Still not in the mood to use the topics from my notes.
I’m feeling very inward facing lately. I think that’s why. I have too much I am trying to express with these inexpert words to take any external words in, even from myself.
That’s fine, though. The notes are there for when I need them. When I am drawing a blank and can’t think of anything to write about.
And they are a way for me to get ideas out of my head without having to write the entire thing. Patient readers will remember that I resisted doing that for a long time under the assumption that if the only way for my ideas to escape my skull was to write the full thing, I would be more motivated to write the frigging thing.
And there’s still some truth to that, and the connected idea that if I write down an idea, my brain will say “good enough” and count it as “written”, and then I will have the same distaste (and disgust) I have for it that I have for all my completed works and will never want to touch the thing again.
God it’s complicated being me. Sigh.
But the truth is that writing down the idea of something is not the same as writing the thing. I have much more to say on the topic and/or a much more deep and detailed story to tell, and the note is merely a reference to that greater work.
So jotting down the occasional note is fine. The note is neither command nor obligation, it’s just a bit of externalized memory I use to make space in my brain for new stuff.
Got to keep my working memory as uncluttered as possible.
After all, there’s less of it every day.
Trials of Fire indeed
In addition to all the Oblivion-ing, I’ve also occasionally been playing a game called Trials of Fire.
It’s a turn based strategy RPG of unusual depth and fascination and my continuing to play it is quite noteworthy because normally, I would have given up on it by now.
Because the truth is, I am terrible at it.
For now, at least. I never get very far into the game on each “run’. Usually the third or fourth battle kills me. By all measures I have demonstrated very little aptitude for the game. It’s too complex for me to easily handle.
Which is why I love that I keep playing anyhow.
Because you know what? Fuck aptitude.
I’ve coaster through life on natural ability for too long. It’s a crutch. So it’ good that I have found something I enjoy enough to keep doing despite repeated failure.
in fact, I find the game quite absorbing. Time flies when I am playing it. I lose hours an barely even notice.
That’s especially true now that I have noticed that I can multitask it with listening to my YouTube videos due to its relatively low verbal component and low stimulus level.
The two together put me into a “flow” state quite nicely. And I treasure that.
Because barring any direction or goals in my life, getting through time with as little pain and strain as possible is as good as it gets.
Next best thing to being in a coma!
More after the break,
Me : 1, Argh! : 0
Just had a wrasslin’ match with that bloody-minded beast called bureaucracy.
Started when I got an email from the province telling me that my booster shot of the ol’ COVID vaccine was now available and all I had to do was log in to the government website and book an appointment.
Easy… ish. All I had to do was plug in my personal health number off my CareCard plus the appointment confirmation number.
So I clicked the link in the email and it took me to the appointment website. Legit!
Then I go back to the email for this confirmation thingy.
It ain’t there. Panic level 1!
I am now in a tizzy trying to figure out what the fuck I missed.
Luckily I switched back to the website in my blind panic and saw that the confirmation code had been automagically filled in when I clicked the link.
Kind of wish they’d TOLD me that. But whatever.
So I make my appointment for what seems like a sensible time – 11:30 am Friday. But then I tell Julian, and oops, he already agree to dogwalk then.
Merde. Oh well, these things happen.
Now I gotta figure out how to change the appointment.
Luckily, that proves to be easy, there’s a link for it in the confirmation email.
But then the real battle begins because apparently these appointments are going fast ergo I am going through location after location and finding they either have no appointments left or only have appointments on days and/or times I can’t make.
I had no choice but to just keep trying locations till I found one that worked.
Thankfully, I finally found one. 3:10 pm this Saturday the 29th, at, ironically, the pharmacy attached to my doctor’s office.
And I need to make an appointment with him to discuss both my tummy issues and mystery of why half my body went numb anyhow, so what the hell, I will see if he takes in-person appointments on Saturdays.
Odds are low but it’s worth a shot.
Still kind of pissed off about the ER’s lack of continued interest in why i had some very heart attack and/or stroke like symptoms.
The EMTs were certainly taking the whole thing seriously. That was soothing to my fears, which were considerable.
For all I knew, this was it. This was the heart attack or stroke that was going to kill me. Turn me into another fat (potential) star taken too soon.
And I didn’t even drink or do drugs!
So to then patiently wait for hours while they did their thing only to be told “Well it’s not a heart attack or stroke. Bye!” was very disappointing.
I really thought they cared!
Well I am going to get some kind of answer somehow, dammit. Either from my GP, or my cardiologist, or (god help us) the internet.
I trust the internet on a lot of things, but I know that Google plus my being a recovering hypochondriac make for a very volatile combination.
So I don’t wanna go there. Much better off talking to experts.
Nice, soothing, knowledgeable experts who know way more than me and who are trained in this very thing and whose opinion I can therefore trust.
Imagine me repeating the previous paragraph in a low, singsong voice while rocking back and forth while clutching my sides in the dark,
So don’t fuck this up, experts.
You’re all that stands between me and MADNESS.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.