I can’t shake the feeling that I am the victim of karmic irony.
Because it seems like I sat around doing nothing but rot my brain with video games until the option to do anything else was taken away from me by illness.
Now I am unable to go for a walk or start using the primitive gym in this building or really to do much of anything at all by myself.
At least I am realistic and pragmatic enough not to tear my hair and gnash my teeth wailing, “O woe betide, I was just about to start walking and running and kayaking and cross country skiing and…”
Yeah bullSHIT you were.Even if I suddenly had my peak health from when I was 21 back, I would still spend my time the same way.
The only real difference would be that masturbation would be way better.
I miss being that horny.
But apart from that, little would change, because the real problem lies within this Byzantine labyrinth I call a mind.
I walked like someone clad in iron long before my legs went boom. Depression is just like that. Everything I do involve overcoming such a potent kind of inner resistance that I have frequently likened it to driving with the parking brake on.
That’s the invisible burden we depressives carry with them every second of every day of their sad little lives.
We can’t explain or justify it to those who neither see nor feel our burden. You might as well be trying to tell fish they’re wet, or what color is to those born blind.
Truth is that most people will never lack what we lack, thank Whoever. And it’s hard to imagine missing something you barely know you have in the first place.
I wish there was a pill that gave you depression for like 24 hours so that people who deal with us on a regular basis could know what its like.
Except for us, it never ends.
More after the break.
Good old pepperoni
Decided to order in tonight. Pondered what I wanted, Dithered for a while, which is standard operating procedure for your truly.
In certain situations, I can be very commanding and decisive. A natural leader, even.
But when things center on me, everything goes all wobbly.
Anyhow, after the pondering period, it suddenly came to me :i wanted PIZZA.
And not just any pizza. It had to be the one, the only, all time ur-pizza, pepperoni.
It’s the one pizza nearly everyone loves. And I still get the occasional hankering for it despite Pizza Slut having many tastier and more nuanced options like the Chicken Caesar and the Meat Lover’s.
Sometimes only the original classic will do.
I think I got hooked on pepperoni way back when we lived at 1 Road and Francis and had a Little Caesars in the mini-mall next door, with their $5 medium pepperoni pizzas.
It was nice living one door down from a Safeway, a KFC, and Little Caesar’s.
Anyhow, I just ate 2/3 of a 9″ pizza, and now I must lay down.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.