A bit more on that hurt child turning away from the world that lives in my head.
It’s the main thing that cripples me. It’s what sucks the energy out of me when I try to get things done. It’s the terrible wound deep in my center that makes it so the spine of my spirit can’t bear any weight, and my life goes absolutely nowhere.
It’s what makes it so hard for me to cope with anything at all. It’s what leaves me so weak despite a mind and a soul that are very very strong. It’s what leaves me feeling so helpless and lost despite all my power.
Sometimes I feel like a mad sad bad god of some sort.
Dunno what my divine portfolio is, but it’s probably not doing too good.
And like I said before, I want to heal this mighty Wound of mine, but I am not sure how to do it. And it seems like such a dauntingly massive undertaking.
Luckily, I don’t have to do it all at once. I just have to keep hammering away at the problem until something gives. I’ve made a lot of progress in opening up my emotions and expanding my sense of self into this new and exciting space, and my process of learning to express more and more in every word is going gangbusters right now.
But there’s still so much more to do. I have an awful lot of work to do in order to reach, activate, and integrate all these id-connected parts of myself that having been languishing in starvation all these years.
And I need to find the energy they need to stay alive. I want to expand out of my strictly introverted tendency to want to generate all my own energy so that I can get energy from my environment at least some of the time.
I mean, there has to be some way to bring enough warmth and light into my soul to let me finally bloom. I know that if I could warm up inside, everything else would become so much easier. I just need to will myself alive first.
And that means forsaking cold comfort for a while. That chilly numbing anesthetic my brain produces in such quantity is very addictive for its pain killing properties, and if I am going to kick the habit that means putting up with a LOT of deferred pain.
But I don’t mind. I can take it. I am no longer trapped by a fear of pain and suffering. Bring it on, if that’s what it takes to get healthy.
I will eat it all up and ask for more.
It’s not like I have anything better to do, anyhow.
And at least when I am suffering I feel alive.
And I want to feel alive. I am very tired of being frozen and dead inside. I want ot feel like a real live adult type human being, with warm blood and working muscles and all those other marvelously organic and true things.
And I don’t care if it seems weird at first.
Everything is weird at first.
But the good stuff is worth it.
More after the break.
There and back again
Just got back from my epic journey to get a head and chest CT scan.
Epic for me, anyhow. With my recent cardiovascular decline, the world is an even bigger place for me than before.
Hence my having to rest twice on the way from the Emergency Room entrance[1] to Medical Imaging. Which is closer to the Main Entrance than it is to Emerge.
That’s what everyone at Richmond General calls the Emergency Room. Emerge, Makes it sound like a brand new drug they only advertise on CNN.
“Ask your doctor if Emerge is right for you. “
(offscreen voice, elderly) WHAT?
“I SAID, ASK YOUR DOCTOR IF EMERGE IS RIGHT FOR YOU!”
Either that, or it’s someone’s interpretive dance routine where they are born out of an egg or whatever.
Anyhow, I made it to Medical Imaging, got checked in, sat in the waiting area while I fill out the usual form. Then the door to CT opens and my MRT[2] called my name.
She was, it turned out, a tall skinny Kiwi. As in New Zealander. And I absolutely love New Zealanders. They are such a good natured and friendly people.
They’re like chill Aussies.
The procedure went fine. Was a head and chest CT. Whatever.
They can CT my entire body if they like. It would honestly make me feel better.
When the contrast dye went in, I really felt the noted “warm” sensation flushing through me. That’s because for this procedure, they had to inject the dye quite fast.
I think I know what a hot flash feels like now. Wild.
I know the tech noticed how chill I was about the whole thing because she told me at the end that I had done “VERY well!”.
This was not my first rodeo. This has to be like my tenth CT at RGH. And IVs don’t bother me. Not with how many times I have been through the IV Antibiotics program plus all the time on IVs when I was in hospital.
Plus it’s just my nature to not resist something I have decided to do. I wasn’t dragged kicking and screaming into MI and I am not some child who is going to make things difficult on the nice nurses and techs.
And I am just a naturally helpful and agreeable person.
Then came the ride home. And for some reason, the admitting nurse for MI pointed me in the opposite direction as ER.
I followed her directions and ended up outside. I had exited via the entrance that is roughly in the middle of the hospital, no doubt left over from when RGH was smaller.
And I was a tad miffed till I realized that this route was actually much shorter than the indoor one. So it turns out she knew best.
I still needed a couple of rests. And it was a little nippy out. But with my weak constitution, shorter distance trumps all.
At this rate, it won’t be long before I have to get a wheelchair,
Hopefully these CTs will shed some light on WTF is going on.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.
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