As opposed to just thinking about stuff.

That perennial subject came up during Therapy Thursday today. And it remains a valid point that nothing is really going to get better in my life unless I take positive action.

And that means stepping away from the video game addiction to at least look around online for work, contests, a host for my blog where it might get notices, or something along those bloody lines.

I’d say I have given the “moping around playing video games and writing about how much your life sucks while doing nothing to make it better” strategy a pretty thorough trial, and the results have not been encouraging.

I know that in order to become a more active participant in life, I am going to have to climb hill after hill of fear and anxiety and doubt and all the other things my depression’s sick little mind will come up with in order to convince me to give up and lie down and go back to “normal”.

Even though my “normal” SUCKS. Living in a dung heap of a room surrounded by garbage and filth and mindless clutter because apparently cleaning anything ever is just too much responsibility for me. Languishing away in my self imposed prison while my body rots away from neglect and age despite a truly mind boggling abundance of intellect, charisma, and talent. Just letting the days go by.

The problem is that while my daily life is terrible, it is also comfortable.

I wallow in the depths of a pit of inertia. A gravity well that keeps me stuck on this crappy little planetoid of mine because staying here is easy and boosting myself into orbit is real hard, yo.

And the thing about the climb into orbit is that you either make it or you come crashing down to die in a fiery meteor crash and I don’t want to risk that.

But I have to.

But I can’t.

Or at the very least, it’s really gonna hurt.

Another thing that came up today was my whole “infinite doors” problem. The right course for my life is impossible to computer. There’s too many possibilities. The greatest minds working with the greatest of supercomputers could not crack it.

Hence my answer to the imperative “Do something!” has alway been, “OK. What?”

And I am not capable of doing as my therapist suggested and just picking the first vaguely plausible idea that comes to mind and going with it without thinking about any other of the myriad possibilities.

Not gonna happen. Nothing could keep me from pondering the other possibilities and wondering whether I made the right choice. I don’t have anywhere near that level of mental discipline and I never will.

I am just not built like that.

So the question becomes, how could I ever choose one of those millions of possibilities and believe it in strongly enough to go through all the hardship and pain and convulsive self doubt I would go through to see it through when it could still turn out to be a massive waste of time that makes me wish I hadn’t bothered, like VFS?

And I know the whole “infinite doors” dilemma is just a trick my unfaithful mind plays to keep me in this craphole life, but unlike most of my mental tricks, I can’t see through it.

I really don’t know how the hell I would pick a path and stick to it. I have no burning ambitions or big dreamy dreams to guide me. There is a pivotal emotional fulcrum needed to shift a bulk like mine and I just plain don’t have it.

All I have is fear and insanity.

And that means I am never going to get out of this place.

I’m going to die in here, and sooner than you think.

And I am not even sad about that.

More after the break.

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No solution yet

My crashing issue with Pathfinder : Wrath of the Righteous remains unsolved. Dammit.

Tried uninstalling and reinstalling the game. No dice, still crashes like a mofo. And it really sucks because I am almost positive that I can beat that really tough boss now.

I am wondering if there are cheats out there that would let me simply skip past fightin him. I’d hate to do it because I still want to beat that motherfucker, but if it lets me finish the DLC it might be worth it.

Beats the hell out of giving up entirely, that’s for sure. I am holding on to that as an absolute last resort, because quite frankly I need to move on with my life, but I will have to be sure I have tried everything I reasonably cat to fis the issue before I go there.

I’m trying to stifle the voice in my head that says. “How pathetic, being all bummed out and distressed because a video game stopped working. What a sad life you live!”.

Man, that voice is a dick.

Well for better or worse, that’s my life right now. I have an awful lot of sweat equity and emotional capital invested in this game, which has been fantastic up to this point.

Love, love, love the game. One of the best I have played in a long time. And I have been playing it for something like two months now.

At this point, I could probably start a new game of the main campaign and it would almost seem fresh and new to me by now.

OK, maybe not, but…. almost.

At least there is the 4th DLC to try. Plus the second Season Pass DLC, although the copy for that one does not do a good job of making me want to play it.

No matter what, this will all work out in the end somehow. A month from now I will on to new and brighter things and this will all just be a wry anecdote.

This too shall pass. Everything does.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.