Today, I played BG3 right up to 5 pm, when I have been having my “lunch” lately,
Should be 3 pm, dammit. But I just can’t seem to get my shit together to make that happen these days.
More on that later.
Now I could easily have used this as an excuse to further delay my meal, because obviously, after playing a deep and intensive game like that, I couldn’t possibly go straight into blogging and eating. I need time to let my big ol brain cool off!
It sickens me to thing of how often I have listened to the Jagoff in my head talking to me just like that while I nod and stroke my chin and say, “Makes sense to me!”.
Well fuck that. I hate that guy. He’s been nothing but bad for me. He is the voice of my laziness, my lack of ambition, my encyclopedia of excuses, my cowardice, my addiction to failure, and my long long history of continuously failing myself.
Yeah, that’s a thing. And it still counts. In fact, failing yourself is the worst kind of failure because no matter what you tell yourself, you are the one being hurt and disappointed and saddened by your inability to follow through for yourself.
You are your own shitty, unreliable, lying bastard of a parent.
“We’ll play catch next time, Timmy. I promise!”
Yeah, double fuck that sideways in a tornado. I don’t want to do that to myself any more. And that means I have to kick the Jagoff out of my head and start trying to reprogram myself into someone who actually seeks challenge, disdains the path of least resistance, and dares the world to take him on.
I know my life has been too easy. That doesn’t mean it hasn’t also been flat out terrible in places and I have suffered a great deal all through my lonely childhood.
But at no point did I have to learn to overcome myself. To persevere. School was and still is ridiculously easy for me. I never even had to learn to study.
And unlike a lot of child prodigies, that never stopped for me. There has yet to be the point where the real world catches up with me and I flame out spectacularly and I have to pull myself together and learn to focus and strive.
Nope. Still waiting. I did a year of Kwantlen and then VFS and it was still all absurdly easy to me.
The most I can say is that during the last semester of VFS, I was starting to feel strained. The workload, at least, was a tiny bit challenging.
But the work itself? Never.
And by all reasonable measurements, that makes me one extraordinary dude. Not a lot of people can claim these attributes. It makes me wonder, yet again,. what would have happened if I had aimed for something super hard, like law or medicine.
Would I have finally gotten my wings clipped?
Or would I have breezed through them, too?
It’s an amazing thought.
More after the break.
I thlammed my penith
Have I mentioned how much I love the internet lately?
This is a meme going around on YouTube lately :
People are doing their own versions and it’s been glorious.
Similarly, there is this bizarre phenomenon :
the barnacled hermit
Because no matter how you slice it, at the end of the day, the sun sets.
Talk up, tear down
I honestly have no idea what I am doing.
I just try to capture some of the thoughts, ideas, and emotions and hold them still long enough for me to translate them in the words, and trap them on the page.
There’s no rhyme or reason to it. There’s no plan. No concrete thing I am trying to accomplish by spilling my words for you wonderful people every day.
It’s honestly just pressure relief. Like I have said before, the main purpose of this blog is to give me a place where I can relieve the pressure of all these words in my head and thus make it possible to be at least a little sane.
If I was truly serious about that, though, I would write one hell of a lot more. I am barely keeping up with the pressure right now. By the time I am done for the day, I have more or less reduced the pressure by the amount it rose that day.
Real progress would require me to at least double my wordcount. Back when I was
writing my Million Words, I was writing 2, 739 words a day, and as I recall, I felt pretty good at the time.
The evidence has been clear from the start : my path to sanity is to find an outlet for all of my boundless creative energies.
If I could do what I do with this blog but at a much higher rate, I might actually be able to reduce the pressure in my cerebellum enough to think clearly and know who I am.
That is also a heady thought.
It could be amazing. But the prospect also scares me, and that’s interesting. Clearly, my deeper mind is afraid that with all the babble and drabble gone, something will be revealed that it does not want revealed.
Something it knows is there, but does NOT want to deal with. Something it keeps hidden in all the mental trash and clutter in my mind. Something it has been dodging for a very, very long time.
So long, in fact, that it seems to my deeper mind that to confront this deep and terrible thing would mean its utter annihilation.
But revelations can’t destroy the real self.
They can only destroy the false self. The illusion of self. The image in the mirror.
So what the false self sees as annihilation, the true self sees as its liberation.
Maybe we should all try being who we really are for a while.
See how it feels.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.