OK, let’s see if we can move the ball a little further down the field on this one.
One of the main reasons I hide from the world is that I am hiding from the terrible responsibility of having to figure out what to do with myself.
This is something I have been unable to do because my overly rational and analytical approach to life breaks down when trying to compute an equation with the entire world and all of human possibility as variables.
It’s literally impossible to solve. Complex orbital mechanics and the three body solution from astrophysics have fewer variables.
Given that it is impossible to figure out what I “should” do – there is no computable optimal path through life – the problem reverts to what I want to do.
And the truth is, I dunno.
And the reason I dunno is that I am too alienated from my own drives and desires to be able to simply ask them.
I have spent such a long time ruthlessly quashing all desire in an objectively atrocious attempt to stay happy here in my tiny little pinewood box of a life that the question of what I want is still subject to the tyranny of what it is “safe” or “okay” to want.
I am still terrified of bringing up desires I know I can’t fulfill and that will only torment me and make my life hell now that I have awoken them.
Not very rational sounding, is it?
In fact, looking back, I have done a lot to stay small. I have sacrificed almost all of my human potential on the altar of not growing up and I did it so that I would not outgrow this tiny life and become discontent with it and start actually wanting to DO things.
That can’t be allowed! That’s not right! That’s not safe! There’s too many variables out there and to a fundamentally controlling mind like mine, if I can’t predict the outcome, then the outcome will be bad, or at least, be presumed to be bad.
And thus we double back to another of my themes, my fundamental distrust of the life, the universe, any everything. The idea that every outcome you cannot predict and control will be negative is a profoundly paranoia thought and very unhealthy to boot.
It may operate like logic but it is ultimately simply rampant, naked, undifferentiated fear. Animal fear, the kind that comes from that freaked out little critter deep inside me.
It’s the fear that runs so deep that almost any kind of sensory stimulation above a certain amplitude is translated directly into anxiety and an overall feeling of threat.
Less like a fox and more like strung out deer ready to FREAK THE FUCK OUT.
And I know how crazy that is. And like… bad. I wish that I could just carve all that ready fear and latent panic out of my soul so that I can relax and live life in a calm and mellow and groovy way.
I don’t want to be jumping at shadows. I want to be all sunshine and happiness with awesome people! I want to pet cute fuzzy things and cuddle little babies and immerse myself in all the warm and joyful vibes I can get my hands on.
But first, I gotta get out of this cave.
Door’s not locked. I’m just too scared to open it.
More after the break.
The golden tide
Man, have i been peeing a lot today.
Both frequency and volume have increased. I’m peeing more often and peeing more when I do.
This always makes me feel like I must be putting out more than I am taking in. And this is not as impossible as it sounds, at least in the short time.
Obviously everything I pee out is something I took in at one point. But there can be periods when my body is releasing stored water and I really am putting out more than I am drinking in on this date.
Anyhow, same old, same old.
Back to the corridor
So what do I do about my wimpy will and my inability to know what I really want?
Clearly I need to do some serious introspecting. And I have to remain open to unconventional ways to expand my consciousness and grow my soul and learn to be human and alive and part of the world I live in.
I’ve lived behind this glass wall for so long that I find it hard to imagine what that would be like. Part of me is definitely very, very, very scared of the idea.
That part of me fears the real world in general and wants to hide from it in the deepest, darkest cave it can find and quietly cower there.
But that’s not me. Not the real me. That’s just a bunch of mindless fear left over from a very unpleasant childhood. Its alarms and protestations mean nothing because it’s afraid of and freaked out by absolutely everything so it’s like the smoke alarm that goes off at the slightest hint of steam.
And I am finally ready to take the batteries out of that fucking thing.
Go lie in your graves, fears. I don’t need you any more.
If I want to get out of this trap, I am going to have to figure out who I really am and what I really want out of life.
I realize now that when I was young, I looked down my nose at the whole journey of self discovery trip. I thought it was something for navel-gazing self-indulgent pretentious yuppies who needed an excuse to STILL refuse to grow up even though they have a spouse and children and a career now.
Man, I have so much latent bitterness in me. Comes to life at times like these.
But I got to go on one now. And I know it damn well won’t be easy. I will have to face myself over and over as I peel back layer after layer of false self in search of the real me hidden deep inside.
I’m not saying I know for sure it’s a fox.
But I am reasonably sure it goes, “Arf!”.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.