I can’t believe I never realized how deeply the term “executive dysfunction” applied to me before I watched this video.
But of course I have serious executive dysfunction. That’s what all my “infinite hallway of infinite doors” is all about! And my difficulty with simply deciding to do a thing. And my tendency to agonize over even the simplest of decisions. And my comments about how my problem is that there are so many problems where there are too many variables for me to actually calculate a response and so I end up just going with my gut.
In short, my whole problem with decisions in general.
And of course, I have tons of experience with not being able to make myself do something. That’s basically been my life up till now. A whole raft of things I know I should do and that in the abstract I want to do but can’t force myself to do.
I think in my case at least, depression’s dirty rotten tricks are behind it. I think that in order to enforce stasis, depression overloads my mind with options and artificially makes all options seem equivalent in order to create a log jam in the cognitive portions of my mind that makes decision making impossible.
Got to figure out a way to shut THAT shit down. I know that I can be a very swift and decisive person when my depression isn’t in the way. I just have to tunnel through all that dead scar tissue in my mind to get to that point.
And he is absolutely right about video games dulling executive function. In fact, the games I love the most are the ones with a large number of quests that tell me step by step what I need to do.
The games I hate have open-ended goals with no instructions as to how to achieve them. The ones, in other words, that require executive function.
So yeah. My chronic indecision and my video game addiction are probably intimately linked, as is that whole fear of having to figure out what to do with myself.
Like, why is that so hard? There’s no wrong answers! Just do whatever appeals to you at that moment and don’t worry about whether you could have done better.
This is what’s wrong with the whole “live your best life” bullshit, by the way. Oh great, now life is a test and only a score of 100 percent is good enough.
Are you living your best life? Fuck, I don’t know. Probably not. But who is? Who wants to lie in bed at night wondering if their life could have been better that day.
Like I need that extra level of neurosis.
Anyhow, yeah, I definitely have serious and pervasive executive function issues. And like in the Two Kirks episode of the original Star Trek, the solution is to embrace my id and uses its primal energy to propel me into making decisions.
To go with my guy when the brain just ain’t working.
It’s better than nothing.
Repeat until believed.
More after the break.
The tragedy of the fixed self
Let’s talk about the fixed sense of self as opposed to an open sense of self, shall we?
First, a quick review : the fixed sense of self is the caterpillar who thinks it is going to die when it becomes a butterfly. Because of its fixed and rigid definition of who and what it is, it actively resists all forms of change and thus blocks its own growth and healing.
The open sense of self is the wiser caterpillar who understands that the real self – the one that it has been since birth – will not die, just change shape. It embraces the truth of the self of eternal becoming that is always growing, changing, and evolving. It knows it will not be the same when it becomes a butterfly but that the essential self – the one that answers to its name – will be the same.
Hmmm. Not as quick as I would have liked but whatever. Moving on.
So how does the fixed self happen?
It happens when the self is under threat. This happens when strong external forces – like bullies, or abusers, or developmental deprivation – threatens to destroy one’s integrity of self and the self must rigidify in order to survive.
Which would be fine if it always went back to being fluid when the threat was gone, but some threats never truly fade away.
They become a permanent part of the self and thus the threat never goes away. The self loses the ability to accept change and invests heavily in being as rigid and inflexible as possible in order to weather life amidst the turmoil of mental illness.
No wonder it makes change feel like death. It was forged in a situation where the self was under threat of annihilation. In that situation, change WAS death.
But now the threat is gone. It’s now just a phantom of the mind, a deadly illusion. You can let go of your rigid sense of self and let yourself heal.
You can exit the paradoxical loop that longs for healing without change. By definition, if you get better, that will change you – it changes you from a sick person to a healthy one.
Ergo, I think a good starting point is for you, the sufferer, to visualize a healthier you. Imagine all the good things that will come to you when you’re better. Picture yourself with the dark and choking fog of mental illness removed from your mind so that all the good things about you can finally shine through.
And if all that is too much for you, just imagine yourself happy.
Then hold on to that feeling. Let it fill you and complete you. Wallow in that feeling like it’s a hot bath and let it soothe and cleanse you.
Then, when you feel strong enough, ask yourself – so how did I get here?
The answer may surprise you.