Mood’s pretty low right now.
I can feel the cold arctic winds blowing through my heart. I feel fragile and abandoned and lost. That Midnight Tundra of mime is restless and looking for a fight, and I feel like fixing the world with a stare of the calm yet burning intensity of a microwave laser.
Like this guy.
What an attractive fantasy for the timid yet hateful.
Mostly I feel alienated. Even more cut off from my fellow humans than usual. At times like these I can really feel all those light years of intergalactic void that lie between me and more or less every other human being on Earth.
Evem my good friends and roommates are barely within the same solar system as me, and they’re the people I am closest to in this frigid and lawless universe.,
I don’t want to be so very distant from everyone else. I want to be close enough to feel the warmth and light of mutual humanity. For as long as I can remember, I have been starving for human warmth and connection with others.
But instead there has been this seemingly insurmountable gulf between me and them. It started with the large gap between me and my fellow elementary school students caused by both my naturally high IQ and my lack of having been through kindergarten.
And it only got wider and wider from then on. Like I’ve said before, it’s a wonder that I did not end up on the autism spectrum somewhere.
Assuming I didn’t. Jury’s still out on that as far as I am concerned. Whatever I have might not fully qualify as autism but it bears a striking resemblance to it.
I know one thing : I sure as fuck ain’t healthy, and I never have been.
Not since starting school. anyhow. Or before that, the rape. I dimly recall being a happy and precocious child with an easy natural charm.
I probably could recall it better if I really tried, but it’s just too painful. I still mourn that happy little kid, and wonder what would have happened to him if a stranger’s cock hadn’t torn a hole in his soul from which he still bleeds.
No wonder I got bullied. Every predator knows you go after the wounded ones first.
More after the break.
Stop the room!
..I want to get off.
Then again, don’t we all?
For the most part, my “dizziness on rising” problem is gone. That doctor at the hospital who cut all of the dosages of my blood pressure medicines in half solved that for me.
Of course, it was only after that happened that each of these medications had a big MAY CAUSE DIZZINESS sticker on the bottle.
Annoyed grunt! Oh well, that’s life in this here incarnation. I am brilliant but also clueless, like all the head in the clouds type dreamer types like myself.
I’m good at a dazzling array of things, but life ain’t one of them.
This is why I need reality assistance so often.
Anyhow, mostly the dizziness is gone, but it does come back now and then and right now I am experiencing one of those attacks.
I am very dizzy. I’ve got that underwater feeling again, like I am trying to walk to Japan along the sea floor of the Pacific.
Every little motion causes the vat of goo that is apparenly my brain now to slosh around and make me both dizzy and a touch nauseous.
Which is a rotten combo, and yet not uncommon..
I have two theories as to why I keep getting these spells.
The first is that my sinuses are so backed up that it’s fucking with my inner ear and disrupting my equilibrium resulting in my being quite dizzy.
The other is that dehydration is the culprit. I figured out that because I don’t spend nearly as much time as I used to sitting at the computer with a glass of water always close at hand, my water intake has plunged drastically as compared to before my trip to the hospital. Ergo dehydration.
These theories are not mutually exclusive.
It could be both.
Either way, it’s not just annoying, it’s dangerous. I could easily fall and hurt myself when I am in this state where I barely know which way is up.
Hopefully I will soon have an ergonomic cushion that will take care of the seating issue of my poor wounded glutes, and thus allow me to spend more time at the computer playing PC games (!!!) again and hence resume proper hydration levels.
As for the inner ear angle, I will want to be more vigilant about keeping my nose and ears free of congestion.
If I do both those things and still get dizzy spells, it’s back to the doc for me.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.