Good evening, good morning, good afternoon, and good eclipse to you all. I am Monsignor Chatterton Ouiseberg Debumsex the Third, owner, operator, curator, and custodian to this, the first and only Fooblestein Gallery of Art, Sculpture, and Ten Minute Lube Jobs. This highly esteemed and respectable institution has been endowed (quite well endowed) with the solemn and sacred duty of collecting and presenting for you, the adoring underwashed public, all that is fine and good in realm of the visual art, especially if it’s really, really dirty.
After all, our patrons expect a certain level of stimulation on one level or another.
Our first pair of exhibits will certainly stimulate your sense of amused horror, as it features two pictures from the distant past that will surely haunt your nightmares and make you truly grateful for all the advances in costumery that have have been made since the terrible days when these pictures were taken.
Thrill to the horror!
Kind of suggests some kind of horrifying alternate history where the entirety of World War I was sponsored by Disney and what we are seeing here is actually the world’s most surreal and horrifying gas mask drill. Sure, you look like the members of some Disney fixated version of The Klan, but this is your only hope of surviving an attack of deadly Woodpecker Gas from the forces of Walter Lantz.
OK, that last bit is probably just me.
Of course, you do not start life as a much-feared Donald Stormtrooper. Future Disney warrior start out small, as Mickey Commandos.
Here they are being cheerfully indoctrinated in the Disney Code of Behaviour, and learning the importance of peace, love, obedience, cooperation, and the willingness to kill when the forces of evil strike.
So I have a really sick mind. It’s what got me this job!
Moving on to our next exhibit, what we have here is a nearly perfect example of the art of the verbal zap, reproduced in IRC text for our reading pleasure.
You will have to excuse me, as I am fairly certain I will become extremely unprofessional after showing you this stellar exhibit.
Awww HELL yeah! Feel that, you stupid bitch? That’s called a deep tissue burn! That’s called an orbital level slam! You got owned like tsunamis own the coastlines of Pacific nations! And oh, it’s just starting…. a sweet cut like that is the sort of thing your whole school will be talking about for days and days, and people will be looking at you and laughing for no apparent reason, and when you ask them why, they will just say “Oh, nothing…. ” and laugh even more.
Let that be a lesson to you : mock not the nerd, for we are all wizards and the ways of wizards are beyond your feeble understanding. Know only that we can hurt you in ways you cannot even comprehend, and you should show us the respect due to all human beings and seek not to put us down for being good at school.
Ahem. So, back to the exhibit.
Sometimes it is not the picture alone that makes it art, but instead, the perfect union of image and caption that creates something far larger than the sum of its parts.
As in this image :
Hilarious, for sure. Any party where you end up walking through flaming wreckage wearing nothing but a motorcycle helmet and a jock strap has got to rate as “epic” at the very least. That is some seriously hardcore lifestylin’ there, dude.
But the real question burning (sic) in everyone’s mind is : what the hell is the real story behind this picture? Sense. This makes none!
Like… did someone say “Hey, look, that building over there is burning down. Hey Lars! Dare you to walk through it in nothing but your jockstrap!”
And Lars replied “Hokay, but I get to wear my helmet too!”
“OK, you go get your helmet, and I will get my camera, and then it’s on, bitch!”
I am not sure why I immediately imagined these people as being German, but hey, we do not know for sure that they aren’t, right?
Well, that’s it for this week’s exhibition. I sincerely hope you all appreciate the degree to which I have made you more cultured, more sophisticated, and above all, just that tad more presentable.
Come back next week, where we will be exploring the controversial and provocative revelation that Ansel Adams did a lot of erotic photography under the pseudonym “Big Bad Wolf XXX”.