Sounds dramatic when phrased like that, doesn’t it?
Deliver me from evil, sweet Jesus!
But barring that, just deliver my groceries.
Everything is 5 by 5 this time, as far as I can tell. The order didn’t bounce due to insufficient funds, so I should be getting my stuff any minute now.
After all, it’s 4:07 pm, more than halfway through the delivery period of 3 pm to 5 pm.
By that same token, though, I am starting to get nervous. Maybe something has gone wrong again. That would be highly irritating.
At least I know it wouldn’t be MY fault this time.
I am probably just being paranoid because of yesterday’s SNAFU. It was rather a shock to my sensitive soul to have things go awry like that. Shook me up a little.
As patient readers know, I don’t like surprises. Even good surprises can throw me for a loop. And this was not a good surprise.
Of course, I know that in the grand scheme of things, it was nothing but a tiny blip, a bump on the road, if you will. Once I actually get my groceries, all of this will be forgotten and everything will go back to normal.
But until then, I will fret.
Which is normal for me. I’m a fretter. A worrier.
And it is more that mere neurosis. It’s a central part of how I operate. Worrying is how I keep important things in mind until they come to fruition.
Otherwise, I will forget.
Delivery dude just called to say he will be here in 5 to 10 minutes. So, phew that.
So anyhow, worry can be a good, functional thing as long as what you are worrying about is something active and relevant in your life.
Even if it’s something you don’t control – like when your groceries arrive – worry about it still keeps the issue emotionally alive in your mind.
At least, that’s how it seems to work for me. Your mileage may vary.
Groceries delivered and retrieved. Sorta.
The trip to the door was relatively okay, and getting the groceries from the dude was going well enough, but then I made the mistake of bending down to get something I had temporarily put on the floor and that’s when everything went all to hell.
The combination of the change in head posture and the strain on my knees catapulted me into a very bad mental state where I was both very dizzy and in a lot of leg pain.
So I had to go sit down and try to recover myself while Julian gathered in the groceries.
I am thinking I may have to bite the bullet and leave the whole receiving the groceries thing to him next time.
I hate to do it but that was pretty rough just now.
So there goes another little chunk of my pride and autonomy, I guess. At least until my legs get fixed.
I am so sick of being a near-cripple. I want things to be normal again. I want my legs to work again. I want to walk around like everyone else.
But I know I am close to being a REAL cripple and it is freaking me out.
Which remind me. Just to ease my neurosis, I need to call the hospital to see about my CT scan appointment.
I won’t be able to stop worrying about it till I do.
More after the break..
Me after the summer solstice : I think I will go straight to bed, honey. After all, I have had SUCH a long day!
Quick update : called the hospital. They had no CT scan booked for me. Left a voicemail with the CT department. They are only around till 3 pm – you know, for convenience – so I will not hear back till tomorrow.
Quick update : called the hospital. They had no CT scan booked for me. Left a voicemail with the CT department. They are only around till 3 pm – you know, for convenience – so I will not hear back till tomorrow.
It appears that my irrational feeling that Doctor Chao would forget to make the req was, in fact, completely justified.
This is why I have trust issues
We’re living on the ledge
Another meal, another pulse-pounding round of torture and fear where I slump into my computer chair at the end of food retrieval panting, sweating, and hurting all over.
But especially in my legs.
Been spending a lot of time sitting on the edge of my bed, staring off into space, waiting for something but I don’t know what.
As a symptom, it is chronic, but not continuous. It comes and goes. There are periods when I can get in and out of bed like a normal person and periods, like now, where even if I full intend to go straight from lying doing to being at my computer. I end up in that same old pleasantly blank state again.
Clearly, this is something my mind and/or body needs. So I do my best not to get mad about it or excoriate myself over it.
After all, it does no harm. So I spend some time staring into space instead of burning brain cells playing video games. So what?
Nothing of value is lost, I assure you.
Nevertheless, as an extremely theoretical scientist, the symptom fascinates me. What exactly am I doing when I sit there on pause?
My best guest is that this is how my brain catches up on processing all the input I subject myself to on a daily basis. It deliberately puts the active conscious mind asleep so no new input comes in and it can finally clear the backlog off its desk.
As it were.
Normally, this is the sort of thing that we do during REM sleep. But my sleep sucks, so I am probably not getting nearly enough REM sleep to get the job done, so my brain has to hijack a bit of my waking life now and then.
No big deal in my slackass life. Whatever.
It’s not like it’s unpleasant or painful. Far from it. My mood tends to be quite placid.
Like that of a well trained dog waiting patiently in front of a store for his master.
So it’s not a problem.
But it IS a bit of a mystery.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.