Feeling foggy and/or groggy at the moment.
Probably because of the unplanned nap I took earlier. Not an involuntary nap… I’m not narcoleptic. Just found myself unexpectedly sleepy and decided to just go with it.
Woke up at around 3:45 pm, stagger-rolled into the kitchen to grab some food, then strolled back to sit at Mister Computer and blog.
So things are a bit hazy as of yet.
I have a complicated relationship with my mental fog. On the conscious level, I hate it and wish my long delayed dawn would come and burn that shit away so I can THINK.
But on an emotional level, I need that shit. I use it as my main defense against a chaotic and overstimulating world. It keeps me nice and numb so that I have the distance I need from reality in order to feel safe.
Hence my being a lonely planet orbiting a far too distant star, barely surviving on the few rays of warmth and light that make it this far.
I would love to be a lot closer to the sun. But this is as close as I can bear.
So as of now, I am doomed to starve for warmth and light in my long and frigid orbit. It is a sad and lonely life out here beyond Pluto, and I long for more.
But how do I convince my deeper self that thawing is not the same as dying? I’m not a snowman. There’s a real flesh and blood human being under this insulating layer of snow, and it’s him that’s real, not the snow.
Maybe it all begins with letting go of the compulsion to be in rational control of myself all the god damned time.
There are other, more humane forms of self control. There must be. Most people do not lead a dark and dirty life like mine.
Maybe I can be alive for a change, and save the icy self control for emergencies.
More after the break.
This is a closed set
It figures that I didn’t realize that I really take outside input into my writing process well until I was already enrolled in VFS.
That’s how I am destined to learn things, it seems. By blundering into situations with the best of intentions and finding out what a bad idea it all was afterwards.
Some of us are doomed to only learn in retrospect.
The signs were there, though. They always are. Like all those books on writing I’ve bought and couldn’t even stand to read.
Like I have said before, my writing is intensely personal. It flows directly from the depths of my soul, and as such, any attempt on my part to put someone else’s thought in there is met with the psychological equivalent of a strong immune response.
The foreign intrusion must be repelled!
This is only a problem because my usual way of learning is to swallow the information and absorb it until it’s a part of me.
This is what led to my academic success, but it has its drawbacks.
Such as making trying to learn about writing from others feel like someone is poking around in my internal organs and making rude comments.
Guess I just have to keep learning by doing.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.