Bleh. Here I am starting my blogging an hor later than usual due to a nap attack.
See, around 2:30 pm, I had been computing away for a couple of hours when it occurred to me that this was around the time I would usually take a nap, if I hadn’t had one lately.
“No!” I said to myself. “I don’t have to hide in sleep all the time! I am going to power on through to when I blog and eat lunch at 4 pm and only after THAT will I take a nap!”
That lasted until around 3:30 pm, ehich is when I caved. Set the alarm on my tablet for 4:30 and took a nice one hour nap.
Woke up when the alarm went off. Then fell back asleep till 5 pm.
Turns out that I do, in fact, have to hide in sleep all the time because that is what my body and brain now expect and I am powerless to resist the siren song of sleep as a result.
Because by 3:30 pm, I was very sleepy. If I stayed up, I would end up very stressed out by trying to stay awake past that point, let alone trying to keep enough of my marbles together to blog.
And ya know, stress is a killer, especially for people with three stents in their heart and a bunch of other maladies like myself.
So the “sheer grit and determination” method for breaking my napping habit so I can get better sleep at night is not going to really be an option for me.
Back to my first idea, which is to get myself a six pack of fully caffeinated Diet Coke and drink that throughout the day in order to bolster my attempts to stay awake.
After all, my ban on caffeine is entirely self-imposed. No doctor or other medical authority told me. I didn’t even get told to do it by a YouTube video.
I just decided it all on my own because I was worried about my blood pressure.
And to be honest, it was never an all out ban anyhow. I still drank regular Diet Coke when I went to Denny’s once a week, and often when I ordered in I would get regular Diet Coke or Diet Pepsi with the meal if that was an option.
And my blood pressure is okay-ish now, so what the heck.
A small trip back to caffeine land probably won’t kill me.
And getting myself into healthy sleeping habits could yield great health benefits. This being unable to sleep for more than a couple of hours during the day and at best three hours at night is for the birds.
I need lots of deep REM sleep in order to clear out my medium term memory and maybe cut through some of this god damned brain fog for once.
Imagine being able to think clearly and cleanly.
The prospect both amazes and terrifies me.
In other words, sounds like fun to me!
More after the break.
Half way there
Well, I regained my FatCow password. I can log in to it again.
But they won’t accept my credit card, so I couldn’t renew my domain et al. Motherfucker.
I am starting to think this Canada Post card is a real lemon. Pretty sure my Pay Power cards never had this kind of problem.
Oh well, I can always switch back if Julian can find me any Pay Power cards next Deposit Day, which is next Wednesday.
If not, I will get Julian to put like $50 on a new Canada Post card just so I can see if I can get the damned thing properly registered and maybe get around these damned problems,
Why do things have to be so damned complicated?
More on the Trog
He’s the reason I have to drag myself into doing things I actually want to do.
Like Therapy Thursdays. I know the sessions are good for me. I know that I get a lot out of them. I know they invariably make me feel better.
But the Trog don’t care.
Like doing Zoom then PVR with Le Gang tonight. I want to do it. I know I will enjoy it. Heck, I know I will be a little sad when it is over.
Try telling that to the Trog, though.
Even my beloved outings to Denny’s, which are the highlight of my week and without a doubt the best thing that happens to me in this sad life of mine, doesn’t get through to the Trog.
All the Trog knows is that all of these things mean an increase in both social and sensory stimulation and therefore must be fought with all the blind ferocity of a cornered rat.
And with about as much screeching and clawing and biting too.
Kicks in around two or three hours before the event. I might be perfectly calm and rational and looking forward to the event before then, bnt once that line is crossed, I become anxious and apprehensive.
Most of the time this doesn’t keep me from doing the thing, of course. It just causes me unnecessary fear and stress and wear and tear on my poor nerves.
And every once in a while, I lose the fight. The anxiety overwhelms me and no matter how much I know I will enjoy the thing, or at least not mind overmuch, I must demur.
And I suppose that is enough to keep that god damned Trog going. It knows that it probably won’t win, but each time might be one of the times it does, and so it always puts up a fight.
Intermittent reward and all that.
And I am just so god damned tired of it all. It’s all so futile. Why put myself through this over and over again when what I am fighting against is something I actually want?
But I guess there is no reasoning with that scared little animal inside of me.
And in the end, that’s all the Trog is.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.