Not in a self-harm sense. So relax.
No, what I mean is to just stop holding myself together. I feel like I have been doing that for most of my life and I am starting to wonder why.
It made some sense when I was going to school. I had to keep pulling myself together in order to even get out of bed and go to school, let alone make it through the day.
But I haven’t been in any kind of school for five years. And the small events in my life, like Denny’s, Wound Care, and hanging with Joe and Julian don’t exactly require much in the way of girding my loins, so I really have no practical reason to do it.
Just force of habit. And fear. Always fear.
Fear that if I just let myself fully fall apart, I will never be able to put myself back together and I will be more disconnected and underpowered and disjointed than I was before I foolishly threw it all away.
That seems unlikely to me now. In fact, it smells strongly of my depression’s particular brand of bullshit. A boogeyman whose tasks it is to scare me aware from doing things that might actually help me.
And one thing is for sure : letting myself fall to pieces would sure as hell make me feel better because I have finally fully laid my burden down.
Lord knows how much energy holding myself together drains out of me. Even the drain I can feel on the surface seems like a lot, and it goes down into many, many layers of frozen emotions and hasty patch jobs all the way through.
In fact, I honestly don’t know how much of me is real and how much is depressive bullshit with no more substance than candy glass.
The only way to find out is to let everything go and let the sunlight in and a soft warm rain then let everything false melt in the sun and get washed away, leaving nothing but the real me behind.
My gut feeling is that a heck of a lot of me would go down the drain and that it would not be too hard to put myself back together because there will be so much less bullshit to maneuver around and take into account and placate.
Like I keep saying, there’s nothing in me that is more important than my getting better.
So anything that blocks or impedes my recovery has got to fucking go.
I will metaphorically gnaw my own arm off if it is holding me back.
There’s is a great big magnificent world just waiting for me to come and turn on its lights with all my personality intellectual electricity so I can dazzle them with just how fucking amazing I am and all the wonders I can create for them.
And land myself a solidly middle class lifestyle in the process.
Hey, even I am not ALL altruistic. I want a pleasant life too.
And I’mma gonna git me one.
More after the break.
Take that, hornet’s nest!
I did it, I did it, I finally god damned did it.
I posted something to deliberately stir up trouble and it actually did it!
I posted a deliberately inflammatory anti-conservative video on TikTok and some of these dumb motherfuckers took the bait.
It’s always helpful when your opponents have a tendency towards unthinking knee-jerk reactions where they just reflexively spew half-digested words like a regurgitating toddlers without a shred of substance to anything they say.
It’s pure wargabl and I love it, because it is hilarious. And pathetic.
None of them even made content with what I said, tacitly admitting that yup, conservatives are a bunch of cowardly little babies.
I told you I was inflammatory.
And in a language even they could understand : schoolyard taunting.
One just spewed crap about my appearance and what they assumed was my lifestyle, living off of something called CERB.
I assume it’s some form of social assistance.
I told him that proved he had nothing substantial to say.
Another one did the whole, “Like Justin Trudeau is any better!”
I told that one that it’s pretty sad when your best argument for your side is that they are no better than people they consider enemies of the state.
Another said she bets I had never been to a protest. a council meeting, or negotiated anything in my life, so my words made no sense.
I asked her what the fuck that had to do with anything.
Oh hey, I think I just figured out how to post Tiktok videos outside TikTok!
Click here to see me in action.
As you can see in the comments, I am having the time of my life.
Welcome to the parlor, said the spider to the flies. By attacking me (very badly), you have stepped into my arena and challenged me, and that means I am not going to hold back. You’re getting the full force of my incredible mind focused into a tight coherent beam by all the bullshit I see American conservatives get away with because apparently Democrats are too goddamned wimpy to go for th jugular on these fools.
Me, I go straight for the jugular every single time. And in normal polite society, that’s a problem. I’ve had to learn to restrain my killer instinct in debate because playing as hard and as rough as I do is completely wrong in a friendly conversational setting.
But it’s perfectly accepted – even encouraged – online, so that is where I am going to make my mark by finally unleashing my awe inspiring powers of communications on a lot of crazy/stupid/evil motherfuckers in dire need of my brand of education.
My long term goal is to make conservatives on both sides of the border fear me.,
Quake with fear, you tiny FOOLS!
I will walk the world like a titan, and all evildoers will despair when they heard my tread.
More concretely. I want to be the chlorine in the pool that is public debate. I want to advance the debate by sweeping away terrible thought and lack of though and force a lot of people to either evolve or get the fuck out.
There’s way too much crazy/stupid/evil in this world right now.
And I plan to fix that.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.