are gay/bi in the first place.
So while my dreams of domestic bliss are very, very tempting, the prospect of trying to find my needle in the haystack (gaystack?) of dating cools that a bit.
There’s SO MUCH FUN to be had out there. Bingo! I think we have a winner. I need to stop taking things so seriously, treat life like a game, and get out there and have some seriously large quantities of high grade fun with life. I could be having such a good time if I just left the nest and spread my wings to fly. I could be doing awesome stuff with funky cool creative type people. I could be making mad good videos that rock the Net with their creative power. I could be getting access to powerful people who might actually let me make real big-time TV. There’s so much out there for me!
There. That ought to do it. Fuck everything else and think of the FUN.
Life can be full of things way more fun than any video game. So I need not think of it as “giving up” video games.
I can think of it as trading up instead.
Fuck this shit. Where’s the real fun at?
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.