I’ve been thinking about my inner coldness lately, and how much of it is self-induced.
I’ve talked many times about how strange it is that I am both a very warm and sensitive and caring person and extremely cold, analytical, and pragmatic.
I calculate because I care. But that’s not important right now.
What is important is my difficulty in fitting both these truths into a single conception of self .I can’t think of anyone, fictional or real, that encompasses such seemingly incompatible polar opposites.
Just lil ol’ me.
And I worry about what damage I have done to myself in the building of this massive megamind of mine. Is that where my instincts and drives went? Sacrificed on the altar of maintaining an “objectivity” so cold it’s superconductive?
And what’s the fucking point of that anyway? It is easy to justify it all quite flippantly by saying, “you’re always better off knowing the truth”, but I fucking doubt it.
In fact, I am pretty damned sure that you are better off being self-deluded, even if that delusion mainly takes the form of that collective veil of ignorance known as “normal”.
Oh yeah, I’m so much better off miserably freezing to death in my Midnight Tundra knowing the “truth” than those happy sheep living inside where it’s cozy and warm.
Generally speaking, there is nothing more important than being happy. Even ,my much vaunted merciless search for the truth has the ultimate goal of keeping me safe by letting me see the “big picture” and thus know what is really going on.
But how much reality do I really need? And at what point does my crystal clarity become more of a liability than an asset?
I want to feel warm and alive inside. I feel things so deeply and strongly sometimes. I want to connect, and cuddle, and care. I want to give people the love and hope and understanding they need in order to feel safe and warm.
And maybe, by giving it to them get some for myself as well.
Because I have all this love and care and understanding in my heart, so why can’t I give it to myself? Why is it all addressed to others?
Why can’t I feel my own light? Why am I freezing to death in the heart of a star?
Why am I so god damned numb?
Is it all jus a horrific overcorrection for anxiety? Because I am more than willing to say right now that anxiety is looking pretty good right now.
Could it really be worse than this arctic nightmare? Maybe I would be better off freaking out a lot. At least I would be feeling something.
Might be worth it if it let me come in from the cold.
It feels like I have no control over that. But that can’t possibly be true. How things have always been does not have to be how they will always be.
But to change that means to change me, and that means surrendering stability and safety in order to do some much needed repairs.
More after the break.
Doctor, doctor…. one down
I feel like I still haven’t said what I set out to say in part 1.
But it will have to stew for a bit because right now, I got nuthin’.
Saw Doctor Number One today, That would be Doctor Chao.
Went in there with no idea why I was there because they called me. And when you’re over 40 that is never a good feeling.
Because you know it ain’t good news. It’s not like I was going to go see Chao and have him tell me my latest test results were so good, they went to give me an award.
Nothing fancy. A small ceremony, a catered brunch, a few speeches. Business casual.
No, like I have said before and will likely say again, having the doctor’s office call you when you’re over 40 is the adult equivalent to being called to the Principal’s Office.
“Oh god. OK, give it to be straight, Doc. What did my body do this time?”
Luckily, this time, it was relatively benign. During my last visit. I had my history taken by a medical student.
Don’t worry, she gave it back later.
And afterwards, one of the suggestions that the student had to explain my symptoms was a cortisol disorder.
Doctor Chao thought that was an angle worth pursuing. So we’re doing that.
What that will entail is my taking a drug that mimics cortisol shortly before I go to bed and then getting my cortisol levels tested in the morning.
If my cortisol cycle is normal, by the time I wake up, my cortisol levels will be back to a normal low level by the morning.
But if the cycle is out of whack, my cortisol levels will remain high.
I suspect that will turn out to be the case because my sleep sucks. I rarely wake up feeling refreshed. Generally my best result is “eventually less tired than before”.
And if something is interfering with the removal of cortisol in my blood, that coujld explain a great many things.
Like that “rising background anxiety level.” Cortisol is a stress hormone and if it is accumulating in my bloodstream, that could make me feel anxious.
And get this, the symptoms of chronic high cortisol include weight gain, diabetes, and psychiatric disorders like depression.
So in that case, putting me on a drug that lowers my cortisol levels back to normal could make me skinny, non-diabetic, AND sane!
Not bad for one pill!
I won’t be doing the test tomorrow because tomorrow I have my all-important appointment with the neurologist, Doctor Madhani.
Hopefully, that will result in positive action towards a diagnosis and maybe even a referral for some physiotherapy to help treat my muscle weakness.
And who knows, maybe even let me walk again, thank Jesus.
I won’t tell you not to take being able to walk for granted because being grateful for all the bad things that are NOT happening to you is physically impossible.
But it wouldn’t hurt if. every once in a while, you thanked your legs for working.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.