It flows rapidly.
It always has. And while the benefits of having such a swiftly flowing stream of consciousness are many, including having constant access to a lot of mental power at a moment’s notice, there are some drawbacks as well.
Like it being hard to hold on to a thought or an idea or even an emotion. Everything moves so fast in my head that even at the age of 50, catching an idea and holding it still long enough to use it is nearly impossible.
Especially given how I tend to lose all interest in the idea once it is written down. Which is pretty goddamned inconvenient, but we don’t get to choose our muse.
We creatives are just stuck with whatever shows up, even if it doesn’t fit with the rest of our personality and behaves in ways we find hard to understand and accept.
But accept it we must because we’re stuck with it. You only get one. I can’t take my mysterious “quicksilver in moonlight” muse back to the muse store (or “museum”) and say, “I’m sorry, this was clearly meant for someone else. May I have another?”.
And of course, you can choose to ignore your muse…. if you don’t mind having the wells of your creativity dry up like the frigging Sahara.
Not an option if, like me, your calling is self-expression.
I’ve at least figured out that much.
If there is a reason for me to be alive (debatable), it’s to use my gifts to express what is deep inside me and use that to make beautiful things.
But there is a fundamental disconnect between me and my muse and that is that I am not. by nature, spontaneous AT ALL.
Not for me is the sudden inspiration that has me dashing to the computer to feverishly type it all down while the iron of my creativity is still hot.
That would be far too sudden and disruptive for me, not to mention out of context, for my staid and stable little life.
I couldn’t live like that. And I deeply regret that. I would be so more productive av a writer if I could let wild inspiration take me and power me through making something truly spectacular now and then.
But I am not that kind of guy. Pity.
I mean, I hate to be interrupted and that is essentially what classic inspiration does.
I guess I just have to do things my own way, even in this. I have ideas, they get filed away somewhere in my mind, and if I am lucky, they will pop back up at the right moment and I will use them then.
It’s a lousy way to run a railroad, but at least it means that I always have tons to say at almost all time. And when the stars align, it can even make me look quick witted and pithy when all I am really doing is remembering something I thought of before.
More after the break.
Is this still real?
Are we still here?
Is this still the place it once was?
I ask because Windows just went through the mother of all updates – one that involved no less than four or maybe even five reboots – and so it feels like absolutely anything could have changed at this point.
I didn’t want to reboot. But Pathfinder : Wrath of the Righteous crashed again.Turns out restoring a previous save from before I got to the Island of Doom did not solve the god damned problem and I am back to… well, you know….
So now I am at an impasse. I can’t go forward in my game – it will crash. And yet I really don’t want to give up on completing the Midnight Isles DLC because I have spent so much time and effort getting to where I am.
I’m like, emotionally invested now, ya know?
So I guess I am going to have to fling myself into the jaws of trying to solve the technical issue despite my lack of tech skills.
I need a very patient friend who is a master at solving PC issues. Every time I try to deal with something like this I feel so in over my head that I might as well be at the bottom of the Mariana Trench.
Yeah, I thought that ended in an S too. Apparently not, according to Wiki.
I know that the system seems to load something right before the crash. So m best guess is that a temporary file that got corrupted.
And an article I read had a great solution for that : just delete these two directories!
But I have no idea if that worked because in doing so I also DELETED ALL MY SAVES.
Mother FUCKER. Talk about a cure that is worse than the disease. No way am I starting my whole Midnight Isles journey over again unless that was literally the only way to get past this issue.
And even then, maybe not.
I must admit, I am tempted to just give up on the whole thing and download the final DLC for the game, The Last Sarkorians, so I can play through that and finally be done with the game for good.
Unless there’s some good mods for it. Ones that add content like new dungeons or quests or plotlines, not just the usual graphics tweaks and UI fixes and extra weapons, armor, hairstyles, or whatever.
But once I finish all of those,. I swear to God I will start playing something ELSE. A completely DIFFERENT video game. Imagine that.
I have been so obsessively fixated on this one DLC for this one game that I have almost forgotten what that was like.
Whatever I play next will NOT be another isometric RPG. Of that I am sure.
It will be something 3D. Like Fallout 4 or Elder Scrolls Online.
BUT NOT THEM. Something bright and shiny and new, where things are not nearly as much of a slog, and happy little rabbits sing you their happy little songs…
I think I need to lay down for a while.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.