So I am watching one of those Reddit videos of which I am so fond when, pursuant to the discussion, someone refers someone to the r/transgendered subReddit.
And as soon as I read/hear r/transgendered, this golden joy filled me up inside and I started thinking about wonderful place that must be.
Then I stopped myself and said, “Uh oh. ”
Because like, what the fuck is up with that?
And I got scared, because the truth is… and please don’t take this the wrong way, folks… but I do not want to be trans.
I have nothing against others being trans but from my point of view right now, it seems like adding trans to my identity would bring on so much complication and confusion and hassle and pain that I just plain do not want to go there if I have a choice.
And I do. Because it turns out I am not really trans.
See, the first thing I did once I got a grip on myself was probe my psyche for trans thoughts by imagining various ideas and then see how they made me feel.
And as far as I can tell, I have no idea to become a woman. Neither socially or physically. I have never felt like a woman trapped in a man’s body. I have never felt a “wrongness” about my physical form.
I can’t stand “The View.”. The list goes on and on.
So I don’t think I am actually trans. But I will leave the door to the possibility that I actually am trans open a crack because it’s always possible that my trans-ness is buried under many many more layers of suppression and denial and one day it will pop up for real and I will have to deal with it.
But for now…. no.
That still leaves the question of why the mere mention of r/transgendered made me feel all sparkly inside for a moment unanswered, though.
It was definitely a feeling of liberation. Like suddenly I was free. Like something inside me suddenly opened up and all the old baggage fell away and I could finally feel the sun and breathe the fresh air again.
So if that didn’t signal that I am actually trans, what did it mean?
That’s a tough one. I can only guess.
Maybe it just triggered a general opening up of all that fog and tension and heavy emotional baggage inside. The mere idea of trans-ness was enough, in that moment, to activate an emotional potential that already existed in me.
If so, then damn, I want more of that because it was fucking amazing.
It could also signal a deep interior dissatisfaction with how I am expressing my sexuality in general. There is so much of my sexual being going completely unexpressed. Being able to bust out and be all flamboyant and vampy and fab-ulous would be divine.
But *sigh* I’ve still got this rotting whale carcass of a body to drag around.
Physicality is so depressingly arbitrary.
More after the break.
So what am I?
Some people wonder who they are. I wonder what I am.
Because I am not like other humans at all. I have known that since my first day of school. Even then, I walked among my classmates like a bewildered anthropologist, desperately trying to figure out what all this tumult was about.
I had never experienced anything like the playground at school before. I had been to the playground around five blocks diagonal from my home, and enjoyed myself well enough even though I was basically alone in the crowd.
I didn’t play with the other kids much. I just did my own thing.
Even back then I was a loner. It just comes naturally to me I guess.
I just played on the slide and the swings and waded happily in the pool. The idea that I could have been trying to make friends with the other kids did not occur to me.
Again I must ask : what the fuck is/was wrong with me?
The schoolyard was different than the playground. It was way more crowded and loud and I had the constant feeling that I was missing a lot of what was going on.
That’s what being socially blind can do to a person.
Then the bullying started and the schoolyard became hell.
So I have never known what kind of beast am I. I knew I was incredibly intelligent. I knew I was incredibly lonely and scared on the playground and incredibly bored when in class. I knew that nobody seemed to like me, not even my teachers.
Despite that, I was ridiculously emotionally dependent on my teachers because they at least had to be kind of nice to me and I got along way better with adults than I did the other kiddies my age.
After all, the teachers always kind of reminded me of my mother.
I was friendly, but I didn’t know how to make friends. I was lonely, yet I couldn’t help being a loner. I was academically gifted, but nobody valued it. In fact, the teachers tended to see it as an annoyance because it made me harder to teach and nearly impossible to challenge.
And I was so independent that I challenged their authority just by sitting there. They could tell that I did not view them with awe like most kids.
Some did not take that well.
Dragging myself by the hair back to the point, the closest I have come to knowing what the hell I am came when I learned I was an INTJ.
When I read that description, it blew my mind. Personality tests were worthless to me up until that point. None of them produced anything that applied to me.
But the MBTI one, INTJ, described things about me that I had never told anyone. Things I thought were unique to me and me alone.
Suddenly, I knew there were other people like me.
That meant a lot to me.
And I imagine that’s true for a lot of us INTJ type people. We are a lonely and strange bunch, and finding out we are not, in fact, aliens can really help us out.
Extend that into the future and you can see why there are so many INTJ videos out there. We are desperate to understand ourselves and furthermore we need a regular fix of that feeling of not being alone.
At least, that’s what I get from it.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.