I got deep today.

I don’t recall how I got on to the subject of justice, but those are thoughts I have had for a long time and that I truly and specifically wanted to convey to the world, so regardless of how I got there, I am glad I did.

Also glad I didn’t go any deeper into the whole “nature isn’t fair” thing. I wrote a brutally, life-scarringly depressing short story about that a long time ago and I am still ashamed of it, but it was something I had to get out of my system.

I am not going to link it here, even though I know it’s in the deep archives of this blog and I could totally find it if I wanted to do so.

It’s evil. It’s poison. It’s the distillation of a lot of years of silent sadness and deep thoughts about nature, and if someone else had written it and I had read it, I would hate that person with the white hot passion of a thousand suns forever.

In my partial defense, I was crying my eyes out the whole time I was writing it. And for a while after I finished, too.

That’s probably why writing it was so cathartic.

I wonder if I have something else like that in me? I suppose that little story about the fox in the glen is a step in that direction. That naked allegory got out some of the feelings I have about the way that I live, at least.

But I know that I could get a hell of a lot deeper if I had the nerve. And if I came up with the right set of central metaphors for the whole thing.

In a weak way, I suppose talking about myself as a wizard in a tower is also a step in that direction. I didn’t use it in fiction or even develop it very much, so it doesn’t really count, but clearly something inside me is trying to express itself.

Maybe I need to trip balls on some strong hallucinogen so I can go on a psychedelic journey into the very depths of my spiritual existence and find there the solution to all my mental problems which the current rigid structure of my psyche denies me.

That could be fun.

More seriously, microdosing LSD or DMT or the like might actually do me some good. A lot of very interesting research on the therapeutic efficacy of low dose hallucinogens in the treatment of things like anxiety and depression is being done down in the States.

The idea is that a low dose of these drugs melts the mind’s walls just enough to allow your brain to fix itself without your mind getting in the way.

No need to climb inside your own belly button.

I would definitely be willing to try the low dose approach. I know that my mind is its own worst enemy and loosening things up a bit in there sounds like a good idea to me.

It could certainly help me recover from being way too rational and analytical for my wn good and maybe even help me to become more human again.

That sure would be nice.

I don’t think I would go the full Timothy Leary “mind astronaut” way though. I’m not a stupid hippie poking around in my brain in search of an interesting mental sensation. My naturally cautious nature balks at taking such a huge gamble with my sanity.

If I lose my marbles now, I might never get them back. And falling all the way into full bore insanity is one of my greatest fears.

So no, I am not going to go on any acid trips any time soon.

But maybe I would go on an acid “trip down to the 7-11 for a diet drink”.

More after the break.

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If I were crazy

I mean all the way crazy, not just the “standard life crippling neurotic” kind of crazy I am currently in my third decade of.

I dunno how realistic my fear of losing contact with reality completely is. It seems most likely that it’s just something my depression uses to keep me from making progress.

Scientifically, if I was psychotic it would have shown up a long time ago, between the ages of 16 and 25 if not sooner.

And I have never “heard voices” except for the occasional half a syllable when I am falling asleep or have recently woken up.

And even then, that hasn’t happened in the last 20 years, so I am in the clear.

Just in time for me to be entering dementia territory, when my brain could fail me from the opposite direction. Yay.

Although I dunno. Maybe it would slow down my mind just enough that I can finally calm down and rest and get some decent sleep.

Silver linings and all that.

Anyhow, insanity. It’s probably not going to happen any time soon, anyhow, unless I have a stroke or something.

I’m such a cheerful sort, aren’t I?

So I can probably stop imagining that I am barely clinging to what little sanity I possess and the slightest perturbation could send me screaming into the void below.

Though I suppose that does add a certain dark romance to my daily struggles. Sure, it looks like I’m just a fat lump who plays video games, but on the inside, I’m a hard edged existential daredevil walking the razor’s edge of insanity every waking moment and a lot of the sleeping ones too.

I’ve been having “bad moments” lately. Moments where I feel alienated and panicky and haunted and hunted and confused.

I am learning to appreciate them. I think they are moments where my brain is trying to reconfigure itself into a saner shape and while they are very unpleasant, they are brief.

Maybe one of these times I will resist the urge to immediately slam my mind back into its accustomed shape and just sit with the experience instead.

Who knows, maybe I will even get some healing done.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.