Yes, I do have one.
I’m as surprised as you are to learn this.
I’ve always associated that sort of thing with the doomed perfectionists and demon-driven overachievers of the world.
The Type A Types. People for whom I had great admiration (and use) and who probably are the ones that keep the world running, but with whom I do not identify.
I’m a more laid back type, or so I thought.
But I am actually the opposite, it just doesn’t seem that way because it doesn’t express itself in me like it does in other.
The epiphany came when I realized that my arrogance was such that I simply assumed that whatever I did, I would do better than anyone else.
As long as it was in my rather large wheelhouse of creativity and academics and so on, I simply assume I will do extremely well without even trying.
It’s not as crazy as it sounds.
Because that has literally been my experience of life. Without effort, I was way, way smarter than the other kids. There was never even any question. At no point did I ever feel like one of my fellow students was somehow serious competition for me.
Granted, that’s mostly because I was a doe-eyed innocent who didn’t think in terms of competition at all and just wanted to be everyone’s friend, but still.
If I could start over at Grade 1, I would be competitive as FUCK.
My point is, I have been the best without even trying my whole life.
So I can truly say that the idea that in any “my sort of thing” competition, the idea that there will someone way, way better than me there would not normally occur to me.
I want that kind of competition. I’ve been search for my sensei (or at least a worthy rival) for my entire life. I want someone to test myself against. I want someone who can put me down with superior force and make me feel like finally, there is a superior power who can protect me and whom I can learn from in this world.
Holy crap. Stick a pin in that shit, it’s gold.
The protect part especially. When there is no superior power in your world then you are truly alone and abandoned. Sure, you have power – but you don’t have the wisdom, experience, toughness, or grit to use it to protect yourself.
Instead, it makes you a target of other people’s impotent rage.
Ain’t my fault I’m Superman.
Anyhow, back to my subconscious but profound egotism.
I am not sure how I would react if I stepped into some arena of competition and found out there was someone way better than me there.
Honestly, I might creepy them out to the max by getting all excited to meet them.
“OMG! you completely kicked my ass! That makes me so happy! I’ve been waiting to meet you for my entire life! We need to go again, and this time, I will actually try! I’ve always wanted to know what that’s like! Will you be my FRIEND? Wait, come back!”
Yeah. That would not end well.
More after the break.
“…and you know it’s safe for everyone to eat, because it’s made without ingredients…”
Trouble changing lanes
Lately I have had trouble changing activities.
Like when I stop playing games to blog or go to the bathroom or eat. Or when I stop blogging to lay back down.
Seems like no matter what I am doing, I never want to stop doing it and then have to face the uncomfortable transition period, which the unhealthy Trog part of me always views as a cruel and chilling dislocation of some kind.
Like there is no such thing as a smooth and comfortable change. Only life as an endless series of brief islands of warm, fragile stability being shattered by brutal tsunamis of arctic fury.
And that’s no way to run a railroad, kids.
Anyone can see that. Life involves changes and transitions. At the risk of insipidity, I will point out that you will always be stopping doing one thing to do another.
And that would be true even if I was a billionaire. Getting out of the hot tub to meet with my production team is just as much a transition as getting out of bed to play Oblivion.
So to have so little ability to adapt to the basic mode changes of any life on Earth makes me a very poorly programmed nude monkey indeed.
I don’t know why I have such a poor transmission and gearbox. I suppose it must be my inward turning nature. To be otherwise would require some kind of constant presence in mundane reality and I try to keep that shit to an arguably harsh minimum.
Regardless of the reason, it seems quite absurd to me that I have to fight myself a dozen or more times a day just to get myself to do whatever is next.
Wake up, you silly human, and read the agenda!
A knot in the gut
WARNING : Non explicit poop talk.
More than a little worried about my intestinal situation.
I keep getting constipated without knowing it then ending up taking a very extensive poop which leaves me in this bizarre and uncomfortable state where I can feel a rather solid and tight knot in my guts right around and under my navel, but I can’t shift it.
So it feels like I have more defecating to do, but I can’t actually do it. Frustrating.
And of course, my mind immediately goes to one of my many medical issues doctors don’t feel like fixing, my untreated umbilical hernia.
That’s exactly where the knot forms, and lingers for a while before moving on. It could very well be that the problem has gotten worse and is now narrowing the intestine and causing bottlenecks in the system.
That shit could get serious. So, back to Doctor Chao I go.
While I am there, I might as well ask him if HE knows why the left side of my body went numb and caused me to go to the ER.
What the hell, it’s worth a shot.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.