Went to see the neurologist, Doctor Madhani, today.
Went to all the trouble of bringing my tablet then forgot it in the car. And this, after forgetting it in my indoor walked and making Julian go get it for me while I waited down in our car down in the parking structure.
And then forgot it in the car. Grrr.
I get so sick of my own bullshit sometimes.
God, I frustrate my caretaker even when the caretaker is me!
Anyhow, sans tablet, I had to resort to “hospital mode”, which I should probably rename “Fruvous waiting” or “dormant fox” or something because it comes in handy any time I have to wait with nothing to do.
I just associate that with the hospital. Strongly.
I did spend 16 days in the hospital with nothing but crosswords and a book to use to entertain myself, after all.
I had to spend a LOT of time in the aforementioned mode.
It basically just involves me losing myself in my own thoughts and just thinking about stuff for a while.
It could also be called “school mode” because it is the exactly mechanism I developed to cope with all the boredom in school from my finishing the work in minutes then waiting while the rest of the class took half an hour.
Anyhow, enough digression.
She did a whole bunch of those “push against my hand as hard as you can” and “stop me from doing this” tests.
PRetty sure she tested every muscle in my body. Bravo for her thoroughness!
And as far as I can tell, I passed all of them. To the point where she brought up “subjective muscle weakness”, which is a nice way of saying it might all be in my head.
And I do have a history of psychosomatic illness. And not all of it in the distant past.
So its possible that this whole thing is a manifestation of my desire to withdraw even further from reality, somehow.
Possible, but not likely. I can’t imagine an illness of that sort lasting this long or progressing this slowly. Not to mention that it was definitely there long before I acknowledged it or treated it as a problem.
I was in pretty deep denial about it for a long time.
When I realized I had passed all her tests, I wished I had pretended to be weaker.
But for God’s sake, why? Why would I want the doctor to think I am sicker than I am? Why would I want treatment for an illness I don’t have?
And isn’t finding out I might not actually be losing muscle strength a GOOD thing?
Has this whole ordeal just been a long con by my sneaky subconscious mind in order to get my vast latent need for nurturing met?
I don’t think so.
And neither does Doctor Madhani.
She has ordered a whole bunch more tests, and wants to see me again in a couple of months when they are done.
The one downside of a psychosomatic explanation is that I would find it terribly embarrassing and humiliating.
Like I had wasted everybody’s time and energy.
For that reason alone, I hope there’s more to it than that.
More after the break.
I’m all shook up
I’m still shaken up by my encounter with Doctor Madhani.
But first, let’s back up to earlier this evening.
Once more, I completely forgot that there’s fireworks on Halloween until I heard them going off. That’s not unusual at all.
It is, in fact, practically inevitable.
What was unusual was my reaction. I was lying in bed trying to take a short nap at the time,. and when I heard the fireworks, anxiety and distress exploded in my mind.
Like a firework. But way less fun.
And the whole time the fireworks were going off, I was frozen to the bed in agony from a whirlwind of conflicting emotions swirling around in my brain.
In the mix were such diverse elements as (in no particular order)
- Regret and chagrin at not being able to go do things like that
- Anger at the surprise of it all
- Panic set off by the first two
- Confusion from being yanked out of my half-asleep state
- The urge to get up and watch out the window
- Frustration when I remember I still would to be able to see then
And so forth and so on.
This is not a normal reaction for me. But when Doctor Madhani (sorry, out of puns) suggest it was “subjective weakness”, it hurt like a dagger to the heart.
Not that I am blaming her. She had no way of knowing and was just doing her job.
But it still hurt and here it is, eight hours later, and I can still feel it. I think that news really struck at the heart of all I have been through and made me doubt myself on a very deep and penetrating level.
The very notion that it could be “all in my head” scares and disturbs me. I thought I got over all that 25+ years ago. And I am still not saying that I know that to be true.
It could still prove to be something physical but obscure.
All I know is that it’s been getting harder and harder to walk for a long time now, and harder and harder to life things for a couple months now
And even sitting here, I can feel the pain and weakness in my arms and legs. Maybe it’s not the normal kind of muscle weakness that Madhani’s basic tests can indicate, but something is going very wrong with me.
Whether the problem lies in my limbs or my mind is beside the point.
Either way, I am getting sicker, and something needs to be done.
We will see what the neurological tests show.
Damn. I wanted to stick with the emotion and be less analytical. Oh well.
Maybe next time I will write a poem.
I will talk to you nice people again to music.