Came across this article called A Guide To Writing Contests.
And I was like, “Thank god, because I have no idea how to write a contest. ”
Ba dum bump.
Hi there folks. It’s me, your weird friend with the even weirder blog, here to give you your daily dose of the unstructured ramblings of my unhinged mind.
Writing this thing has been a little trickier lately because, like I was telling my therapist today, I have not been feeling very introspective lately.
Possibly because I have been feeling better, and don’t want to jinx it by poking around in my brain and thus ruining a good thing.
But also because I’m kind of tired of my constant self-analysis. It’s very hard to say whether it does more harm than good or vice versa.
I know that probing my psyche for pockets of latent emotion then drilling down into them to let the craziness out does me a lot good overall.
But I don’t know if that justifies the strain of always being under my own microscope.
At some point, you have to stop poking around in the engine and just close the hood, get into the car, and drive. Ya know what I mean?
And that’s how I feel right now. I want to concentrate on feeling good (ish) and living life and doing my best to heal.
I’m pumping every erg I can spare of personal energy into the strenuous but rewarding task of regenerating my mind and spirit and soul by thawing out all the parts of myself that got frozen by all my years of total isolation and never getting the light and love they needed to grow and bloom.
I have lost so much from being far too wrapped up in myself. From the rape onward, my default response to stress, challenge, anxiety, and the rest has been to withdraw further into myself until things don’t seem as scary.
Like I have said before : like a turtle who never leaves his shell.
And that assumes I will know if things become less scary, and the truth is, I stopped checking a really long time ago. I just stay buried deep inside myself on the assumption that the world is a horrible place containing nothing worth the effort to obtain.
And if you never check your assumptions, you can go on thinking they are correct.
Ladies and gentlemen, conservatism.
But looked at rationally, the notion that I know enough about the universe to support such a broad conclusion as, “there’s nothing worth the effort out there for me” is insane.
The real truth is that I want to believe there is nothing worth getting out there because that makes me feel better about my total inability to go out there and look.
It’s sour grapes, all the way.
The intelligent and pragmatic view is that there are probably tons of things in this wild old world of ours that would totally give me more than they cost me.
I just lack the strength, courage, and inner fortitude to go looking.
But it is all out there, waiting for me to be ready to handle it.
Until then, all I can do is heal.
More after the break.
Oh, my aching heart!
And I mean that quite literally.
I’ve been up for almost an hour and a half now, and my cardioid region still aches. I’ve had another “attack” and while there was still no sharp pains or the like, that “heartburn” feeling came on rather strong.
Plus I felt flushed, and dizzy, and faint, and a bit nauseous. And my head hurt.
It felt a lot like when I have had heat sickness, actually. All that was missing was the faint, distant sizzling sound.
I am officially worried about this shit. Enough that I am pondering a trip to Urgent Care to have someone give my heart a quick listen.
Because not only do I have a lot of heart disease factors (like untreated sleep apnea and years of under-treated diabetes), but I have such an extensive family history of heart disease on the male side of my mother’s family that it’s basically not a matter of if you will get it, but when.
So the phrase “ticking time bomb” comes to mind.
And I am thinking it can’t wait until I see Doc Chao on the 18th. That’s 12 long days from now and I might not make it.
I mean, I plan on getting up much more slowly for the time being.[1] And that should help prevent another incident (fingers crossed).
But I am still gonna worry. A heart attack can really ruin your day. I really, really do not want to have one.
Then again, I really don’t feel like spending my Saturday at Urgent Care or the ER. But as boring and depressing and low-key stressful as those places can be, they still are better than dropped dead because my heart went boom.
But it’s close.
Seriously though, my main question is whether or not Urgent Care can do an EKG. I am pretty sure they can, in which case I will go there because while I am very worried about this temperamental ticker of mine, it’s not exactly an emergency.
I know they do EKGs in the ER. I got one the last time I landed there. I assume they didn’t find anything wrong then.
But my heart does not feel right tonight. And that “attack” I had earlier was pretty bad. I definitely do not want to see what comes after that in this sequence.
So I am probably gonna get Julian to drop me off at Urgent Care tomorrow. Part of me is tempted to leave it till Monday morning when it will be a lot less busy.
Why does this shit always happen to me on the weekend?
Either way, I am gonna end up somewhere. I need to have a doctor give my heart a once-over and tell me what to do.
Maybe it’s just heartburn. Acid reflux. Something like that.
But maybe it ain’t.
And I better find out which it is.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.