Ya know, for the most part, getting old makes it feel like the days are whizzing past.
But for some reason, last Friday feels like it was a thousand years ago.
I guess time drags when you are really sick. Saturday was miserable and Sunday was only marginally better. Yesterday was Monday and I felt somewhat human, especially after I got the energy from that strange bout of political messiah mania out of my head, and today has been fairly okay so far.
I don’t feel “normal” yet, unless this is my new normal. I have been haunted by that “haunted” feeling I get sometimes all day. It’s a strange, eerie feeling like my soul is slightly out of phase with my body, and I am slightly out of phase with time, and something terrible is approaching me silently in the dark.
It was especially bad this morning. Back then, it was accompanied by this feeling like there was a one molecule layer of electrified ice all over my body, and that was enough to nudge me from “oh no, one of my weird mental states” into “oh crap, maybe there is something really wrong with me” which is just around the corner and down the block from “OH GOD I AM GONNA DIE!”.
Um, if I recall it correctly.
In fact, I was honestly wondering if I should go to the ER or Urgent Care, and I think the only thing that prevented me from doing that was that I couldn’t even begin to imagine how I could have explained what was wrong to them.
I hadn’t thought of the ice thing then. Not that it would have helped.
“911, what is your emergency?”
“Yeah, I feel really really wrong…. I have this kind of… spooky, I guess, feeling? And I feel kind of cold and… tingly? Plus there’s this… hello? HELLO?”
And, scene. In the previous piece, the part of me on the phone was played by Eugene Levy. The part of the operator was played by Luba Goy. And the part of the silently lurking triple headed shitbeast with testicles for a mouth was, as always, played by Canada’s darling, Wayne Gretzky.
Luckily, I went to sleep instead, and when I woke up, my limbs were warm, the ice was gone, and the creepy haunted feeling had receded. Phew.
But I still don’t feel right. My appetite is low, my nose is tunny, I have tingling in my thumbs and forefingers, and I feel like the emotional wall between me in the world is thicker and more inflexible than ever.
Hopefully, more sleep as well as regular meals will fix that. I know that I am not fully recovered either physically or emotionally from this weekend’s plague du jour, so I have great hopes that I will feel a lot better relatively soon.
Until then, all I can do is limp along the best I can and take solace in the arms of video games, AI art generation, and of course, the shitbeast.
More after the break.
Topics are a thing
Well there goes another cheap, ha-ha I suck topic idea.
Feeling somewhat better than before. As predicted, I needed more sleep. Must remember that connection.
Feeling haunted, Fruvous? Try SLEEPING.
I should get one of those “make your own AI chatbot” things so I can use it to give myself advice when I am mentally disabled impaired deranged indisposed dumb.
Been having a lot of, “so this is my life….?” type thoughts lately. I think having my usual life taken away from me by a mystery illness then having to come back to it gave me some much needed perspective on the subject.
Now it’s not news to say that I am deeply dissatisfied with my life as it is and how has been for around 30 years. In fact, none of what I am about to say is particularly fresh or new to you wonderful, gorgeous, amazing people who read my words.
Have I mentioned how much I love you all lately? Because I do.
No, the new thing is harder to define than that. But here goes.
While I was in the throes of my recent attack of whatever, there came a point when I said to myself, “well if I want a better life, I’m going to have to go out there and get it!”.
Again, not exactly the most breathtaking of revelations. To some, that would be a truth so obvious that to tell them that would seem insulting if not an indulgence in tautology.
But for me it’s a big deal in my struggle to face reality and deal with it instead of turning away from it and hiding from it behind my screens.
And obviously, it’s true. My life is never going to get any better unless I take charger and make the changes happen.
That doesn’t mean I have to do it all alone. It just means that I will be the one performing the executive function by putting the whole thing in motion and keeping it moving in the right direction.
I think of this as one facet of the progenitor role. They are the ones who create something out of nothing and then nurse it along till it can survive on its own.
And that it who I have to be to make a new life for myself. One where I can respect myself and feel like a real person and a true adult because I can finally support myself.
And that means I need to wrangle some way to make money out of this crazy world. Probably through something like freelancing, but there’s an outside chance that I might launch myself on to YouTube and TikTok as that wild-eyed commentator with the crazy opinions nobody has ever heard before who’s really shaking things up by taking on all the biggest dogs he can find.
Billionaires who are killing us all, I am coming for you. I know you’re just people. You have names and addresses and lives just like us. And that means we can find you when the food dies and we will arrive not with placards and picket lines but with nooses and bonfires and guillotines.
Don’t wanna die? Me neither. So GET OUT OF THE WAY.
I Will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.