Holy crap has today been rough.
Because I have been super sleepy all day. It been downright ridiculous. I feel like sleep’s gravity well has gotten way more intense and that makes it incredibly hard to stay awake and actually do things.
Like eat. And poop. And masturbate.
Not at the same time, though.
That would be hard.
Anyhow, I don’t think this is a return of my flu-like symptoms. And thank God for that because it’s only been a couple of weeks since the last attack and if they start coming this often, I will be a paralyzed puddle before Christmas.
But no, I am mega sleepy and tired but nowhere near as incoherent and out of my mind as I was a couple weeks ago. And I feel very tired but in a sleepy way, not the energy drain way from before too.
That said, this is not the good, relaxing, gentle kind of sleep. On no, this is the kind of sleep that leaves me all sweaty and dizzy and disoriented because the REM activity in this ponderous cranium of mine is so very intense during these periods.
I assume that what is happening is that my shitty sleep does not give me nearly enough time in deep sleep for proper REM cycles, and therefore I am always way behind on them and suffering because of it.
My medium term memory is constantly overcrowded with memories of my life my brain does not get enough time to process into long term memories.
And every now and then it reaches the breaking point and forces my brain to become very very sleepy so I will sleep all day and thus give it all the chance to process things and catch up with the backlog.
If I could sleep like a healthy person, all at once and at night, I probably wouldn’t have this little problem.
But between the sleep apnea and my overwrought mind, I am stuck in my usual mode of rarely getting more than two hours of sleep in a row, scattered throughout the day.
And the CPAP machine is right there on my bedside table, as always. At any time, I could pull myself together enough to give it another try.
If I could only make peace with the god damned thing, it could change my whole life around. I’d be able to sleep well and that would improve everything – my mood, my energy levels, my outlook on life, everything.
But I can’t. I think about trying it again and the memory of when it stopped working because of a kink in the hose while I slept and my having to rip that fucking mask off my face so I could fucking breathe comes back, and I just… can’t.
A stronger and more robust person than I would be able to get over that kind of thing. They’d be able to shrug it off as a bad experience, take suitable precautions in the future, and put the whole thing behind them.
But I am not that person. I am weak, and small, and cowardly. What are molehills to others are mountains to me, and my engine simply does not have anything like the horsepower needed to “get over” incidents like that.
I probably WOULD have the horsepower – if I got decent sleep.
It’s a heck of a catch, that Catch-22.
More after the break.
The valley of death
MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING : The following is about suicide. Do not watch it if that is a bad thing for you to hear about.
It is for me. But I watched it anyway because I am crazy.
That video is actually what got me thinking about the whole “touch the flame” thing. It came up in my YouTube feed and my first instinct was, “Yikes, there’s no way I’m going to watch that! I have to protect my mental health by avoiding stuff that is bad for me!”.
But then another influence, one that drew me to the video, manifested itself in my consciousness, and something deep inside me told me that this was the impulse to follow if I wanted to continue my spirit’s journey.
And I did. I do. I want to do the hell out of that, actually.
And I am glad I did because as triggering as that video was, I feel like the journey it took me through left me, at the end, with way less emotional baggage then when I began it.
Which brings me to something I forgot to say yesterday : in my case, touching the flame means, in part, that in order to become more sane, I have to get closer to my insanity.
I have gotten to my pathetic current state by fanatically sticking to the middle ground. Not too crazy but not very sane either. Sensibly avoiding the deep dark end of my pool of craziness by senselessly avoid damn near everything else. too.
It’s a stable position. You can survive for a long long time that way.
Trust me on that.
But you won’t get any better, either. You will be on the same trajectory I am : you will live like a child until you die.
You will maintain your hold on the middle ground. You won’t attempt suicide and you won’t do anything seriously crazy and you will, in that sense, continue to be a good boy or girl and be left more or less alone.
But you won’t be functional, either. You will not be able to live an adult life with a job. a place of your own, a mate, and so on.
I know that in order to gain my sanity, I have to take risks. I have to go toward the darkness inside me and confront it so I can release it. I have to get a lot closer to being insane in order to defeat my demons and prove to them that they can’t control me with phantom fears and grisly ghosts any more.
I will blow past all of it and drive right in to the winner’s circle and fuck anything that gets in my way.
I’m going to win, god dammit.
And nothing is gonna slow me down.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.