No, I haven’t suddenly decided to write Punisher fan fiction.

I just figured that if my last thing where I went on and on and on (and on) about my personal problems pertaining to my being cuckoo in the coconut was called , then I have basically declared war on my mental illness and seeing as I seem to be compelled to keep going on and on (and on) about it, I might as well call it some kind of journal, and pretend like I am tracking my progress out of a sense of organization and science, as opposed to just plain not being able to help myself.

I feel kinda guilty that I haven’t done any capital W Writing lately, just these bloggy type things. I would rather be writing brilliant essays or short stories, but I just don’t have it in me lately. Or rather, the elements are all there, and I probably have as many essays and short stories simmering on the surface of my witch’s kettle of a mind as ever.

But the self-examining (and self-expressing) stuff just pushes it out of the way.

I guess it’s all about what elements of my psyche want it more, I suppose.

And it is not like writing all this down is completely useless. On the contrary, I think it is doing me a lot of good. In pop psych circles, what I am doing is known as “writing it out”, dealing with things by journaling them out and hence bringing them up and letting them out. The perfect therapy for a writer, presumably. Just keep writing out your emotions and so forth, and release some of that intense pressure inside that makes life difficult.

Sounds good on paper, at least.

Another therapy session today. Already? Yup. My therapist and I are still ironing out the kinks in our scheduling, so the spacing between sessions is a tad ragged and uneven, but that should settle down soon so that I have appointments mostly on every Tuesday, with the occasional Monday substitution in order to accommodate another patient.

Whether the appointments are six, seven, or eight days apart does not matter much to me. I like predictability and regularity to a certain extent, and having an appointment on the same day of the week and at the same time each time would be ideal.

But having it on the same time and mostly on the same day will suffice.

I gave him an update on my symptoms of withdrawal from the lowering of my Paxil dosage from 80 mg to 60 mg. The dizziness seems to be getting worse. So far, it’s nt like, a lifestyle issue, but still, I am a little worried. If it gets to the point where it’s hard to even stay upright or walk in a straight line, then I will consider it a Problem and will see recourse. Maybe take 70 mg once or twice to ease the transition to the lower dose. With ym doctor’s permission, of course.

My therapist, that is. Not that schmuck GP.

The other symptom is that when I get hungry lately, I get really really hungry. It is kind of crazy, to be honest. I will wake up from a nap and be so ridiculously hungry that it’s like a kind of insanity. Like I have a black hole in the pit of my stomach.

On the one hand, it is good to have some degree of appetite back. Due to all my issues, I have been forced to get used to eating simply because I feel it is the time to eat, not because I am actually hungry. My appetite is usually very low. Even when I do feel like eating, I don’t really feel hungry. I just feel a certain emptiness in my stomach and lack of blood sugar level as a sort of abstract concept, and react accordingly.

So, getting hungry is good. But getting crazy hungry is way too much of a good thing. I seriously get so hungry that the two and a half minutes it takes to nuke some microwave popcorn seems like an eternity. I get so hungry I could snatch food from the hands of passersby. “What’s that? I don’t care, it’s food. Hand it over and nobody gets hurt.”

I just want nice normal “Gee, food would be nice right now” hunger, dammit. Why does everything have to be so extreme?

And me, the hardcore radical moderate that I am.

It’s just not fair.