Not like I used to do, anyhow.
Like a lot of my fellow icy intellectuals, including my hero Gil Grissom from CSI, I grew up with a very strong emotional attachment to The Truth.
After all, if you have no solid spiritual core to drive you forward like the warmer types, The Truth makes a workable substitute in order to give those overpowering analytical abilities something like a moral focus.
It is very easy to fall into the mindset of thinking that in a world full of bullshit and lies, it is up to you and your powers of analysis and deduction to seek and find those precious few nuggets of truth in all the dross, and maybe even fit them into some kind of logical framework that makes sense of the whole thing.
Sounds all good and noble.
But it’s not enough. It’s not nearly enough.
Because while the pursuit of the truth sounds noble, it is ultimately an amoral act. It says absolutely nothing about what the hell you do with the truth once you find it.
Instead, it put the entire load on the intellectual epistemological side of things and obsesses itself over the question of what is true because deep down it knows it can’t handle the other half of the question, which is what do we actually DO?
Thus, it is a mindset custom fit for us soulless cerebral zombies who have no idea what to do or what we want or even who we really are because all of that involves dealing with one’s emotions and instincts and all that other hot, messy, “irrational” stuff that freaks us out because it’s so “chaotic”.
So we worship The Truth instead. And it makes for a lousy idol.
So now I see it as something I need to overcome. Like Nietzsche said, to overcome ourselves we must go under, and I am going under the waters of my emotional self looking for the connections to the real world that I have buried under layers of suppression and denial for so very long.
It’s a scary prospect. The part of me that is still beholden to the old regime of truth worship and intellectual bullshitting is still alive and kicking and bound to freak out and try to convince me that I will drown if I go down there and that the only way to stay alive is to stay cold and dry (and helpless and decaying and dying) in its cold storage hell.
One of its biggest lies is that if you don’t feel bad, then there’s no problem.
But not feeling bad is not the same as feeling good. And there is a big difference between not feeling bad because nothing is wrong and not feeling bad because you are too damned numb to feel anything at all.
Just because the Vicodin is blocking the pain doesn’t mean that having lost an arm in a car accident stops being a problem.
I have a lot of bad shit going on under the hood of my emotional self and the only way I am going to to fix that is if I get in there with my cerebral detachment detached and with my heart open to whatever the fuck needs to be felt in order to get things moving again.
Amen and pass the Paxil.
More after the break.
Frustrated and depressed
That’s how I feel right now.
I thought I had it sussed. Hat in hand, I would ask Joe and/or Julian to take my debit card and my PIN and go to Sav-On and buy me a new PayPower card.
Which means that I am temporarily admitting defeat in my war to somehow get to use my bank account money usable online.
I hated to ask it of J&J as it is a bit of an imposition, but I am at wit’s in and would really like my money now, please.
I am SUPER regretting going to direct deposit now. I should have known better than to trust a bank with all my money. They always find a way to jam me up.
Oh, how I miss the blessed simplicity of a wallet full of 50’s right now.
So anyhow, my foolproof plan was a bust because the PIN I gave them didn’t work. And I am caught flatfooted by that.
I swear I have used that PIN at ATMs plenty of times. But nerp.
Maybe it was the PIN to the credit card I used to have through Vancity before they decided to punish us poor people by joining apparently the entire Canadian banking world and not doing reloadable VISAs any more?
This despite them being the most secure form of credit card imaginable because you have to give them the money FIRST?
Anyhow, I hit another fucking dead end. And it’s driving me crazy. Joe and Julian tried the card plus PIN at an ATM too, and no dice. I clearly have it totally wrong.
I looked up how to reset my PIN. Apparently you call a toll free number, tell them you want to reset your PIN, and then they mail you a new one.
5 to 7 business days. La de frigging da.
So my only option is to actually show up at the bank in person and withdraw the money as cash. Then I can at least pay Joe his rent and get J and/or J to go buy me a card in cash like I used to do all the damned time.
Stupid direct deposit. I should just cancel it, seeing as I have to go to my bank in person to get my money anyhow.
The whole point of getting direct deposit was to keep me from having to go to the bank once a month to cash my check!
But apparently I don’t get to do that.
Not without getting a smartphone first. The lack of one is become a real barrier to modern life. Everyone has one but me.
But how the hell do I choose one?
All I want is something that sends and receives texts.
Maybe I should just buy a burner phone at 7-11. It’s probably phone enough for me.
Oh, and all this frustration comes at the same time I am being frustrated by a seemingly unbeatable final boss in the game I am playing.
Son of a bitch.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.